You requested a proofreading, but I'd say the translation is almost perfect as it is. One possible mistake is that you translated 振られる采 as "a rejected shade", when it's probably more likely to mean "the dice are thrown" where 振られる is the passive form of 振る. That line is a little ambiguous though so who knows. It'd be nitpicking to give any more corrections, so good job with the translation.