-
Жизнь прошла, и я тебя увидел ← إلى الإنكليزية ترجم
Жизнь прошла, и я тебя увидел
Life has passed, and suddenly I saw you
شكراً! ❤ | ||
thanked 6 times |
Thanks Details:
المستخدم | في وقت مضى |
---|---|
wisigoth | 4 years 3 weeks |
Sophia_ | 4 years 10 أشهر |
ضيف | 4 years 10 أشهر |
Aliis | 4 years 10 أشهر |
Андрей Беляев | 4 years 10 أشهر |
A lot of thanks to Phil Ambro, Blacksea4ever and Igeethecat for patience and corrections!
1. | Жизнь прошла, и я тебя увидел (Zhiznʹ proshla, i ya tebya uvidel) |
2. | У Флориана (U Floriana) |
3. | Любовь к лиловому (Lyubov' k lilovomu) |
(Oh Pinhas. It's so hard to do if you're not fluent. May I suggest you try to make English songs rhyme in Russian? I'm sure you'd be wonderful at that! Anyways, here's my attempt. It's not great, but at least it is understandable. Remember, English needs VERBS!!! LOL Try throwing a few more verbs in when you try these translations. No need for "Eden", it makes no sense. By the way, thanks for writing "flay" the American way! The British write "fileted" or "filleted". And, I thought you learned British English. :) )
Time passed, then suddenly I saw you,
silk scarf wrapped around your head.
Once I was so deadly handsome,
but now it seems I'm just half-dead.
Still you recognized and remembered me.
Sat down on a bench, and let me do the same.
You said not one word about the past,
and though you could have, you didn't blame.
Then you and your scarf disappeared like a thief
somewhere into the subway crowd.
I sat there and thought, feeling such great relief.
Songs will be sung to such forgiveness I vow.
Thank you, Phil! It's interesting interpretation, please public it. I can't agree with your interpretation, but I happy to see your commitment in my beloved Rein.
This poem is paradoxical, native Russian couldn't help to solve this paradox.
I think, he talks about the death, the "freedom" means: now I ready to die. He didn't get an absolution. She refused to him.
He uses word "песенки" - it's about children's song like, I don't know, "I can fly like bird, flutter like butterfly, so I'm free".
It would be great if you show me my grammatical errors.
Phil, you didn't see this: https://lyricstranslate.com/en/lilovui-negr-%D0%BB%D0%B8%D0%BB%D0%BE%D0%...
It'll terrify you!
OK. Here's your version, with just grammar errors correct, and things that no English speaker will understand in (parentheses).
Life has passed, and suddenly I saw you,
(handkerchief from silk is on your head). > "A SILK SCARF {WRAPPED} AROUND YOUR HEAD.
(FormeRly, insatiable destroyer,) > {This sounds like a battleship, not a person.}
NOW I've become somebody half-dead. {You have to move NOW. You can't say "I become now..." You have to say, "Now I've become..."}
(Still you recognized me and remembered.) > {Has to be "Still you recognized and remembered ME."}
(Sat down on a bench in the near lane.) > {Who? You forgot who? "YOU sat down on a bench in the NEXT ROW."}
You said not one word about the (embers), > {"embers" makes no sense, it's "ashes that are still on fire". Makes no sense in English.}
and didn't even mention my {great blame}. > {Maybe you should say "my great FAULTS" ? "blame" sounds weird here. We don't often use "blame" as a noun. We normally use it as a verb. "I blame you!" Rarely would we say - "The blame is yours."
(When the piece of silk got lost like Eden). > OOOF! Does this line make sense in Russian? It makes no sense in English. Sorry. Can't even try to fix it. Maybe - "When the silk scarf disappeared..." But, please leave Eden out of it. If you are trying to talk Biblically, you have to say "the garden of Eden". Otherwise, it just sounds weird.}
(in the underpass in) that afternoon, > {Can I ask you if "underpass" means "subway" in Russian? In the USA, an "underpass" is underneath a freeway. It makes no sense here. Why are they under a freeway? Why are there benches under a freeway? Also, it's just "that afternoon", no "in" before it.
I just thought about the kind of freedom,
people sing of in (the little) tunes. > in "their little tunes" ? or in "quaint little tunes". No "the" there. Replace it with something else. There's normally no "the" before non-specific plural in English, but we have exceptions (of course).
specific plural = I can hear THE (specific) songs they're singing in the church.
nonspecific plural = I listen to (various) songs before I go to bed.
