Along the street
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sari_laleler on 2011-07-24
Vavachat | 1. | Friends - songs in Russian |
| 2. | Moody |
| 3. | Poetry |
| 1. | Миллион роз (Million roz) |
| 2. | Позови меня с собой (Pozovi menya s soboy) |
| 3. | Арлекино (Arlekino) |
RadixIce
Wed, 24/05/2023 - 03:05
When you rate a translation with less than 5 stars, then you are obliged to provide the user with reasons and corrections. Saying “it does not capture the poetry for me” is not a justification of your rating. Additionally, 1 star means the translation in question is either a machine translation or worse than a machine translation. Therefore, I’m kindly asking you to review your rating and explanations.
Dr_Igor
Wed, 24/05/2023 - 03:19
Jala,
this member is new and probably deserves the benefit of the doubt.
Tim,
Let me give you a piece of advice from a veteran. The first thing you should do now is remove your votes (both). Then you can study the guidelines for reviews/votes. You will not want to restore your reviews/votes after that.
Besides, giving bad reviews to translations of members who are not around ( haven't checked in in a long while) is a very bad form. Doing that when you have a "competing" translation is an extremely bad form.
Tim Ash 1
Sat, 10/06/2023 - 15:51
Specific issues:
Title - original mentions "moyei" which means "mine/my". This is very in flavor different from an arbitrary "the" street.
"My friends senseless leaving" is incorrect and completely changes the meaning. The Russian word "медлительный" corresponds to "slow" or "slowed down" or "slow motion".
"Your concerts strict motives" is not grammatical or correct. The original is expressed as possesive: "the stern themes of your concerts" or "your concert's stern themes".
"To find foliage and to bring to the person," - It sounds like someone is gathering leaves and bringing them to someone else. The last word is incorrect - "лицу" means "face". This verse is about a first-person experience of communing with nature. There is no other "person" involved. The line should read "To find fallen leaves and bring them up to my face".
Dr_Igor
Sun, 11/06/2023 - 01:33
OK, Tim,
while somebody may appreciate your sticking to your guns and keeping trying to put that poor translator down I'm going to invalidate two of your "issues" leaving you with just one. On the other hand, I will show you that your own translation has
more serious "issues". If I was a newbie and an asshole and was guided by your knit-picking criteria for rating I should have rated your translation at two stars but I'm neither and so I won't rate your translation. I never do. No respected translator at this site does.
So
1. The dropping of "my" in the title was not a mistake - it was intentional, just look at the first line of the translation itself.
The translator just used a little poetic freedom to shorten the title.
2. There's nothing wrong grammatically (or semantically) in the line "your concerts strict motives" - "concerts" here is what's called an "attributive noun", i.e. a noun that works as an adjective, like "ladies room". It's a valid choice along with the choice of making it a possessive: "your concerts' strict motives".
As I said - the third issue is yours. She did make a mistake there.
Now, let's count the mistakes in your translation
1. Apparently you either don't know what the Russian word "циркуль" means or don't know the English word for that object.
That word is "compass" ( not to be confused with another compass that shows North, South, etc. - what can you do
coincidences happen in languages).
2. Why would Ahmadullina bring "compass" into the discussion? The answer is two lines down - the idea of completion of the life circle - she uses the analogy with completing a geometrical circle ( that's the expression - to complete the circle = замкнуть круг, not "seal" it). And what geometrical tool do you use to draw a circle? A compass. You completely missed the whole thing.
3. "hitherto lived" is a poor choice of words to express the meaning of "who are still alive". You usually use the word hitherto to describe the past ( up until the current moment in time) condition, that is about to change or is changing at the current moment in time. Those who are "доселе живы" are not about to die or dying at the moment.
4. In the line
"Как холодно ты замыкаешь круг"
"холодно" is an adverb modifying the verb "замыкаешь", the comma in the LT published text is a typo - if you ever heard it sung you would have known that.
There's smaller stuff like "metal" for "железный", "give up (secrets)" for "доверит", etc. but I think it is enough for the sake of this discussion. You are not qualified to rate anybody's translation of this song/poem. Be a man, Tim, and remove your rating.
Due to merging of the source lyrics might have been updated. Please review your translation.