Hi,
There are a couple of suggestions I'd like to give to you about the song:
Do jeito que vem, va - > There's a known idiom for that expression, the one is 'vem fácil, vai fácil'.
Eu deveria ter sabido que você era um problema - > This one is correct but I think it would sound more natural if it were written like that: Eu deveria saber que você era um problema. It's up to you to change or not to change it ;) Both are understandable.
Why were they open? - > this line has not been translated.
Eu te tenho dado todo o que eu tinha -> he is using the simple past in English (gave) not the present perfect (have given), thus it would have to be translated as: Eu te dei tudo o que eu tinha. If, by any chance, he were using the present perfect, you would have to write: Eu tenho te dado tudo o que eu tinha. The 'te' has to follow 'tenho', when you put it before the 'tenho' it sounds awkward.
i vocé o jogaste fora -> E você o jogou fora/e tu o jogaste fora (the last one is not used in Brazil Portuguese, although it is used in European Portuguese). 'and' is 'e' (which sounds like 'i' when spoken, I think it was the reason why you translated it as 'i')
Tinha devido me dar o seu amor
è tudo o que eu sempre tenho querido -> Me dar todo o seu amor é tudo o que eu sempre pedi. The original translation sounds awkward and I don't know how 'tinha devido' came about if it doesn't exist in the original lyrics.
Eu pegaria uma granada pra vocé -> Eu pegaria uma granada por você. When you say 'granada para você' it sounds like you are catching a granade to give it to me, but you actually is catching it FOR me, you would do it instead of me.
Lançar a minha mao na lamina pra vocé -> Lançaria a minha mão na/nas lâmina/lâminas por você. Here you write 'lançaria' (which means would + throw) because the singer has already settled 'would' in the first line of this verse (I'd), so the next verbs got to have the 'would' (iria in Portuguese - lançaria).
The next two lines you should replace 'para' for 'por'.
Eu iria através o dor - > Eu passaria por toda a/esta dor
aceitar uma bala direto no minho cérebro -> Levaria uma balada direto no meu cérebro
The next line you should also replace 'para' for 'por'.
Delicia -> it doesn't fit fine here, you should either keep 'baby' or 'querido/querida'.
The next line you should also replace 'para' for 'por'.
bate em mim até fico tonto -> Batem em mim até ficar tonto
Diz ao demonio que eu te disse "olà" quando vocé viraste da onde vocé ven -> Diz/diga ao demônio que eu disse 'Olá' quando você voltar para de onde você é/veio.
Sim, vocé me sorri e depois vai mover os freios do meu carro - > Sim, você sorri para mim mas depois arranca os freios do meu carro. This one was literally translated, but it is my understanding that it was figuratively used, which means that the girl acts nice in front of him but she wants to kill him by ripping the brakes out, which would make it impossible to brake when he needed to.
You have not translated:
"If my body was on fire
You would watch me burn down in flames
You said you loved me, you're a liar
Cause you never ever ever did, baby
But, darling,"
Other suggestions is to fix the wrong accents (è should be é, vocé should be você, olà should be olá).
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Well, it seems like there are a lot of things to be worked on, let's get to work! I hope the translation can be improved by considering carefully my suggestions. Have a nice day :)
I hope there aren't mistakes!!!!