Louna - Vesna (Весна) (English translation)

Proofreading requested
Russian

Vesna (Весна)

И когда придет новая весна,
И усталый лед пробудит от сна,
Будут с ней звенеть ветром в волосах
Неспокойные голоса.
 
И когда войдет в города весна,
И усталый лед пробудит она,
Будут с ней звенеть ветром в небесах
Непокорные голоса.
 
Где вина превращается в воду,
Там где вечно длится тень,
К черту страх и лень!
Где ярмом подменяя свободу,
Черви крестят бюллетень
Помни каждый день!
 
Где клеймом обличается голос,
Тех, кто волен думать сам
Делай выбор сам!
Из простого зерна взойдет колос,
И устанет стричь коса
Наши голоса
 
И когда придет новая весна,
И усталый лед пробудит она,
Будут с ней звенеть ветром в волосах
Непокорные голоса.
 
Где из костного мозга знакомых
Теле-Геббельс варит клей,
Нужно быть умней.
Где фантомная жизнь насекомых
Стала ближе и теплей,
Нужно быть сильней!
 
Где залитое ложью и водкой,
Мелким бесом дышит зло,
Всем врагам назло.
Бесполезно раскачивать лодку,
В ней лишь время истекло
Время истекло!
 
И когда придет новая весна,
И усталый лед пробудит она.
Будут с ней звенеть ветром в небесах
Неспокойные голоса
 
Наши голоса!
 
Встанет солнце над выжженным полем,
плавя лёд телеантенн,
И огромный безжизненный голем
вновь поднимется с колен,
Когда стылый комок биомассы
снова сможет думать сам,
Сквозь покрытые льдом метастазы
он услышит голоса!
 
И тогда придет новая весна,
И усталый лед пробудит от сна.
Будут с ней звенеть ветром в волосах
Неспокойные голоса
 
И тогда войдет в города весна,
(Новая весна!)
И усталый лед пробудит она,
(Новая весна!)
Будут с ней звенеть ветром в небесах
(Наши голоса!)
Непокорные голоса!
(Наши голоса!)
 
Submitted by petit élève on Fri, 19/01/2018 - 22:32
Last edited by Green_Sattva on Sat, 20/01/2018 - 15:03
Submitter's comments:

Louna's psychedelic lyrics and Pormofimi's political stance. Interesting mix Regular smile

Align paragraphs
English translation

Spring

Should a new spring come
and the tired ice1 wake from its slumber
with it will ring, like a wind ruffling hair,
restless voices.
 
And when the spring comes to the cities
and wakes the tired ice
with it will ring, like a wind in the sky,
rebellious voices.
 
There, where guilt2 turns into water,
where shadows linger forever,
to hell with fear and apathy!
The creeps3 cross ballot papers,
turning freedom into a yoke
every day of your life4!
 
There, where the voice of independent minds
is branded as a stigmata,
make your own choices!
Wheat grows from mere seeds,
and the scythe will tire of mowing down
our voices
 
And when the new spring comes
and wakes the tired ice
with it will ring, like a wind ruffling hair,
rebellious voices.
 
There where Goebels-TV cooks the bone marrow
of your conformist friends into glue5,
you got to get smarter!
Where the ghostly life of insects
becomes an appealing prospect6,
you got to get stronger!
 
Where evil, soaked in lies and vodka,
breathes like a petty demon
shooting itself in the foot,
there's no point in rocking the boat,
It's too late for that.
The time is up!
 
And when the new spring comes
and wakes the tired ice
with it will ring, like a wind in the sky,
restless voices.
 
Our voices!
 
The sun will rise over the burnt down field,
melting the ice of TV antennas,
and the huge lifeless golem
will rise again from its knees.
When this cold lump of biomass
will be able to think for itself,
it will hear the voices
through ice-caked metastases!7
 
And that's when the new spring will come
and the tired ice wake from its slumber.
With it will ring, like a wind ruffling hair,
restless voices.
 
And then the spring will come into the cities
(A new spring!)
and wake the tired ice,
(A new spring!)
With it will ring, like a wind in the sky
(Our voices!)
rebellious voices!
(Our voices!)
 
