| 1. | Step-Friend |
| 2. | A Song for Krisia |
| 3. | 4 Teens |
| 1. | Brave the day |
| 2. | Child's play |
| 3. | Jeux d’enfant |
Ivan U7n
Szerda, 22/11/2017 - 10:00
I'll need at first to know how to read French to see any rhythm and rhyming. :D It'll be just a little surprise for the coming holidays, thus do rhyming if you wish, but I don't insist in anyway.
The only thing I don't understand is how from the single word step-friend (like step-mother, step-daughter, etc.) you've made 5. :P
Ivan U7n
Szerda, 22/11/2017 - 10:51
Now, that you mentioned it, I had no idea how I'd say the title in Russian, because the whole "poem" was thought through entirely in English. But the title was colored by some negative association Russian (or at least I) has with the step-mother/step-daughter relationship from the Cinderella story.
Your interpretation (the first meaning) is rather good, because after thinking on it I'd put the title as "недодруг" in Russian, thus rendering it like "semifriend" in English meaning "not so good of a friend". I know that both words are inexistent, but I think you've got the idea.
Yes, as the surprise is intended for the female (and describes a little her and her BFF), it being feminine is excellent. I totally forgot about this aspect because the English is genderless.
Ivan U7n
Szerda, 22/11/2017 - 13:55
Yep! It looks great. I'd have given you 5 stars, but I can't.
Now, I know GT/YT is a rather silly tool to rely upon, but the end of the first stanza given by them sounds "I feel good alone, without anyone / who wants to hear my distress". Is this misunderstanding or a GT/YT quirk? :)
And I may sound clingy, but what's your overall impression of the original? Because this is the first ever thing written by me entirely from scratch in English, I'd like to have some feedback. :P
Gavin
Szerda, 22/11/2017 - 14:57
In fact it really is mostly fine. Some of the word order is a little unusual but that's quite acceptable for poetry. I like it and the meaning is very clear. :)
These are the only lines that jarred with me a bit. With my additions or changes in capitals:
I have lots OF hard steps to take
Which ONES are better for my sake (each time these 2 lines occur)
You ignoring all THAT’S left behind
You ignoring all THAT we’ve gone through
(that/what is an error even native speakers make but it does sound quite bad - I'd say this change was essential)
Ivan U7n
Szerda, 22/11/2017 - 17:06
Damn, I was sure of that/what in these lines. However sometimes it's hard to choose the correct one, because Russian has one word that can mean that/what/which/who/etc. Thus, even if I was writing (and thinking) in English, my thoughts were with Russian "accent". ;)
Adding these single-syllable words unfortunately breaks the rhythm. There's also "looking brave towards..." that I think should be "looking bravely towards...", but alas it again breaks the rhythm. What about:
I have some hard steps to take –
which one's better for my sake?
It changes the meaning a little, but not very much and seems grammatically correct.
The word order isn't my best suite, because my "accented" English is influenced by the almost free word order in Russian. I will at least change "X Y me you rush" to "X you rush Y me".
And if you see any unnecessary commas, let me know too, because I tend to put them a lot thanks again to my "accented" English as Russian uses them a lot more than English does.
Gavin
Szerda, 22/11/2017 - 17:35
Well like I say even native speakers get what/that wrong but it really doesn't sound too good so best to correct it.
Yes, it's tricky not spoiling the rhythm and in a song/poem you can certainly take some liberties...Overdo it too much though and it can sound a little Yoda-speak (as Pierre is fond of pointing out) ;)
"never to forget what for are friends." is rather pushing the limit but I see the necessity of getting "friends" to the end of the line. Really should of course be "what friends are for"
lots OF - that's essential I'm afraid. But it reads ok to my ear
Which ONES are better - well, without the ONES it's a bit ambiguous but you could get away without it.
However:
I have some hard steps to take –
which one's better for my sake?
- Yes, this is fine. Nice solution :)
"Yet past me you rush towards the end" - well that is a bit unusual but not out of place in a poem. I wouldn't worry about that one too much
Ivan U7n
Szerda, 22/11/2017 - 17:54
I hope everything's all right now and there'll be no more changes so Pierre can tweak his translation for the last time.
I also have a rather strong sense of rhythm (or at least I think so) and my poem is in trochee that by itself is rare for English. And to my ears these additions were like a sore thumb.
PS. I've done Yoda-speak once myself while making a singable translation and never noticed it, because I just copied the word order of an original that resulted in "does not matter where to / us will lead the chosen path" that sounded to me "natural". :D
Brat
Szerda, 22/11/2017 - 18:35
"never to forget what for are friends." is rather pushing the limit but I see the necessity of getting "friends" to the end of the line. Really should of course be "what friends are for"
It could be changed into "never to forget the point of friends" without breaking the meaning, and the rhythm, of course, if the author wanna do so...
Guest 2017-11-22
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 4.0 International License.
These lyrics were written as a birthday present for a daughter of my friend, but they don’t have any associated music.