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Jokes/Aνέκδοτα

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Keep To Yourself
<a href="/bn/translator/makis17" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1208934">makis17</a>
যোগদান: 31.05.2014

Το "δικό μου ανέκδοτο" άλλη στιγμή, καλημέρες!

Super Member
<a href="/bn/translator/saintmark" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1276610">SaintMark</a>
যোগদান: 06.02.2016

Moyshe has escaped Nazi Germany and walks through New York, looking around. No signs everywhere that read 'Arians only' or 'Entrance only for jews'. Happy he steps into a grocery store: Erev tov, I'd like to buy two pounds of oranges.' Whereupon the salesclerk enquires: For Juice?

Hitler visits a mental ward. all inmates are lined up, as he inspects each of them. All raise their hand and yell 'Heil Hitler' as he passes. The last man stands still, not moving a finger. Hitler: Why don't you give the salute'. Man: I'm the warden, I'm not insane.

Erdogan inspects rows of captive Kurds. Suddenly one sneezes. Erdo: who was that ? No answer. Erdogan: Shoot everyone in the first row. After a while another sneeze is heard. Erdogan: Who was that ? NO answer. Erdogan has the second row killed too. After 3 minutes another Kurd sneezes. Nobody admits it, so the third row of Kurds are mowed down. Finally a small boy raises the hand, apologizing 'sorry, It was me'.. Erdo replies: Saglik! (bless 'ya!)

Donald Trump, Emanuel Macron and Angela Merkel at a North Sea resort:
Trump: we have a sub that can stay underwater for 200 days without surfacing.
Macron: that's nothing, our sub can stay underwater for well over 300 days.
Merkel, with a bashful smile, looks to the ground. Suddenly a German U-boat surfaces, the hatch opens, and a Man in uniform climbs out: "Heil Hitler, we've run out of Diesel!"

Who is the worst golfer of all time ? Adolf Hitler. He never made it out the bunker.

Why did Adolf Hitler kill himself ? the jews sent him the gas bill.

Goebbels comes running into Hitler's office. Mein Fuhrer, we must surrender, it is all over, they broke into the ministry of Propaganda last night and looted my entire office. Adolf: So what's the problem? Goebbels: They stole the election results for the next 10 years.

A German villager goes to a farmer to buy a pig. Villager: is it an Arian pig ? farmer: how do I know if it's an arian pig ? Villager: it neeeds to have bristles like Hitler, a mouth like Goebbels and a gut like Goering.

Erdogan goes into a kurdish enclave, to find out what the people think of him. he dons a wig, puts on a fake beard and asks a man on the street 'what do you think about Erdogan". Shhh, We can't talk here, come with me... He leads Erdogan into a side alley, they enter a hotel, walk up two stairs, enter a small room, he locks the door, checks the wardrobe, covers the telephone with a pillow. slowly he approaches Erdo, whispering into his ear: " I really sympathize with Erdogan"...

Christmas 1943 was awesome in germany. The tommies put up the christmas trees, the flak provided the ornaments, Goebbels was telling fairy tales and the germans waited for good things from on high...

who's the greatest electrician: Adolf Hitler. he phased 80mio germans in line, achieved strength through joy, isolated germany, flipped off moscow, flipped on italy, and grounded Rohm.

Who was the greatest farmer in history ? Adolf Hitler. he had 65mio pigs and the largest pigsty.

Two men in the third Reich greet each other. How are you ? Well, like a jewish lawyer ? Why is that ? Well, I can't file a complaint.