  • 1. the "tired ice" is a poetic image for spring's thawing ice, that can be found in 19th century poems
  • 2. вино(wine) and вина(guilt/fault) are very similar, so that sounds close to "wine turns into water"
  • 3. lit. "worms", meant as "subservient people"
  • 4. assuming "твой каждый день". The current transcription means "remember that every day" but sounds a bit fishy
  • 5. that's a rather direct allusion to concentration camps. Well, political correctness is not Pornofilmi's middle name...
  • 6. lit "closer and warmer"
  • 7. that's certainly an original metaphor Teeth smile
This translation does not claim to be of any particular value.
Glad if you liked it, sorry if you didn't.
You can reuse it as you please.
Glad if it's for knowledge or understanding, sorry if it's just for money or fame.
Submitted by petit élève on Fri, 19/01/2018 - 23:25
Last edited by petit élève on Mon, 22/01/2018 - 15:39
Author's comments:

Consider this a work in progress. I can't possibly complete this translation without native help.

The author of translation requested proofreading.
It means that he/she will be happy to receive corrections, suggestions etc about the translation.
If you are proficient in both languages of the language pair, you are welcome to leave your comments.
Comments
petit élève    Sun, 21/01/2018 - 18:14

"would come" would rather express a repetitive action in the past : "every morning he would have breakfast and set off to work..."

Brat    Mon, 22/01/2018 - 06:20
petit élève escreveu:

"would come" would rather express a repetitive action in the past : "every morning he would have breakfast and set off to work..."

A pair of "would-would" will certainly produce this effect. (When he would come home, he would take off his boots at the entrance). And it could also add some uncertainty when used in a certain context concerning the present. (That's like boots pounding! Is that Peter? - Oh, when he would come home, he would take off his boots at the entrance.) That means the speaker is not certain whether it's Peter or not; and if it is him, something might have happened that made him hurry, because he used to take off his boots at the entrance, normally...
This is how we compress meanings in English, because 'would', being itself the emanation of 'will' into the past, still bears a print of future on it. And again we should remember the beginning of Eliot's "Burnt Norton":
Time present and time past
Are both perhaps present in time future,
And time future contained in time past.

And what about a pair of "would-will""?

When a new spring would come Обычно, когда приходит новая весна,
It would wake up the tired ice. Она пробуждает усталый лёд.
And the _____________ voices will sing И____________голоса будут слышны
Like wind playing hair around the ears Подобно ветру, играющему в волосах

It will be a view taken from another viewpoint but still not the very perfect translation, because Russian has its own rules of meaning compression that are not fully adaptable to the other languages... We'll surely lose something trying to preserve this or that aspect. But at the same time this opens a way to the variety of other possible translations. Wink smile

In addition, while you're analyzing a piece of poetry, you should always bear in mind that the author had quite a lot of options when he composed this or that line.
Look, there's "И когда придет НОВАЯ весна"
"И" and "НОВАЯ" tell us that it's not the first time for spring to come, but that should be a 'new' one coming.
At the same time "И" shows us a kind of uncertainty, making us rely upon the prior experience. Otherwise it might have been smth. like "А когда", "Но когда", "В час, когда" and so on. Also note that "голоса БУДУТ (с ней) ЗВЕНЕТЬ" and not "ЗАЗВЕНЯТ" that removes the sense of immediate following that otherwise should have been translated as "voices will start singing" .
Nevertheless I like the current rendition as it dashes a kind of promising hue...

BTW, having listened to the audio track of the main video carefully I'm about to make some corrections to the lyrics:
First of all it should be "Твой каждый день" after "Черви крестят бюллетень" sung as "Тво-и каждый день". That's good to find out because the current expression makes little sense, if any. And it should be "Где клеймо обличает за голос" instead of the passive voice: "Где клеймом обличается голос". It sounds better but I still prefer the variant from the other video - "Где клеймом отмечают за голос", that could be footnoted as a variant. And if we found another video it would probably yield another variant... Teeth smile

Ну вот, вроде бы песню препарировали, теперь можно хоронить... Devil smile

petit élève    Mon, 22/01/2018 - 09:30

Nice job.

I think @Gavin should have the final say on the best choice of tenses. My gut feeling is that to emphasise the uncertainty, you would rather change the verb, something like "shall a new spring come [someday]", but I don't have the feeling of a native and my limited grasp of Russian adds too much uncertainty.

Твой каждый день -> "every single day of your life" or something like that? I don't see how to make it as snappy as the Russian.

