It's been a while eh, Sergey? Alright, let's get to work ;)
Perviy abzac xorosh, no v nem odna oshibochka:
«It seems someone decided that it's the winter»
Nelzya c tem artiklom. Mi skazali bi bez nego: «it's winter»
Vo vtorom:
«Let I would be a cold thing»
Eta fraza ochen, ochen arxaichna i knijna— ni ponyal bi obichniy chelovek. A v nashe vremya, govoryat «even if» ili «although».
«But at least with clear glance»
A zdes, na samom dele, nash lyubimaya artiklochka nujna.
«But someone decided that it's the war»
No zdes, ona nejelatelna!
V tretem:
«I don't want to know all those
Who already paints the sky»
V etom sluchae «paint» nujno (they paint).
Kstati, pochemu v originale ne skazaloc «kto krasyat nebo»?
«I haven't seen people more terrible
Than those of color khaki.»
«Of color khaki» neestestvenno. Kogda govorim o chelovekax, mojno «those [dressed] in khaki»
«Well, let I would be even the devil itself»
Uje otmechalos vishe
V chetvyortom:
«Has ordered to attack the summer»
Kogda govorite «to order», nujno i predmet ukazat, i kosvennoe dopolnenie (t.e. tot, komu prikazali chto-to cdelat). Nelzya prosto «he ordered to attack»; nujno «he ordered his soldiers to attack» ili «he ordered an attack [on the summer]»...ya predpochitayu vtoroe.
V pyatom:
«I feel the smell of burning»
Net takoi frazi, kak «to feel a smell», no mojno «to sense a smell».
V poslednim:
«Than the globe of color khaki»
Nelzya «of color khaki». Est neskolko variantov: globe with khaki color, globe of khaki color (a ne color khaki), ili prosto khaki globe.
V celom, xoroshaya rabota— tam mnogo primerov «naturnaloy» grammatiki. Vi yavno uluchshili svoy angliyskiy.
The song contains many strange combinations
of verbs with nouns, but it's the author's idea not mine.