Super Member
<a href="/bn/translator/saintmark" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1276610">SaintMark</a>
যোগদান: 06.02.2016

Putin asks Ramzan Kadyrov: Why did you cry when the Aeroflot arliner crashed ? Kadyrov: cause there were 100 Russians on board.
Putin: But wasn't that good for you tho ? Kadyrov: Yes but it could have seated at least 300.
----------------------------------------
What car did Adolf Hitler ride ? An Opel KZ with double carburator (Vergaser), family-size ashtray, swastica stick-shift. The radio was to the right. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j9CWSchexeY&list=PLuZuPRDX8qHb2anZGFb1f6...
---------------------------------------

Keep To Yourself
<a href="/bn/translator/makis17" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1208934">makis17</a>
যোগদান: 31.05.2014

Υπάρχει και η άλλη άποψη: το πλοίο βουλιάζει, ας το εγκαταλείψουμε. Wink smile

Super Member
<a href="/bn/translator/blacksea4ever" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1390089">BlackSea4ever</a>
যোগদান: 19.07.2018

Odessa. Family is fishing from the pier.
- grandpa, why is your bobber lying down while dad's is standing up?
- grandma: when your grandfather' stood up, what wouldn't he catch

Super Member
<a href="/bn/translator/blacksea4ever" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1390089">BlackSea4ever</a>
যোগদান: 19.07.2018

Mother-in-law: After death, I want to be cremated and the ashes scattered from a balcony into the sea.
Son-in-law: Mom, why do you say such a thing ?!
From the sea, there is such a wind, a minute will not pass as you will be home again.

Super Member
<a href="/bn/translator/jadis" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1387945">Jadis</a>
যোগদান: 01.07.2018

The European hunter in Africa :
- Tell me, Mamadou, what's that game I just hit ?
- Dunno, boss, he says he's called Perkins.

The same hunter came in front of a lion. In panic, he fell on his knees and exclaimed :
- For God's sake, please behave in a Christian manner !
So the lion joined his paws, looked up at the sky, and said :
- Oh Lord, please bless the meal I'm going to have.

Ἐλέῳ Θεοῦ Βασιλεὺς Ῥωμανίας
<a href="/bn/translator/padim7gr" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1391611">padim7gr</a>
যোগদান: 01.08.2018

True story

My brother lives in R. Croatia and we were out with a Croat friend of his. Our conversation reached the point where we were discussing about soft drinks and my brother remembered the regionally famous "Cockta", but he didn't pronounce it as "kokta", but rather... in Croatian (as "tsotskta") and the poor girl burst into laughter Teeth smile

Super Member
<a href="/bn/translator/evipar" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1356668">Evi_Par</a>
যোগদান: 03.10.2017

Είναι κανείς εδώ?? Regular smile

Super Member
<a href="/bn/translator/evipar" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1356668">Evi_Par</a>
যোগদান: 03.10.2017

Καλησπέρες σε όσους είναι παρόντες !

Ἐλέῳ Θεοῦ Βασιλεὺς Ῥωμανίας
<a href="/bn/translator/padim7gr" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1391611">padim7gr</a>
যোগদান: 01.08.2018

Buona serata! Regular smile

Keep To Yourself
<a href="/bn/translator/makis17" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1208934">makis17</a>
যোগদান: 31.05.2014
The Bride ha scritto:

Βλακειες...

Ποιό;
Αυτό που έγραψα;

Ἐλέῳ Θεοῦ Βασιλεὺς Ῥωμανίας
<a href="/bn/translator/padim7gr" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1391611">padim7gr</a>
যোগদান: 01.08.2018

Chillax...

Keep To Yourself
<a href="/bn/translator/makis17" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1208934">makis17</a>
যোগদান: 31.05.2014

Αυτό που είπα για το google+;
Γιατί δεν έκανες παράθεση να είναι αντιληπτό;
Και γιατί κάνεις like αφού διαφωνείς;

Super Member
<a href="/bn/translator/evipar" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1356668">Evi_Par</a>
যোগদান: 03.10.2017

χιλια συγγνωμη δεν το ειδα καν.... Sad smile

Keep To Yourself
<a href="/bn/translator/makis17" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1208934">makis17</a>
যোগদান: 31.05.2014
The Bride wrote:

Ετσι. Give rose

Καλά Mary M.

