Остров Путятин (Ostrov Putyatin) (ইংরেজী অনুবাদ)

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Остров Путятин (Ostrov Putyatin)

Снова плывут на закате
Мимо него корабли,
Маленький остров Путятин
Возле великой земли.
Плаваем мы не от скуки,
Ищем не просто тревог,
Штопаем раны разлуки
Серою ниткой дорог.
 
Нам это все не впервые -
Письма с востока писать.
Тучи плывут грозовые
По часовым поясам.
Свистнут морские пассаты
По городским площадям,
В старых домах адресаты
Почту опять поглядят.
 
Все мы, конечно, вернемся -
Въедут в закат поезда,
Девушкам мы поклянемся
Не уезжать никогда.
Только с какой это стати
Сняться нам все корабли?
Маленький остров Путятин,
Возле великой земли.
 
SchnurrbratSchnurrbrat দ্বারা রবি, 09/06/2019 - 02:46 তারিখ সাবমিটার করা হয়
SchnurrbratSchnurrbrat সর্বশেষ সম্পাদনা করেছেন বৃহস্পতি, 10/10/2019 - 02:06
সাবমিটার এর মন্তব্য:

1963.

ইংরেজী অনুবাদইংরেজী (equirhythmic)
Align paragraphs
A A

Putyatin Island

Passing the coast on a sunset,
Ships will not stop once again.
Small is the isle called Putyátin1,
Next to the glorious land.
We will set sail from the harbor
Not for the risk or pursuit,
Mending the wounds of departures
With the grey thread of our route.
 
Hardly a first time for writing,
Letters we send from the East.
Storm clouds bring thunder and lightning,
Over the time zones they reach.
Shortly the trade winds will whistle,
Sweeping the plazas and streets.
Folks in the buildings will listen,
Mail would be checked ever since.
 
Sure, we all plan on returning;
Sunshine will light every train;
We all will swear to our darlings
Never to leave them again.
Why are we dreaming of ships then?
Something I can’t understand.
Small is the isle called Putyátin,
Next to the glorious land.
 
© Schnurrbrat
Critique is always welcomed (proof-read or not, negative too).
SchnurrbratSchnurrbrat দ্বারা শুক্র, 11/10/2019 - 01:58 তারিখ সাবমিটার করা হয়
SchnurrbratSchnurrbrat সর্বশেষ সম্পাদনা করেছেন রবি, 13/10/2019 - 04:39
লেখকের মন্তব্য:

Original meter is following:
^==^==^=
^==^==^

5
Your rating: None Average: 5 (1 vote)
"Остров Путятин ..." এর আরও অনুবাদ
ইংরেজী ESchnurrbrat
5
মন্তব্যসমূহ
silencedsilenced    শুক্র, 11/10/2019 - 07:24

Since Deanna didn't want my whip, it's all yours Regular smile
Seriously, what's wrong? I could fire a few DCA shells in the general direction of your English, but all in all that sounds good to me.

Vera JahnkeVera Jahnke    শুক্র, 11/10/2019 - 10:08
5

A beautiful translation!
And the line "Small is the isle called Putyátin" is perfect and poetic. Thank you!

SchnurrbratSchnurrbrat    শুক্র, 11/10/2019 - 16:20

[ @BlackSea4ever ]
I understand that your (and others) concern is a diligent translation of the original, but to me, the text to the right doesn't sound as a single piece, while Vizbor's poem is quite lyrical. I think my version consists of detached lines stuck together with occasional strong rhymes here and there.

[ @silenced ] please do open fire, grammar is my #1 concern in translations. I was struggling with this one for about a month due to dactyl meter, which I pretty much hate now. I claimed many times that Vizbor's lyrics are easiest to translate in the original meter, but now I'm stuck with few of his songs in the above-mentioned meter. I did few of those and everytime it feels like a torture, rather than the usual pleasant work on rhymes, etc. And I usually had to re-write my dactyl attempts many times. So please, don't hesitate to pick on my lines, I'm intended to improve/correct this one.

[ @Vera Jahnke ] Thank you, Vera! You're most generous.
I hope you liked this lit'l song. Maybe you will decide to visit this island one day Wink smile
Regarding the line I've mentioned. There is an inverted word order, which I think is a stretch. But when we use "There is the isle... ", it becomes grammatically legit inversion. I used "small" since it is important part of the lyrics though. Gosh, I'm so glad I finally published this one.