Phil, no over-reaching. We most certainly and not rarely nowadays say: The blame is yours, mr trump
Well I didn't say we NEVER said it. I just said it was more common to say "I blame Trump!" LOL
Thank you, Phil!
It's very compact and poetic text. And I try to keep the rhythm (all stresses) and rhyme. So, the best corrections are following the both.
Pay attention: russian text is with several shortenings.
"я тебя увидел в шелковой косынке". It'll be more correct to say "я тебя увидел, у тебя на голове была надета шелковая косынка"
"Прежде - ненасытный погубитель, а теперь - уже совсем никто." -> "Прежде я был ненасытным погубителем женщин, а теперь я совсем никто"
"Все-таки узнала и признала" -> "Все-таки ты меня узнала и признала"
"сели на бульварную скамью" -> "мы сели на бульварную скамью"
"ничего о прошлом не сказала" -> "ты ничего о прошлом не сказала"
>This sounds like a battleship, not a person
He really was! BlackSea4ever translated as "lady killer"
>NOW I've become somebody half-dead
Ok, I'll try
>embers
My dictionary translates it as "неугасшие чувства". Is it wrong?
>But, please leave Eden out of it.
Milton. Paradise lost. Lost Eden game, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lost_Eden
>In the USA, an "underpass" is underneath a freeway.
Yes, the same is in original poem. "Подземный переход". They told on the bench, then she goes down in the underpass
>that afternoon
"in the afternoon" is ok? I should keep stresses.
> No "the" there. Replace it with something else.
Ok, i'll try
"You never brought up the past." That's great.
>This sounds like a battleship, not a person
He really was! BlackSea4ever translated as "lady killer".
In English, your translation sounds like a battleship. "Lady killer" is a term for a man who can seduce as many women as he wants (never marrying any of those women). "Lady killer" does NOT mean a man who kills ladies. He's not a murderer. If you say "He kills ladies" it sounds like he's a murderer. You have to say "He's a LADY KILLER." BlackSea4ever is right.
>embers
My dictionary translates it as "неугасшие чувства". Is it wrong?
Yes, it's wrong. "Embers" are "ashes that are still burning". You can use it in a sentence as a metaphor, for "undying love" = "the fire of love that does not burn out". However, you have to make it clear. Something like, "Our love is like burning embers." Sorry, just saying "embers" does NOT make it clear.
>But, please leave Eden out of it.
Milton. Paradise lost. Lost Eden game, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lost_Eden
Believe me, I understand "Eden"! I'm just explaining to you that using "Eden" by itself like that sounds very weird.
>that afternoon
"in the afternoon" is ok? I should keep stress
The problem is that you already said "in" before. It's unusual to say "in.... in the afternoon" It sounds weird.
We would say "in....that afternoon". So it doesn't sound repetitious.
Grammatically "blame me an inch" is fine. But, for understanding purposes, it's not good. "You didn't blame me at all." That sounds ok. Sorry.
ПЗ, я имела наглость перевести ваш перевод на русский язык. И вот что получилось :P
Пожалуйста не обижайтесь, но, может, представите себя на месте Фила :D
Life has passed, and suddenly I saw you,
>>>>Жизнь прошла и внезапно я увидел тебя
handkerchief from silk is on your head.
>>>>В носовом платке из шёлка на голове
Formerly insatiable destroyer,
>>>>Бывший ненасытный истребитель
nowadays is somebody half-dead
>>>>В наши дни - он как бы полумёртв
Still you recognized me and remembered
>>>>Всё же ты меня узнала и вспомнила,
Sat down on a bench in the near lane.
>>>>Присела на скамейку в ближней линии.
You said not one word about the embers.
>>>>Ни слова ни сказала о тлеющих углях
and didn't even mention my great blame.
>>>>И даже не упомянула мою огромную вину
When the piece of silk got lost like Eden
>>>>Когда ж кусочек шёлка потерялся, как Едем,
in the underpass in the afternoon,
>>>>В подземном переходе после обеда,
I just thought about the kind of freedom,
>>>> Я просто подумал о том виде свободы,
people sing of in their little tunes.
>>>>О котором люди в песенках поют
Маша, я прекрасно понимаю Фила, он щадит меня и выражается очень точно. Вы не сказали мне ничего нового. Я думаю, как мне это исправить.
