Kubansky Kazachy Khor - Тихая моя родина (English translation)

Proofreading requested
Russian

Тихая моя родина

Тихая моя родина!
Ивы, река, соловьи…
Мать моя здесь похоронена
В детские годы мои
 
- Где же погост? Вы не видели?
Сам я найти не могу. –
Тихо ответили жители:
- Это на том берегу.
 
Тихо ответили жители,
Тихо проехал обоз.
Купол церковной обители
Яркой травою зарос.
 
Тина теперь и болотина
Там, где купаться любил…
Тихая моя родина,
Я ничего не забыл.
 
Школа моя деревянная!...
Время придет уезжать –
Речка за мною туманная
Будет бежать и бежать.
 
С каждой избою и тучею,
С громом готовым упасть,
Чувствую самую жгучую,
Саму смертную связь.
 
Submitted by eddy_moa on Mon, 12/09/2016 - 10:37
Align paragraphs
English translation

My Quiet Homeland

Oh, my quiet homeland!
Willows, a river, nightingales...
My mother is buried here
In the years of my childhood
 
- Where is the graveyard? Have you seen it?
For I can't fіnd it. -
The habitants replied quitely:
- That is on the opposite shore.
 
The habitants replied quietly,
The carts quietly passed ,
The dome of the church
Is overgrown with bright grass.
 
Now there's only mug and slough
In the place where I liked to swim...
Oh, my quiet homeland,
I haven't forgotten anything.
 
Oh, my school of wood!...
When the time to leave will come -
The misty river will be
Running and following me.
 
With every izba and every cloud,
With every lightning, that is ready to strike,
I feel the most searing,
the most mortal bond.
 
Please don't hesitate to correct me, especially if the translation language is your native language.
With Best Regards,
© Alexander Laskavtsev
Submitted by Alexander Laskavtsev on Mon, 12/09/2016 - 11:25
Added in reply to request by eddy_moa
Last edited by Alexander Laskavtsev on Fri, 09/02/2018 - 12:28
The author of translation requested proofreading.
It means that he/she will be happy to receive corrections, suggestions etc about the translation.
If you are proficient in both languages of the language pair, you are welcome to leave your comments.
Comments
Folie de Chansons    Fri, 09/02/2018 - 08:31

Both English and Russian are not my natives langages, but I think it hasn't articles before plurial names, like "willows" or "nightingales".
It would be probably better like this :

"Oh my quiet homeland !
Willows, a river, nightingales...."

But you made a very good translation... thank you !

petit élève    Fri, 09/02/2018 - 08:47

English can use articles in plural, basically where French would use defined articles. No articles in English is roughly equivalent to French undefined articles.
Here it could be appropritate if the idea is to enumerate typical features.

Folie de Chansons    Sat, 10/02/2018 - 09:23

I made that once in a homework... and the professor told me it was no appropriate. Actually, I don't know...

petit élève    Sat, 10/02/2018 - 09:28

Méchant prof Regular smile
A mon avis il y a eu une petite incompréhension entre vous deux. Il n'y a aucun doute qu'on peut utiliser des articles définis au pluriel en anglais, mais effectivement les articles ne s'emploient pas toujours de la même façon dans les deux langues. Il y a des cas où il ne faut pas en mettre là où le français en mettrait, mais ce n'est pas toujours vrai.

Folie de Chansons    Sat, 10/02/2018 - 09:32

Fort probable... surtout que je n'ai pas toujours très bien compris ses explications, hum.
La grammaire anglaise est trooop compliquée xD.

Allez, je vais revoir ça pour mon prochain devoir. On fait beaucoup d'anglais en licence.

petit élève    Sat, 10/02/2018 - 09:37

Je ne suis pas vraiment calé en théorie, mais en gros l'idée c'est "the trees" comme "(tous) les arbres (que je vois)".
Si tu peux rajouter "all" devant, c'est que le "the" doit marcher, comme le "all the birds in the trees" chez Supertramp Regular smile

Folie de Chansons    Sat, 10/02/2018 - 09:38

Ok je crois que je commence à comprendre !
Merci !!

petit élève    Fri, 09/02/2018 - 08:56

mug and slough -> typo

school of wood -> sounds like a school where you learn about wood. Rather "wooden school", I think

When the time to leave will come -> rather "comes", the future is implicit here

be running and following -> continuous seems odd here. That would mean the river will start running before the time to leave and will still be running then. "will run and follow..." ?

every lightning, that is ready to strike -> I'd just skip ", that is"