Kisani
hunhxc
Κυρ, 11/06/2017 - 06:09
The meaning of the first 2 lines may have been given back better as "though we may vanish in a minute, nothing will vanish with us". I see the literalness here being to the disadvantage of sense.
"Bitterness" could've been used instead of "sadness" (the literal meaning that's used in the same sense in both languages).
The part "az egyik biztos hív, a másik biztos, hogy eltaszít rég..." may be better put as "one is surely calling, the other's been surely pushing away for long" - "rég" (for long) hasn't been referred to in the translation, and I'd prefer the simplicity of "pushing away" (the literal meaning) instead of "beating off", as I'm informed it means "to drive something away with blows or military force" (https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/beat_off), while a "taszítás" is exactly a push, rather than a blow.
I also miss punctuation.
Could be improved, but a fine work in all.
In the 2nd verse we don't know if the child the lyrics are about is a girl or a boy. I used "he" just because it seemt simple, but keep in mind that the Hungarian language doesn't show the sex of personal pronouns.