Malen'kaya devochka so vzglyadom volchitsy (Маленькая девочка со взглядом волчицы) (превод на Английски)

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Поискал/а предложения за корекция

Malen'kaya devochka so vzglyadom volchitsy (Маленькая девочка со взглядом волчицы)

Маленькая девочка со взглядом волчицы...
Я тоже когда-то был самоубийцей
Я тоже лежал в окровавленной ванне
И молча вкушал дым марихуаны
 
Ты видишь, как мирно пасутся коровы.
И как лучезарны янтарные горы.
Мы вырвем столбы, мы отменим границы,
О маленькая девочка со взглядом волчицы.
 
Спи сладким сном, не помни о прошлом.
Дом, где жила ты, пуст и заброшен.
И мхом обросли плиты гробницы
Маленькой девочки со взглядом волчицы
 
Последно редактирано от SarasvatiSarasvati на Пет, 03/05/2019 - 20:32
превод на Английски (metered, rhyming)
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The little girl with that gaze of a she-wolf

Версии: #1#2
Oh, my little girl with that gaze of a she-wolf,
I also committed a suicide just like you would,
I also once lay inside the blood-covered bath,
In silence inhaled the fumes of the hash.
 
You see how peaceful are cows on the pasture,
How radiant is the light that amber hills capture.
We'll pull out pillars, will remove borders for good.
Oh, my little girl with that gaze of a she-wolf…
 
Sweet dreams I wish for you, don’t dwell on the past.
House where you've lived is abandoned and trashed.
And moss have covered the slabs of tomb's roof,
Of little girl with that gaze of a she-wolf.
 
© Schnurrbrat
Critique is always welcomed (proof-read or not, negative too).
Пуснато от SchnurrbratSchnurrbrat в Четв, 18/04/2019 - 00:26
Последно редактирано от SchnurrbratSchnurrbrat на Пет, 03/05/2019 - 18:54
Авторът на този превод е поискал "Предложения за корекция".
Това означава, че той/тя ще се радва да получи корекции, предложения и т.н. относно превода.
Ако владееш и двата езика от езиковата двойка, моля, остави своите коментари.
Коментари
SchnurrbratSchnurrbrat    Четв, 18/04/2019 - 01:59

I knew it would be first thing to be red-flagged. i had no time to check if such inverse structures occur, but was tempted to use one.
Simple lyrics and frankly very little effort on my side. Signature songs deserve better obviously.
I will try to make it metered, but it will require to rewrite every single line. So far I believe i've settled on main rhyme structure.

IgeethecatIgeethecat    Пет, 19/04/2019 - 04:45

And moss have covered the slabs of tomb's roof, —> I have a hard time imagining a roof on top of the tomb, I am sorry Whatchutalkingabout smile And where this roof is coming from? There are plain tombstones in the original 🤔
Maybe something simple, like:
And mosses had grown on the tombstones of
Little girl with that gaze of a she-wolf.

House where you've lived is abandoned and trashed. —> T’house you lived in is empty and trashed (just a wild suggestion) Regular smile

SchnurrbratSchnurrbrat    Пет, 19/04/2019 - 05:16

Thanks, Masha.
It's hard to jump back from The Beatles lyrics to this gloomy scene.
It seems we have completely different understanding of this line in the source.
Foso i could imagine roof of the tomb (vault, crypt, etc). In my understanding original refers to such structure(!) /building, not a burial in the ground.
and i thought moss(es) is same as fishes - plural only when regarding different species.
Re: house. I wasn't strict with syllable count and such. I like the "abandoned", it pairs well with "trashed"., but i will consider your sentence structure. Will count stresses / syllables with coffee.
Thanks again, such critique gives boost to to start thinking anew.

BratBrat    Пет, 19/04/2019 - 15:23
Igeethecat escreveu:

And moss have covered the slabs of tomb's roof, —> I have a hard time imagining a roof on top of the tomb, I am sorry Whatchutalkingabout smile And where this roof is coming from? There are plain tombstones in the original 🤔

Or it could be a mound there instead of roof.

SchnurrbratSchnurrbrat    Пет, 19/04/2019 - 16:08
Brat escreveu:

Or it could be a mound there instead of roof.

Can't do, Brat. I already have used "graveyard mounds" in the translation of Reanimator's Car.
I have to show off my bone factory vocabulary. =)