Hello!
I like your translation (especially how you used "less på dig" instead of "trött på dig", since it's stronger), but I have a few suggestions:
1st & 6th stanzas, 3rd line: I would say "Så jag drar iväg". (In the context of splitting up, your translation makes sense though. Hmm...)
3rd stanza, 3rd line: "Dra" sounds a bit weird when it's such a short distance (and, to some part, to a known destination), so I would say "Säger att du måste gå"
3rd stanza, 4th line: The expression is "(Bort) och lägga på luren" (in fact, it's probably better if you drop the "Bort", since it flows better without it, plus "gå bort" is a euphemism for dying...)
4th stanza, 2nd line: I might be nitpicking, but in "Du får aldrig mer /se på mig när jag ler" the "på" makes it sound like she(?) is forbidden to intentionally look at him(?), when it's really the circumstances that make it impossible, so "Se mig när jag ler" or even "Se mig le" would be better.
5th stanza, 2nd line: The first two lines are parts of the same sentence, so it has to be "När jag knackar på / Finns det inget svar att få", or the word order gets weird.
Once again, good job! :)
Förslag och korrigeringar är alltid välkomna.