Flëur - Opasnaya britva (Опасная бритва) (перевод на Английский)

перевод на Английский

Dangerous Razor

I let you
In this gloomy night
As long as I'm still alive
Do everything you want
 
You may delete all the files
You may start a fight
Just leave my
Dangerous razor to me
 
I'm poisoned
I'll become mean soon
So you take a grenade
It's effective enough
 
Lots of sharp splinters
Lots of lacerated wounds
Just let me unscrew
My precious gas tap
 
And if you feel awkward about
Watching my agony
At least let me use the rope
According to its intended purpose
 
You may delete all the files
You may start a fight
Just leave my
Dangerous razor to me
 
Добавлено Lemoncholic в пн, 25/06/2012 - 11:22
Добавлено в ответ на запрос Dogvillan
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Opasnaya britva (Опасная бритва)

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kuroi_neko    сб, 18/08/2012 - 16:36

Pretty good. Now for my usual nitpicking Regular smile

"Я тебе разрешаю...Можешь делать..." -> I allow you...to do...

"устроить битву" -> if i'm not mistaken, "битва" is more like a fight in a war, it is not used for a mere quarrel. So I think it would be better to pick a more explicit word ("battle" maybe?)

Just leave my dangerous razor to me -> maybe "just leave me my dangerous razor"?

Я под действием яда cкоро стану противной; -> more like "under the influence of poison I will soon become ugly" or "the poison will soon make me look ugly"

весьма эффективна -> not sure about that, but does it not rather mean "the most effective"?

тебе неловко -> more like "feel ill at ease" in this context? Can't think of a better word right now, but do you see what I mean?

AN60SH    сб, 18/08/2012 - 18:06
5

Hi… По "мотивам замечаний":
1. I allow you for all…???
2. battle --yes!
3. just leave me… -yes! But: … razor to me. – too?
4. under the influence…? = because of the influence…? Здесь: под = из-за (по причине) воздействия…
Ugly??? Здесь, по-моему: противная = неприятная = несносная, unpleasant?, annoying? insupportable?
5. весьма эффективна = очень эффективна. ...effective enough. -- на мой взгяд подходит. Или же
"the very very effective"?
6. awkward? Не вижу неправильности, = hard.
Bye