Особый резон (إلى الإنكليزية ترجم)

الإعلانات
إلى الإنكليزية ترجمالإنكليزية (equirhythmic, rhyming, singable)
A A

A Distinct Reason

By glowering twisted lips
Moles having rubbed their eyelids
Now see the plantlet's dissent
Across the short-sighted eyes
No more believing in cries
Moves the conveyor of sand
Until the hand halts its tremble
The knuckles shake at a temple
And calls the angled thick plank
And I am at the peep-hole
Under the thumb of plafond
Either1 it was an egg first
Or it had been a bad curse
My face is turning towards
A nightmare boggled the dream
A newborn mason–I sing
Right in unison with him
The flying wind's rudely scorched
The far rocks' tops it approached
And here it's stroking the lawn
There's a distinct reason shown
Watched by the Special Bureau
That's just what prison is for
There's a distinct reason for
The escort trickled through the flaws
Will seal the windows with straw
Then to the slaughter we'll go
A hero will cross himself 2
The open order will step
Ahead guys, into the breach!
Then will go west the foe troops
Who did not put on high boots
Who did not part with themselves
Who have not yet killed themselves
And to the slaughter they'll go
Watched by the Special Bureau
That's just what prison is for
There's a distinct reason for
 
  • 1. It could be "whether" depending on how one would translate this line which could be translated as a question either in direct or in indirect speech.
  • 2. This means he will make the sign of the cross in front of his chest to invoke divine protection.
تم نشره بواسطة BratBrat في الجمعة, 21/04/2017 - 06:39
تم تعديله آخر مرة بواسطة BratBrat في الأربعاء, 08/05/2019 - 19:00
تعليقات الكاتب:

Having browsed through my old drafts I decided to simplify my translation a little bit, though no great amendments were made.

5
تصنيفك: None Average: 5 (1 vote)

Особый резон

التعليقات
sohowrubuddysohowrubuddy    الأربعاء, 11/10/2017 - 20:19

У меня просто нет слов, отличнейший перевод! Браво!

SchnurrbratSchnurrbrat    الأثنين, 06/05/2019 - 06:36
5

It's might be not perfect, but in this case the task was indeed very difficult. meter preserved without harm to the original lyrics, so thank you. Good job on my favorite Yanka's song.

BratBrat    الأثنين, 06/05/2019 - 17:05

Looks like our uncommon friend has decided to become a tad more common... Teeth smile
Of course, the translation is a bit snippety, but such is the original itself. I'll add some footnotes and also try to tweak some phrases so that they would sound more natural.

SchnurrbratSchnurrbrat    الأثنين, 06/05/2019 - 17:17

I finally decided to read your translation after giving up to produce my own. Sadly, we can't preserve rhyme mason-unison in the same meter, if i would do it, i would change meter, and it would be a bad idea for this song. Really good job, although some lines still need some work, hopefully you will polish it in years to come (if you will make a hard copy first lol). I heard Yanka's lyrics belong to some European company now, is it true? and thanks for the link with cover versions - i was listening for the last few days, bad sound mostly, I liked only this deux or what his name guy and Zhanka. (zhanna).

BratBrat    الأثنين, 06/05/2019 - 18:49
Schnurrbrat wrote:

I heard Yanka's lyrics belong to some European company now, is it true?

Имущественные авторские права на все произведения Янки в настоящее время принадлежат её подруге Анне Волковой. https://ru.wikipedia.org/wiki/%D0%94%D1%8F%D0%B3%D0%B8%D0%BB%D0%B5%D0%B2...
Ну разве что Нюрыч теперь является европейской компанией, но это навряд ли...

SchnurrbratSchnurrbrat    الأثنين, 06/05/2019 - 18:51

Just take one more look on the video to this song on youtube, it's mentioning Manchester Files.

BratBrat    الأثنين, 06/05/2019 - 19:06

There are several videos on YouTube, which one do you mean?

BratBrat    الأثنين, 06/05/2019 - 19:20

Продано -> album name (Manchester Files)->publisher's name 1996 год-> year of publishing
I don't see any (C)opyright for lyrics. Wink smile

SchnurrbratSchnurrbrat    الأثنين, 06/05/2019 - 19:23

me dumb. it's an album name. facepalm. It was after midnight when i've read this. Sad smile

SchnurrbratSchnurrbrat    الأثنين, 06/05/2019 - 20:48

да он у меня был на кассете.

IgeethecatIgeethecat    الأثنين, 06/05/2019 - 17:12

42 останется 42, нас шнурками для bro не запугать Teeth smile

SchnurrbratSchnurrbrat    الأثنين, 06/05/2019 - 19:35

Обзаводитесь. У нее годовщина не за горами Sad smile

Phil AmbroPhil Ambro    الأثنين, 06/05/2019 - 20:23

I'm assuming you're trying to do a rhyming translation, so just a few suggestions to help keep the cadence and rhyme:

