冬の地下道 (Fuyu no Chikadou) (إلى الإنكليزية ترجم)

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冬の地下道 (Fuyu no Chikadou)

冬の地下道の灰色の壁に 青いクレヨンで空を描いたの
水銀燈の 光のはしに 青ざめた空
ふけゆく街のざわめきを 風にちらして遠く近く
カツンカツンと はねかえす はねかえす
 
冬の地下道のしみついた壁に 青いクレヨンで海を描いたの
しかくいしかくい 海の底に よどんだあかり
一人ぽっちの影坊師 うつしてばし凍りつき
コロンコロンと ひびわれる ひびわれる
 
冬の地下道の灰色の壁に 青いクレヨンで何を描いたの
空もかいたし 海むかいた くすんだ壁
悲しく白いためいきは 風をふくんで舞いあがり
カランカランと 冴えわたる
 
تم نشره بواسطة Julian KragsetJulian Kragset في السبت, 24/11/2018 - 19:03
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إلى الإنكليزية ترجم

The Winter Subway

On the grey wall of the winter underpass, I drew a sky with a blue crayon.
In the corner of mercury light, a pale sky.
Noises of the town getting late, scattered by the wind close by, afar.
Katsun, katsun, it goes around and around.
 
On this stained wall of the winter subway, I drew a sea with a blue crayon.
In the bottom of this square, square sea, a stagnating light.
A lone silhouette is reflected, freezing.
Koron, koron, It's cracking, it's cracking.
 
On the grey wall of the winter underpass, ah all that I drew!
I drew a sky, a sea as well on this dull wall.
A sigh is blown away, sadly by the wind.
Karan, karan, it goes away clearly.
 
Feel free to comment, or to point out any mistakes you spot. Thanks!
تم نشره بواسطة SaltyLemonSaltyLemon في الأربعاء, 28/11/2018 - 20:22
Added in reply to request by Julian KragsetJulian Kragset
تم تعديله آخر مرة بواسطة SaltyLemonSaltyLemon في الأربعاء, 27/02/2019 - 18:30
كاتب الترجمة يطلب التصحيح، بمعنى أنه سيكون سعيدا لتلقي التعديلات والاقتراحات حول ترجمته، إن كنت محترفا في كلتا اللغتين فتعليقاتك ستكون موضع ترحيب
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mzwtmzwt    السبت, 23/02/2019 - 09:42

Good choice! I love this song too.

I would rather:

On the grey wall of the winter underpass, ...

In the corner of mercury light, ...

Noises of the town getting late, ...

A lone silhouette is cast and briefly frozen still,

On the grey wall of the winter underpass, what should I draw now?

SaltyLemonSaltyLemon    الأربعاء, 27/02/2019 - 18:23

You're right, it seems I've made a few mistakes. I didn't realise ふけゆく was 更ける and I interpreted はし as "bridge" even though "corner" clearly makes more sense. So you think underpass fits better than subway, I'm no native speaker so I'll trust you on that one. However I'm not too sure about "what should I draw now ?" It could fit in the context but the grammar doesn't seem appropriate to me. I think it's just an exclamation of some kind like "Ohh all the things I've drawn!..."
Thanks a lot for your comment, glad to have some feedback (and some help)!