Keep To Yourself
<a href="/bn/translator/makis17" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1208934">makis17</a>
যোগদান: 31.05.2014

Μια γυναίκα βρίσκει ένα λυχνάρι, στο οποίο φυσικά υπήρχε το γνωστό τζίνι. Της είπε λοιπόν, ότι μπορεί να κάνει τρεις ευχές, τις οποίες θα πραγματοποιούσε αμέσως. Από αυτά που θα ευχόταν όμως, το τζίνι θα έδινε στον σύζυγό της τα δεκαπλάσια. Πρώτη ευχή της γυναίκας, να γίνει κούκλα, πανέμορφη, να μην γεράσει ποτέ, έτσι κι έγινε. Το τζίνι όμως έδωσε και στον άντρα της, δέκα κουκλάρες γυναίκες. Δεύτερη ευχή, να γίνει πάμπλουτη, να αποκτήσει τεράστια περιουσία. Το τζίνι όμως έδωσε δεκαπλάσια περιουσία στον άντρα της. Σκέφτεται λοιπόν την τρίτη ευχή της και λέει στο τζίνι: "θέλω να μου δώσεις, ένα μικρούλι εγκεφαλικό!"

Keep To Yourself
<a href="/bn/translator/makis17" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1208934">makis17</a>
যোগদান: 31.05.2014

Είναι η πρώτη σου φορά. Καθώς ξαπλώνεις πίσω οι μύες σου σφίγγουν. Προσπαθείς να τον κάνεις να καθυστερήσει ψάχνοντας για δικαιολογία, αλλά αυτός δεν πτοείται καθώς σε πλησιάζει. Ρωτάει αν φοβάσαι κι εσύ κουνάς το κεφάλι αρνητικά. Έχει μεγαλύτερη εμπειρία, αλλά είναι η πρώτη φορά που το δάχτυλό του βρίσκει το σωστό μέρος. Το βάζει πιο βαθιά κι εσύ ανατριχιάζεις. Το σώμα σου τεντώνεται, αλλά αυτός είναι ευγενικός όπως ακριβώς υποσχέθηκε! Σε κοιτάει βαθιά στα μάτια και σου ζητάει να τον εμπιστευτείς - το έχει ξανακάνει πολλές φορές. Το ψύχραιμο χαμόγελό του σε ηρεμεί καθώς ανοίγεις διάπλατα για να του δώσεις περισσότερο χώρο για ευκολότερη είσοδο. Αρχίζεις να τον παρακαλάς να βιαστεί, αλλά αυτός προχωράει πολύ αργά, θέλοντας να σου προκαλέσει όσο το δυνατόν λιγότερο πόνο. Καθώς πιέζει κοντύτερα, προχωρώντας βαθύτερα, αισθάνεσαι τον ιστό να υποχωρεί. Ο πόνος διαπερνάει ολόκληρο το σώμα σου και αισθάνεσαι λίγο αίμα να τρέχει καθώς εκείνος συνεχίζει. Δείχνει ανήσυχος και σε ρωτάει αν πονάει πολύ... Τα μάτια σου γεμίζουν δάκρυα καθώς κουνάς το κεφάλι αρνητικά και τον παροτρύνεις να συνεχίσει. Αρχίζει να μπαινοβγαίνει με τέχνη αλλά το μούδιασμα σε κάνει να μην τον αισθάνεσαι μέσα σου. Μετά από μερικές ξέφρενες στιγμές, αισθάνεσαι μια έκρηξη μέσα σου καθώς εκείνος το τραβάει έξω. Ακόμα ανάσκελα, αναπνέεις λαχανιασμένα, όλο χαρά που τελείωσε. Σε κοιτάει και με ένα ζεστό χαμόγελο σε ρωτάει αν αισθάνεσαι καλά και σε διαβεβαιώνει ότι τώρα θα είναι πολύ καλύτερα από πριν. Εσύ τον ευχαριστείς λέγοντάς του πόσο καλός οδοντογιατρός είναι. Ήταν, βλέπεις, η πρώτη φορά που σου έκαναν εξαγωγή δοντιού!