Вы ведь девушка прямая, так говорите прямо. Вы хотите сказать, что мне лучше просто не пытаться переводить на английский, который я слишком плохо знаю? Тогда как я научусь?
Или отказаться от попыток рифмовать на английском? Фил мне именно это и советовал.
Я вот тоже об этом подумываю. Но ведь нас никто не торопит, я могу и еще подумать, правда?
Не рифмовать - очень хорошая идея. Филу за его терпение памятник нужно памятник поставить. А у губителя сердец есть и другие синонимы - hearthbreaker, например, не так грозно, как миноносец, но смысл тот же :)
Маша, наша нежная [Тургеневская] девушка с острым чувством юмора, очень смешно перевила, но...
PZ, keep on translating and rhyming at will - criticism is helpful, if brutal. Don't get discouraged - after all, skin gets tougher with years, no? If it wasn't for you, I'd have never heard of Rein...that feels painful.
Да уж кого шкура толстая, так это у PZ 🐗
Better, you help me. could you check this sentence, please? I'm so going to die before translating this long poem. And rhyming isn't even on the schedule...
И слыл душой народных вех.
And as the people's soul he was famed
It's the last sentence in the unfinished Sapphire's palace
Диана, веха - milestone, слыть - to be famous for something
А дальше по тексту
You translated a lot, and there is even more to go. You should’ve done it in pieces as «отрывок из поэмы».
I know, I accidentally published it prematurely, but I work on it daily, ok, nightly.
So does this work: as the people's soul he was famed
Pinhas, I never said to give up on English! I just think that you should make straightforward translations first. Then, try to make a rhyming version. But, to start with a rhyming version, using a rhyming dictionary (especially a British dictionary that has many old words that we no longer use) is bad. The result is a translation that mixes old and modern English, and sounds like a mixture of Shakespeare and a modern rap song. To try to make a rhyming translation (not being a fluent speaker) is like trying to paint a landscape when you're colorblind. It's understandable, but seems a little bit awkward.
Never give up! I never said that. And, I don't give up either. We're both teaching each other, and learning from our mistakes. :)
Thank you Phil! I don't use a rhyming dictionary, just an old vocabulary Abbyy Lingvo and https://context.reverso.net
Никогда не слышал о пользе "брутальной" критики, а равно и об утолщении шкуры с годами. Весь мой опыт говорит об обратном. Но не переживайте, не родился еще человек, который прокусит мою шкуру. Может быть саблезубый тигр, но Маша на него не похожа. Рейн - старший друг и отчасти учитель Бродского, странно о нем не знать. Уфлянд, Бобышев, Коржавин, Кривулин, Кушнер - эти имена знакомы?
В принципе да, могу и убрать свой перевод - есть уже Ваш (где мне, правда, не нравится последняя строка, было бы круто, если бы Вы ее доработали) и уже даже турецкий. А стишков можно и еще накидать. Мои самые любимые Вы еще пока не выложили.
Я сказала, что критика полезна хотя и [изредка] брутальная - я не сказала, что брутальность полезна.
Do NOT delete your work - I periodically go and fix everything I notice I can improve in mine.
Last line could be improved, and if I don't forget, I will try.
No, I haven't heard of any name, but Brodsky. You got to understand that for many years, my primary language was RPG...lol. If I get a vacation, ever, I will read as Rein was wonderful.
Lol, mock me, жестокость.
My son used to say: лошадкис and тапочкис.
Someone decided to simplify color from colour, etc.
Bush introduced the decider...
Trump called origins oranges.
Все безграмотные улучшают язык.
Oh, God. You do know I have a short-term memory issues and now I'll go searching what I said. 👀
Lol, no. RPG is a COBOL like programming language. Can you link me to your favorite Rein poems? And Kushner?
I changed the last line too.
Who is talking RPG or COBOL now days? They are ancient languages ;)
Hey, they are still pushing FoxPro which is older than RPG. Plus, I can't date myself by saying how many years since RPG. Nostalgic for as/400.
And 11% of Americans think that HTML is an STD ;(
Ой, не скажите. Общаюсь как-то с одной «компьютерной профессионалкой», говорю ей «Так ты HTML открой», а она в ответ «А у меня его нету»
На Фортране не пишут, с ним играют (в ладушки)
Не в шкуре, а шубе - your joke scored high, only second to Brat's new year toast.