Pinchus ZelenogorskyPinchus Zelenogorsky    শুক্র, 11/10/2019 - 16:33

Может быть дактиль не очень английскому подходит? Много ли классических стихов на дактиле? Мне тоже нравится результат Ваших мучений. Поздравляю с разрешением!

SchnurrbratSchnurrbrat    শুক্র, 11/10/2019 - 16:39

Было бы неплохо его через строчку использовать, но если все строки подряд - куда артикли девать? Нельзя все время местоимения использовать и/или обратный порядок слов в предложении. Мучение одно, по-крайней мере для моего уровня англ. Я сравнительно недавно открывал тему на англ форуме, мне "подарили" несколько классических примеров из англ поэзии.
The Charge of the Light Brigade наверно самый интересный/классический.

silencedsilenced    রবি, 13/10/2019 - 02:01

Right, here we go:

Passing the isle -> maybe "coasting the shore" would be an alternative to repeating "isle" in line 3?

Small is the isle called Putyátin -> sounds like quite legit poetic English

We will set sail from the harbor
Not for the risk or pursuit,
Mending the wounds of departures
With a grey thread of our route. -> this part has a few issues, I think.
If I got it right:
we will not sail out of boredom
nor to seek thrills/excitement,
but to stitch the wounds of absence/separation
with the grey thread of our route

So I think the "not / nor / but" articulations should appear more clearly. The current formulation is confusing. Maybe drop "from the harbour" and use the gained space to make the rest more explicit?

a grey thread of our route -> the grey thread.
"a" would be like a thread among many (pulled from a piece of cloth or something).

Hardly a first time for writing -> I might be wrong, but to me that means something like "this first time is definitely not the most appropriate for writing"
"it's hardly the first time we write letters from the East" would be closer to the Russian, I think.

Mail would be checked ever since -> mmm... too many fillers here, they end up garbling the meaning.
That would mean some specific event caused people to check mail diligently up until now.

will lit every train -> light ("lit" is the participle)

SchnurrbratSchnurrbrat    রবি, 13/10/2019 - 02:52

Thank you, great proof-reading.
(It seems that I've got 10 for [̲̅$̲̅(̲̅5̲̅)̲̅$̲̅] there Wink smile

Passing the isle -> I will think about it. Thx.
Small is the isle called Putyátin -> sounds like quite legit poetic English. Thx. it is yogaspeak though, that's why I suggesting "There is the isle...
With a grey thread of our route. -> this part has a few issues, I think.
>>Basically I'm using a negative just once, rather than this double structure "not-nor". It is a bit tricky to do there. Besides my feeble attempt on rhyming {Deanna (c)}, I was trying to use common English phrases there, so I kind of like this line with a harbor. But I could look into it one more time (next week most likely)
Hardly a first time for writing -> I might be wrong, but to me that means something like "this first time is definitely not the most appropriate for writing"
>>hmm. I don't see it the way you read it, but it is not the best line for sure.
Mail would be checked ever since -> mmm... too many fillers here, they end up garbling the meaning.
That would mean some specific event caused people to check mail diligently up until now.
>> hmm. I don't see my line this way though. imho, mail would be checked once the winds will sweep the streets, signalling their departure.
"Mail would be checked" is literal translation, "since" is my rhyming attempt.
Mail would be checked by them since? but this line is even more yogaspeak now.
Thanks for noting my orthographic errrrs, I should pay attention to this "lit"; it is almost as good as "lie/lay/etc"
:{

silencedsilenced    রবি, 13/10/2019 - 03:13

Just about this mail checking:
The Russian says "Почту опять поглядят" so I would say that would be "(people) will (start) check(ing) their mail again", or better "will resume checking their mail" (i.e. after reading the letters, they'll resume waiting for more news, right?)
So where does the "ever since" come from?

SchnurrbratSchnurrbrat    রবি, 13/10/2019 - 04:31

I have too much yoga in my life apparently. Regular smile
It is not the 1st time i did this typo. and not the last. ᕙ(⇀‸↼‶)ᕗ
"Since" is for rhyming purposes only. But it could be changed, although I can't use "yet again", since there is "train/again" somewhere.
EDIT: the meaning of this line with mail to me is following: they (folks or beloved ones) will re-check their mail, likely more often then usual, since they miss those who departed.

BlackSea4everBlackSea4ever    রবি, 13/10/2019 - 03:36

See what kind of torment is given to perfectionists by perfectionists? I have faith you'll hang in there.