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Bitter mist

She doesn't sing and doesn't drink wine
The war is chasing us like a dog on a trail
She is ill.
A huge sphere was cooling down
In fine fingers
In heavenly dance of star couples
 
Constellations are in wrong places
People and trains goings off the rails
He is too old.
On kissed lips
and in young gardens of spring
There are wreaths and crosses
 
She turned to the wall and fell asleep
He is silently drinking vodka in the kitchen.
Bitter dreams. Bitter mist.
A broken boat, an empty pier,
A mermaid is singing her grief
Self-repeat
Self-deception.
 
An angel cannot have a tail
And a horse will never love a whistling whip
Bridges have to burn
Traces of hungry riders.
fruits are rotting, and lilac smoke
is burning our eyes.
 
An ancient sign is etched on a rusty key.
Your treasury is in the same place as your heart
The one, who knew, really knew.
The fire went out, the shelter keep silent,
And only angels are singing
For the last time.
 
She turned to the wall and fall asleep
He is silently drinking vodka in the kitchen.
Bitter dreams.
A broken boat, an empty pier,
A mermaid is singing her grief
Self-repeat
Self-deception.
 
Self-repeat
Self-deception.
 
Bitter dreams.
Better mist.
 
Оригинален текст

Горький туман

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Коментари
St. SolSt. Sol    вторник, 20/08/2019 - 12:38

This translation doesn't claim to be metered, rhythmic, or equirhythmic. What is the point of your nit-picking?

silencedsilenced    събота, 30/05/2020 - 02:42

chasing us like a dog on a trail -> the Russian doesn't say, but I imagine it's rather about "her" than "us"?
Maybe "war is trailing her like a dog" ?

Огромный наш шар -> is that a periphrasis for Earth? "our huge globe" or something?
star pairs -> "star couples" maybe? I suppose it refers to this unhappy love story?

goings -> typo

зацелованных устах -> I wonder if using "tongue" instead of "lips" is usual? That seems a bit crude, or is it just me?

Не может у ангела быть хвоста -> If it's about the sex of angels, I suppose a more explicit term than "tail" would be better.

Your treasury is in the same place as your heart -> "riches are where the heart is" (like "home is where the heart is") ?

Кто знал - тот знал -> Erf... I have no idea what that means.
Does that refer to the saying above, like "there's nothing more to know" or something?

keep silent -> keeps

Sophia_Sophia_
   петък, 29/05/2020 - 13:53
silenced schrieb:

Огромный наш шар -> is that a periphrasis for Earth? "our huge globe" or something?
star pairs -> "star couples" maybe? I suppose it refers to this unhappy love story?

Там не было *наш* !
Просто "огромный шар"

silencedsilenced    петък, 29/05/2020 - 13:59

Oops sorry, I could have sworn I saw this "наш".
Still I don't get the metaphor.
Stars and globe might be about Earth in the cosmos, but what about the beautiful hands?

Sophia_Sophia_
   петък, 29/05/2020 - 16:03

Это всё злые происки врагов ;)
Я готова поклясться, что публиковала без "наш", а сегодня оно мелькнуло ...

Марти НиМарти Ни    неделя, 19/07/2020 - 16:57

Это автомат Яндекс или Гугл корректирует, как у него заложено в словаре..
У меня меняет "за," на "сейчас"
Только глаз, да глаз за ним.

Sophia_Sophia_
   петък, 29/05/2020 - 16:30
silenced schrieb:

зацелованных устах -> I wonder if using "tongue" instead of "lips" is usual? That seems a bit crude, or is it just me?

Не может у ангела быть хвоста -> If it's about the sex of angels, I suppose a more explicit term than "tail" would be better.

1. не поняла?
2. Нет, я думаю, тут именно про хвост

St. SolSt. Sol    петък, 29/05/2020 - 16:49

Не может у ангела быть хвоста == Someone, who is an angel, can't have a tail (like the devil has).

silencedsilenced    петък, 29/05/2020 - 17:00

Oh right, makes sense. Thanks

silencedsilenced    петък, 29/05/2020 - 16:34

1; My bad, I just made a mess of a misunderstood dictionary entry :)

2. Ok but then why would angels want to grow a tail? Is that a saying or something?

silencedsilenced    събота, 30/05/2020 - 02:12

Mmm... what do you make of St Sol's suggestion? Seems sound enough to me.
I just looked at the French version, and it read "angels don't have a dick" (a common meaning of "tail" in French), so I wondered if the same ambiguity could exist in Russian.

IremiaIremia
   събота, 30/05/2020 - 02:11

No, it’s definitely not about a dick. In Russian tail doesn’t mean that at all. I am with St.Sol on that - devil has a tail, an angel doesn’t.

silencedsilenced    събота, 30/05/2020 - 02:16

Right. So you could as well say "angels can't have horns", or anything that identifies the devil?
I'm thinking of a way to suggest a change in French to avoid this embarrassing ambiguity :)

IremiaIremia
   събота, 30/05/2020 - 02:23

Yep (regarding horns)
😄😁😄 (regarding ambiguity)

Марти НиМарти Ни    неделя, 19/07/2020 - 17:21

Синенькая водочка. Денатурат
​​​​​

У него в глазах - лиловый туман.
От чистого спирта глюков не будет
Он пьет левую водку. - Денатурат, разведённых пополам.
Поэтому ему апокалипс мерещится. 
Травится мужик на кухне дешевой подделкой.
Перевод, в целом,  правильно передаёт смысл песни.
Спасибо.

IgeethecatIgeethecat    неделя, 19/07/2020 - 17:45

А где вы лиловый туман увидели?

Соф, классный перевод 👍😻
Я тут случайно за ветку зацепилась, с небольшим опозданием 🤣

Sophia_Sophia_
   петък, 01/10/2021 - 16:03

Маша, спасибо на добром слове.
Мне с этим переводом Гэвин помог.

IgeethecatIgeethecat    неделя, 19/07/2020 - 18:13

Привет Гэвину и остальным помощникам👍 Главное - результат 😍😊

Марти НиМарти Ни    неделя, 19/07/2020 - 19:10

Горький туман -
Лиловый дым
Игра слов:
лиловый туман

IgeethecatIgeethecat    неделя, 19/07/2020 - 19:16

Ну, славо Богу, не сиреневый туман 😂
И не синий синий иней

Марти НиМарти Ни    неделя, 19/07/2020 - 19:31

: «Не произноси имени Господа, Бога твоего, напрасно, ибо Господь не оставит без наказания того, кто произносит имя Его напрасно» (Исх. 20:7)
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