А вы думаете почему у меня Igee перед cat стоит? В переводе с SQL означает «саблезубый»
Опять не туда постнула эта Reply button. Need to report a : when the comments go to more than one page, Dear LT is confused
Ha! Not saying what was the last year Fortran came up - dinosaur...
Woah! Now hold on there! I still program in BASIC. LOL
Неожиданно! Из Рейна могу сходу предложить "на шестисотом километре", поэму "второе мая", "я жил по этим лагерям". А про Кушнера надо подумать. Но не стоит вырывать отдельные стихи, лучше вчитаться, когда будет время.
Спасибо, в такой редакции мне последняя строка гораздо больше нравится.
Послушал он (Jadis) весь этот базар и решил, что пока не поздно, нужно увековечить шедевр носителем языка, не тем, кто французский учили в ЦПШ (это я про себя)
Pardon my French, but I believe he made the girl the heartbreaker? Lol, or it is my French...
I'm not Phil,but this needs work:
We sat on a bench. You never brought
up the past, but never fade our embers.
-- I liked your quiet lane - why did you take it out? and if you are keen on embers:
The past are the ambers that didn't fade out
Glad you didn't bring up old quarrels or shout
OK, to avoid brutal criticism of this comment, I am going to state that I am NOT addressing the translation aspect, only the English version. :)
Life has passed, and suddenly I saw you {Question: "Is he already dead?" > "Life has passed..." This seems awkward.
Is his simply saying "Time (or "Years") have passed..." or is he going to die soon?
in the silk headscarf around your head1. > I like "silk headscarf", it's much better than "handkerchief" which is something that men blow their noses into. But, because you said "IN" it doesn't go with "AROUND", use one or the other.
"in the silk headscarf ON your head" OR " A silk headscarf around your head"
Formerly AN insatiable seducer, (OK)
nowadays I'm old and all but dead. > (Very nice)
Still you recognized me and remembered. (OK)
We sat on a bench. You never brought up the past, (OK)
But never fade our embers. > (Woah! Nope! English HAS word order, sorry about that. "But our embers never faded.")
You didn't even mention my great fault. (OK, but better "faultS", we all have more than one "fault" LOL)
And when in the metro tunnel's ribbon (NOPE! Bad dictionary! "subway tunnel's (???)" NOT a "ribbon". I have no idea what you mean.)
piece of silk got vanished from the view, (May I suggest "your silk scarf vanished from my view" ?)
I just thought about the kind of freedom, (OK, but "freedom" here sounds weird. Looking at all the comments, I can see that you Russians are having problems deciding on how to translate this word, so I guess the best you can do is "freedom" but it doesn't translate exactly into English.)
people sing of in their little tunes. (OK)
Headscarf on the head - а где он еще может быть (без пошлостей, а то забанят)? Look, handkerchief - это носовой платок, kerchief - платок, косынка, сейчас их только религиозные бабушки носят, а в те времена, похоже, they were in stile
the metro tunnel's ribbon — what is this about? Ленточка метро? You got me here, PZ, сабли не помогут :D
(Wrote it before reading Phil’s reply, sorry. Was in the hurry in case if they will close the comments)
О, да и простите за хамство ☎️
M,
Забанят - это как? Как у той девочки - помоют дождь?
D, you made me laugh :)
It is about how we make English words we don’t know in Russian to make sense in Russian:
Чипсы-дипсы
Забанить
Погуглить
They will eventually make them official Russian words. I was in shock when I was told that there is a legit word ‘драйв’ in Russian, though I couldn’t get the meaning :D
I see you checked my Tous Mourus. Lol. Why does it appeal once you know the meaning - it only was great when I had no clue. Lol
Ок, снимите камень с души. Что «драйв» значит?
So emoji - по-русски пиктограмм (или пиктограмма?)? Очень познавательно, попытаюсь запомнить. 🐯
What does it have to do with you?
It was mostly about the translation and I'd advise against closing comments - don't read them if you aren't interested - we are human not robots and can go off topic.
Report it if you want, I think the moderators will leave it. We are talking about the translation. Ptttt!
[@Kike F.H.] Do you speak Russian or English? Can you even read the comments? Or they just instructed you that all Russian translations comments that go over 2 pages should be shot down?
Pages
- قم بالدخول أو التسجيل لإضافة تعليق