By the MALIGNED twisted lips
MOLES WHO RUB their (BLIND) EYES' lids. (You have to add "eye" to lid, otherwise it's a lid of a jar or something).
(What is a "plantlet"?)
("Misstep" is generally used when your feet make a mistake and you trip. "Mistake" is better here.)
Creeps the DUNE ACROSS THE sand
Until remembers the hand >> (Makes no sense.)
And summons the BEVELLED plank
(What is a "plafond"?)
Either it was THE egg first
Or HAD IT been a bad curse?
A nightmare boggled IN the dream
A newborn mason, so (????), >>> ("prim" is wrong. It means nothing. "prim and proper" is the only way we use this word now.)
A VIOLENT WIND rudely scorched
And here it's HITTING the lawn
THE CONTROL OF THE Special Bureau
That's what the Supermax IS for
The escort trickled through the flaws >>> (Makes no sense)
WE'LL seal the windows WITH straw
The hero will FOOL himself >>> (I assume you mean "to double cross". It's not possible "to cross" yourself. That means "to meet".)
The open order will step AHEAD
guys, into the breach!
GOING west, the FOE'S troops
Who DIDN'T put on THEIR high boots
Who did not part with themselves >>> (Makes no sense. You cannot "leave yourself". It's impossible.)
Controlled by THE Special Bureau

Pinhas ZelenogorskyPinhas Zelenogorsky    الأربعاء, 08/05/2019 - 18:49

Фил пришел наводить ужас на всю округу!

SchnurrbratSchnurrbrat    الأثنين, 06/05/2019 - 20:44

There is conveyor, not the dune creeping and "volant" is a good find imho, since in the source the wind is "winged", like a bird, not that it is violent. It's Brat's translation, not mine, but I would use The Special maybe as [The] Special. Three Ps: plantlet (offshoot) plafond and prim look legit to me. Surely you can find the use of "prim" separately of proper.
I personally didn't like the supermax lines, their ending on "for" twice and hiccuped on few other occasions while reading.

Phil AmbroPhil Ambro    الأثنين, 06/05/2019 - 20:58

Well, if it's a "conveyor" it makes even less sense. Conveyors transport things but they don't move. So a conveyor cannot "creep".
As for all of these special words that Russians find somewhere (perhaps in one of Shakespeare's plays), I can only say that perhaps these are real English words. However, IMHO the purpose of a translation is to be understood. "Finding" obscure, obsolete words in some dusty dictionary doesn't aid in understanding at all, especially if it's a British dictionary, which they NEVER revise and/or mark words as "no longer used", like American dictionaries do. British dictionaries just keep adding words, never eliminate any, even though the language changed.

You can still find British verb dictionaries that will tell you to conjugate " I & we" with "should" and "shall" rather than "would" and "will", even though this has gone obsolete more than 100 years ago.

Not meaning to harp on this, but these words (even if they once existed) are so uncommon today that I doubt than 90+% of people in the USA would have any idea as to what they mean. The word VOLANT, for example, must come from French ("to fly"). But, it's still uncommon. Perhaps the British will know what it means, after all they are close to France. However, we Americans are sooooo far away from Europe that some of these British foreign adoptions into their version of English have never crossed the Atlantic ocean and made it to us.

SchnurrbratSchnurrbrat    الأثنين, 06/05/2019 - 21:14

Phil, I understand your point, but if lyrics have "conveyor" in the line we cant translate it other than "conveyor". You likely will say "conveyor's belt" then, but people will show up to say "there aren't no belt in the source; way too poetic". And you right about volant, but its use imho is mostly relative to the live creatures, so that is why i think it was a good find in this context.

Phil AmbroPhil Ambro    الأثنين, 06/05/2019 - 21:29

OK. I understand. So if the translator wishes to use "conveyor" he must identify "what" the conveyor is moving. Many times Russians instinctively understand the object in the sentence, although it is not said. Unless it is universally understood, Russians MUST identify the object to foreigners (whose culture may not understand the missing object). In this case to say.
"The conveyor creeps across the sand" makes no sense.
Perhaps the Russian missing object is some people?!
Then it should be "The conveyor creeps (the people) across the sand."
However Brat wishes to correct this is his decision, but this line NEEDS correcting!

As for VOLANT, I would like to point out that up to this point there is NO reference to birds or wings or anything like that, so it's a huge leap to expect that English speakers are going to understand this obscure term. I agree that you can use exotic terms, once a theme is set.

Ex: I fly as if on wings of the phoenix, volant to netherworlds unknown.

I just made that up. But, the reader would obviously understand the obscure term within the context of the rest of the sentence. To talk about enemies and foes and the Secret Service, then to reference a French term for "flight" does not make for clear understanding.

Phil AmbroPhil Ambro    الأثنين, 06/05/2019 - 21:04

As for "prim". He's a prim and proper gentleman. This is the ONLY way I have EVER heard it used. I myself, would NEVER use the word PRIM. Quite frankly, when someone says "prim and proper" is really just means "proper" and the word "prim" has no additional meaning, other than to add stress. It's redundant. It's like saying "I'm angry and mad." But, unlike "prim", both "angry" and "mad" are still in wide use today.

BratBrat    الأربعاء, 08/05/2019 - 18:37

Well, it took me a while to find the very first draft but that was worth it.
I made up a much more simplified version having got rid of some literal meanings and complicated tropes.
I don't dare proceed with further simplification, though...

SchnurrbratSchnurrbrat    الأربعاء, 08/05/2019 - 18:41

Why not to post both versions, and let users decide which is the best. I liked the 1st one, though.

BratBrat    الأربعاء, 08/05/2019 - 18:45

Well, I don't know how this corresponds to the site rules... I'd browse the code to find this out and then maybe...

SchnurrbratSchnurrbrat    الأربعاء, 08/05/2019 - 18:49

They are very different, so why not. No harm done.