Marica Nicolska - О, да простит меня Экзюпери! (English translation)


О, да простит меня Экзюпери!

Печальную Луна бросает тень,
И от весны остались только лужи.
Но знаю, что наступит этот день,
Когда на небесах сольются наши души!
Согрей меня неугасающим теплом,
Не покидай в тревожную минуту!
Поверь: я для тебя - надежный дом,
Чьи двери всегда можешь распахнуть ты!
Сорви с души ржавеющий замок
И сердце распахни - пусть радость засияет!
Я не пущу чужого на порог,
Пусть мне хоть горы золотые обещает!
О, да простит меня Экзюпери -
Не оторвать нам друг от друга взгляда!
И все равно, что ждет нас впереди -
Мы знаем, что навеки будем рядом!
Submitted by Marica Nicolska on Wed, 14/02/2018 - 12:36
Last edited by Ivan U7n on Mon, 19/02/2018 - 21:01
Align paragraphs
English translation

Forgive Me, Saint-Exupéry [P]

The Moon is casting shades of gloom,
the spring has left behind just puddles.
The day will come, as I presume,
when in the skies our souls will cuddle!
Do warm me up by endless heat,
don’t let me drown in anxious moments!
Believe me, I'll be your retreat,
you’re welcome there, no need for omens!
Set free your soul from rusty locks,
and flood your heart with joy, elation!
I’ll chase away whoever knocks,
no gold will ever change my station!
Forgive me, Saint-Exupéry,
that we can’t look but at each other!
Let all ahead stay mystery –
we’re gonna be together rather!
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Submitted by Ivan U7n on Mon, 19/02/2018 - 20:59
Added in reply to request by Marica Nicolska
Last edited by Ivan U7n on Wed, 21/02/2018 - 06:08
Author's comments:

The translation is a poetic one by the request of the author.
The pattern is: +-+-+-a / -+-+-+-B- / -+-+-+-a / -+-+-+-B-.

Ivan U7n    Tue, 20/02/2018 - 10:55

@petit élève, I have a French question in a translation from Russian to English for the name is French in origin. Wink smile How do you pronounce "Saint-Exupéry", I mean the stress? In Russian the last syllable is stressed, but names are unpredictable in French (at least to me).

petit élève    Tue, 20/02/2018 - 16:10

The stress is on the last syllable ("ry"), as usual in French. "Saint" is also stressed, it's considered a separate word despite the hyphen.

Ivan U7n    Tue, 20/02/2018 - 16:32

Thanks! Google tries to stress the first syllable and it sounds awful, thus the question. But if the last syllable and "Saint" are both stressed, then I haven't messed up much with the rhythm and the rhyme.
By the way, while we are at it, can you make an independent (even if a non-native) review of the resulting poem? I mean the general understandability and grammar, for I can sometimes think so out of the box that I scare myself. Wink smile

petit élève    Tue, 20/02/2018 - 17:19

Well, that's mostly nitpicking and some natives might have a different opinion, but here we go:

casting shade -> that would rather be "a shade" or "shades". "casting shade" looks more like a compound verb, that makes the following "of..." sound odd.

come in brief -> I don't think that works as an equivalent for "shortly" or "soon". For all I know, "In brief" rather means "to summarize what has just been said", or it can be used in expressions where "brief" is an adjective ("in a brief moment").
maybe "sorrow/follow" could be used as a replacement for the rhyme?

Поверь: я для тебя - надежный дом,
Чьи двери всегда можешь распахнуть ты! -> that's quite an adaptation Regular smile
"no need for omens" sounds a bit strange to me. Like "you don't need a presage to be welcomed here" ?

pass me inside -> I think the meaning is a bit different. That would depict the narrator letting some people overtake him and enter the house first (like in a crowd in front of a theater).

sever our gazes -> I don't think that works for "breaking eye contact". I suppose "unlock our eyes" could work but that would ruin the rhyme.

Still all that could be OK as poetic licence, only a native could tell how that really feels.

Brat    Tue, 20/02/2018 - 18:09

If I may, I'd want to propose the following:
I’ll let no one pass me inside,->I will let no one pass inside,
that we just can’t our gazes sever!->that we can’t get our gazes severed!
Though the latter is queer enough, I think it is applicable.

And you should revise the first stanza ->casting shades of ....rue / and the day wil come in ... soon.... maybe?

Ivan U7n    Tue, 20/02/2018 - 21:32

Thanks, guys, for your input! I have updated it. The only thing I have left as it was is "omen" as this was really my intention: no need for any signs, he is always welcomed there (in the retreat).

Marica Nicolska    Fri, 23/02/2018 - 11:28

Thank you very much, my friends, for your translating! Ivan, you have made me a great pleasure! I had been writing this poem during 17 Years (only imagine it!) And the end stanza came to me only now...
Saint-Exupery said: "Love... it is not the point, that 2 persons can see each other... It seems, that these 2 persons can see the same..." I like Exupery, but in this poem I have supposed some other meaning.
I'm not sure, that my translating is all right. But I don't know french. By the way, can somebody thanslate it in French? Thank you in advance!

petit élève    Fri, 23/02/2018 - 17:20

"Aimer, ce n'est pas se regarder l'un l'autre, c'est regarder ensemble dans la même direction" (Love is not looking at each other, it's looking together in the same direction). A very nice definition of love indeed, but love cannot be summarized in a few nice words Regular smile
I'll try a French version, though I'm not sure I'll manage to make it rhyme.

Marica Nicolska    Tue, 27/02/2018 - 12:06

Thank you for your translation and your very nice words!