Где клеймом отмечают за голос / Где клеймом обличается голос -> this reflexive+passive construct seems to be rather common in Russian, like "весной, воздух легко дышается / легко дышать воздух весной". Since a similar construct would sound artificial in English, the difference is hard to render, except by adding clues on the "passiveness" of the subject Regular smile

Gavin    Mon, 22/01/2018 - 15:20

Hello there Regular smile

I would say you are all thinking a bit to hard about this. English tend to be a bit more straightforward on this sort of thing, we don't do all that agreement of tenses and prefer to just use the simple present. So the most natural way for the first verse to read would be just:

When a new spring comes
and the tired ice wakes from its slumber
with it will ring, like a wind ruffling hair,
restless voices.

However - if you really did want to underline the uncertainty then a rather elegant way would be to use 'should'

Should a new spring come (or: If a new spring should come)
and the tired ice wake from its slumber
with it will ring, like a wind ruffling hair,
restless voices.

(Note: come, wake (not comes, wakes) following 'should' )

Brat    Mon, 22/01/2018 - 16:04

That might have been a good idea to use that unusual 'shall'...*thumbs_up* But Gavin's 'should' should do the job better.
As for "Твой каждый день" - it comes after "бюллетень" and may refer to it. There's an ambiguity of the kind... Sad smile
There is a possible way to say merely 'Every day' to help keep it unriddled...

petit élève escreveu:

Где клеймом отмечают за голос / Где клеймом обличается голос -> this reflexive+passive construct seems to be rather common in Russian, like "весной, воздух легко дышается / легко дышать воздух весной". Since a similar construct would sound artificial in English

In English it would be "In spring, the air is easily breatht/It is easy to breathe with air in spring" (It reads as funny in English as your phrase does in Russian) But it does not matter at all. You can use either the passive or active voice, the only difference could be present in the verbs "отмечают" (to mark) and "обличает" (to unmask) but I suppose there's no need to use any of them since we have a pretty good verb 'to execrate'. It fits the meaning perfectly. Regular smile -> They execrate the freedom of those wanting to have a mind of their own... Regular smile

Ivan U7n    Sun, 21/01/2018 - 18:03

It sounds to me natural:
When a new spring comes
and the tired ice wakes them up,
they will ring with the spring like a wind ruffling hair,
the restless voices.
However the source is rather strange, thus the translation is ought to be too. Wink smile

petit élève    Sun, 21/01/2018 - 18:07

I'm not 100% sure, but using the present makes it sound like something that happens every year.
I think I can safely get rid of the 2nd "will" though. I had left it there for effect (like a prophecy or something) but on second thoughts it rather makes it sound ponderous than epic Teeth smile

Ivan U7n    Sun, 21/01/2018 - 18:15

Well, if they (the group I mean) have a say, it will sound like it all happens every cycle, every election cycle that is. Regular smile

Ivan U7n    Sun, 21/01/2018 - 18:18

What about
When a new spring is to come
and the tired ice is to wake them up,
...
then?

petit élève    Sun, 21/01/2018 - 18:20

that would still mean "each time a new spring is to come", I think, but that kind of subtle tense variations is perillously stretching my mastery of English Regular smile

Ivan U7n    Sun, 21/01/2018 - 18:38

Mine too, I'm afraid. It seems according to the English grammar if the action is single or repeatable is dependent on the context.
Even the future in the conditional doesn't help, the only thing I can think of is to use present perfect in it:
When a new spring has come
and the tired ice has woken them up,
then the future in the main part will make it all in the future, or so I hope. Wink smile

Brat    Sun, 21/01/2018 - 18:45

That's what I call 'dangling conditionals', though there's no term for this in English Grammar. But there's a pretty lot of conditional combinations that are still out of the majority of Grammar Guides. The only thing I should say here is that when you say 'when a new spring comes and smth. happens' that means it is very probable to happen, and the enumerated events will surely happen simultaneously. But since there's still a slip between the cup and the lip (and it's permanently present in Russia) some other expressions are to be used there... Pierre used a kind of mixed tense to introduce some feeling of a 'non-100% probability'.

petit élève    Sun, 21/01/2018 - 20:32

nicely said, that was indeed the idea. The only trouble is, I'm not sure a native would understand it as intended Regular smile

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