Father Christmas [ Père Noël (Pere Noel) ]
Every year, with winter,
comes my favourite month,
and since I've been very nice,
I'm waiting for an old character.
Hidden behind the Christmas tree,
I watch the chimney
with my child-eyes
- I was six, it's perfectly fine -
I sneak up so as not to miss anything,
but he lands, slips and yells, "Sh*t!"
This year, it's very strange,
He says "Hi, buttholes!" "Hello, Father Christmas."
"Don't you want a beer, kid?"
I liked him better last year.
"Well, what have you got in your sack?"
"Syringes and condoms."
"Oh. Okay, well... that isn't what I asked for! I asked for..."
"Hey - That's what I've got, so don't whine."
Then he pushes me away,
belches and pees on the tree.
Father Christmas, you are the only friend of children
who would always have at least three grams in his blood.
Father Christmas, you come back to visit all the little twerps
even if you aren't really a present.
I wanted a kitty cat (I was going to name it Snowball!)
"Yeah, that's right, choose a finger."
"Or the same bike Damien has!" "Who's Damien?" "My neighbour."
"Well, you just have to steal his..."
"Tell me, Father Christmas,
how are things at your place?
I'm sure there are reindeer and elves...?"
"No, what are you smoking?
I live in Porte de la Chapelle
in a dumpster.
"What's wrong, Father Christmas?
Did you want a Vittel? *
Your breath stinks."
"Let me ---"
"Oh, Father Christmas!" He barfed on the nativity scene!
"Look, kid, where's your Dad's whiskey?"
"There's none left."
"Fine, screw it, I'm going home!"
"Can I come with you, old man in red?"
"Who do you think I am? Chantal Goya?!" **
"Tell me, Santa, will you come back next year?"
"Yeah, right -- and your sister is Mongolian!" ***