Looking at your translation in response to your comment on my comment to Rosa's translation.

A general point: it's fine trying to be different and avoid making the same choices as Rosa when you translate but you need to be careful that you get the right meaning when you pick different words.

Line 2: ouch! I hold my breath is not really good (aguanto la respiración is very different from me guardo un sospiro), but if you want to avoid using "I hold back a sigh" you have to find something better that "hold my breath"; maybe "I avoid sighing" or something similar, but "hold back a sigh" is the best I can think of and that's what Rosa has.

I think that "por" in the Spanish is expressing intent, rather than result (although the result and the intent are the same in this instance, this is a real difference in meaning); so the simple present tense is wrong, you need "won't" rather than "doesn't" (that's habitual present here, not future, although most people will say it's future because they think accidence supercedes meaning - a mistake that those of us lucky enough to speak a language where only two [irregular] verbs have a simple present tense never make).
"know" seems very wrong here, it's the transition form not knowing to knowing that delatar expresses, and know doesn't expresse that in English; maybe "discover my feelings" means the right thing, but it seems a bit clumsy, as does anything I can think of that converts delatarme to active. The Spanish uses a simple passive so maybe it would be better to avoid flipping to active - "give myself away"is fine, but "reveal my feelings" or "ldisplay my feelings" or "expose myself" or "expose my feelings"a re some of the possibilities if you want to avoid using the same words as Rosa.

Line 3: "set on fire" is always transitive and requires a direct object; since you don't have one, you need to make it either passive or reflexive (unlike Spanish, in English those two modes are distinct) - or you need to pick a different verb. I would probably pick "bursts into flame"(always intransitive); Rosa's "ignite" is sort of OK too as it can be used intransitively as well as well as transitively, but I think something less mild than "ignite" is preferable.
line 4: "everything" seems a bit mild for "mi vida" although I guess it's not actually wrong - I could stick to "my life" but maybe "my all" would be more intense that "everything" (and "anything" would be somewhere in between the two). But maybe I'd be inclined to say "give life itself".

That's enough for tonight. I'll get to the rest when I can.