Песенка о ночной Москве (إلى الإنكليزية ترجم)

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Night Moscow song

النسخ: #1#2
When suddenly you hear the sound of distant funnels in the dark,
The words of prayer like hawks of midnight escape the hot lips as they spark,
The melody is haunting people like sudden raindrops from above –
The little orchestra of hope conducted by the word of love.
In years of war and desolation when rains of treason, rains of lead
Attacked our backs with ruthless anger and there was nobody to help,
And officers had husky voices, what ruled our fortunes from above? –
The little orchestra of hope conducted by the word of love.
Clarinet has holes, the trumpet’s broken, bassoon is rubbed like wise man’s stick,
The skin of drum has gone to pieces, the clarinettist’s still all chic,
The flutist’s subtle as a young prince, conspiring people from above –
The little orchestra of hope conducted by the word of love.
تم نشره بواسطة Владимир РябовВладимир Рябов في الأربعاء, 10/04/2019 - 07:03
كاتب الترجمة يطلب التصحيح، بمعنى أنه سيكون سعيدا لتلقي التعديلات والاقتراحات حول ترجمته، إن كنت محترفا في كلتا اللغتين فتعليقاتك ستكون موضع ترحيب

Песенка о ночной Москве

SchnurrbratSchnurrbrat    الثلاثاء, 23/04/2019 - 03:53

Hi, Vladimir.

Suggestions only:
hawks of midnight probably o.k. but just FYI: there are "nighthawks" as bird species, they are technically not hawks, but "козодои" =)
haunting = is too strong of the word in this context. relative to ghosts, etc. "Chasing?" it will not change syllables & stresses.
Clarinet has holes = a bit confusing line, imho. since all wind instruments has a number of holes.
wise man’s stick, = i would like to see staff/wand there, but i've noticed your rhyme with chic.

funnels - poor word choice to me
i only heard this regarding smoke funnels and daily use object to pour liquid into narrow-mouth bottle. Hardly a part of orchestra.
Thank you.

Владимир РябовВладимир Рябов    الثلاثاء, 23/04/2019 - 09:04

Thank you! I meant factory funnels. There is a hypothesis that this song is actually about the winter dawn when people wake up and thank God that they hadn't been taken to "marusia" by NKVD guys...

SchnurrbratSchnurrbrat    الأربعاء, 24/04/2019 - 05:51

It might be, but "tubes" in the first stanza are part of the orchestra for sure. Factory funnels - are they audible or just smokey?
clarinet change is not that critical. it just doesn't carry meaning so well in my opinion.
Good luck.

Владимир РябовВладимир Рябов    الأربعاء, 24/04/2019 - 20:35

Originally Okudzhava sang "When you can hear from the suburbs the barely audible voice of ... trumpets? funnels? " They do not produce the sound technically, but as you look at them at winter dawn the impression is it is them that actually sound. Suburbs - it is factories there...

SchnurrbratSchnurrbrat    الأربعاء, 24/04/2019 - 22:27

Вы можете трактовать и переводить на Ваш вкус. Возможно моя трактовка ошибочна.
Я за простые/очевидные переводы/трактовки. Как бы перевел этот абзац иностранец?
я вижу простую последовательность: трубы (музыкальный иструмент) > слова > мелодия = оркестр.