Pas grand-chose à redire, et ce sont surtout des suggestions :)
* ''maybe two years too old''
--> je trouve que 'Maybe (it was) two years too much' sonne mieux, mais à toi de voir...
* "Bien sur, vous aviez eu
Des dizaines de conquetes
Que personnes n’avaient vues
Toujours pendant les fetes"
En fait moi j'avais interprété le paragraphe comme:
"Of course you had won
Scores of hearts
That no one ever saw
(It was) always during/at parties"
* "De celles qui comptent
Mais pas tant que ca"
--> "(One) of those who matter
But not that much"
* "I was one of those
who already agreed."
--> Peut-être 'who already consented'?
* "You came by me
but the next day
you would not be seen
holding my hand"
--> Seulement le 'you came by me' qui me dérange...je trouve que ça sonne un peu étrange. Peut-être que tu pourrais dire 'You came to my home', 'You passed the night at my house', ou quelque chose du genre?
* "And now you had done it
and held learned lectures,"
--> 'Gave lectures', simplement? Je crois pas que 'learned' soit nécessaire, en tout cas.
* "would have had my head shaved
in another era"
--> 'Would have shaved off my hair
In another time'
Avec un peu de chance, yaura quelque chose d'utile là-dedans...;)
The other version is quite good, but I like this song very much and wanted to see what I could make of it. Hope the result does not disgrace the original.