Keep To Yourself
<a href="/bn/translator/makis17" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1208934">makis17</a>
যোগদান: 31.05.2014
Evi_Par wrote:

χιλια συγγνωμη δεν το ειδα καν.... Sad smile

Aσυγχώρητη.. Tongue smile

Keep To Yourself
<a href="/bn/translator/makis17" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1208934">makis17</a>
যোগদান: 31.05.2014

-Αγάπη μου, η κόρη μας έχασε το πρώτο της δόντι!!
-Το ξέρω, δεν θα αγγίξει το playstation μου ξανά.

Super Member
<a href="/bn/translator/jadis" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1387945">Jadis</a>
যোগদান: 01.07.2018

What's black, dangerous, and sits on a branch ?
A raven holding a machine-gun.

Super Member
<a href="/bn/translator/blacksea4ever" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1390089">BlackSea4ever</a>
যোগদান: 19.07.2018

Or
Trump. His soul is black, his actions are dangerous, and he sits in the executive branch.

But I imagine that will reduce the joking part...

Super Member
<a href="/bn/translator/blacksea4ever" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1390089">BlackSea4ever</a>
যোগদান: 19.07.2018

A man in a supermarket noticed an attractive woman who suddenly waved her hand to him ...
She approached him and said: "Hello!"
In front of him stood an attractive brown-haired woman with long hair and green eyes. He was just taken aback because he could not remember where he saw her.
Therefore, he asked: "Do you know me?"
To which the woman answered him: “Yes! You are the father of one of my children! ”
The man mentally went to the only time when he cheated on his wife.
"Oh my God! I remembered! You are the same stripper with whom I had sex on the billiard table, and all my buddies watched as your partner whipped me on the buttocks with raw celery and waved it in front of the cue? ”
She looked at him and calmly replied: "No, I am your son's class teacher."
Happy New Year !!!

Super Member
<a href="/bn/translator/blacksea4ever" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1390089">BlackSea4ever</a>
যোগদান: 19.07.2018

My birthday (not personally mine. Lol)
I awoke joyfully and hurried to shower. Smiling I walked into the kitchen wondering what gift my wife has for me.
She did not even remember to wish me a happy birthday.
Well, I thought to myself, children will remember. But children also forgot.

You can imagine how I felt when I drove to work.
But when I entered my office, my assistant Julia tenderly said:
- good morning, chief. Happy birthday!

And I felt much better. In the afternoon, Julia knocked on my door and said:
- chief, let's have dinner together - after all, it's your birthday!
After the third martini, Julia said:
— Chief, let's go to my place. We don't have much on our plate at work and after all, it's your birthday!

When we got there, Julia said:
— Chief, why don't you sit on the sofa while I change into something more comfortable.
In five minutes the door opened again and Julia walked in with a candlelit cake.

She was followed by my wife, kids, mother-in-law, colleagues, and friends.
I was sitting naked on the sofa with a single thought running through my brain -
I will fire the bitch!

Super Member
<a href="/bn/translator/jadis" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1387945">Jadis</a>
যোগদান: 01.07.2018

"According to statistics, one people out of five is mentally disturbed.. If there are four people around you and they look normal, that's not good."
(Jean-Claude Van Damme, actor, producer and philosopher)

Super Member
<a href="/bn/translator/blacksea4ever" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1390089">BlackSea4ever</a>
যোগদান: 19.07.2018

Jean-Claude is a philosopher? Learn something new every day.

Super Member
<a href="/bn/translator/blacksea4ever" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1390089">BlackSea4ever</a>
যোগদান: 19.07.2018

I know. I saved it and will translate - it is too long to do it now. I should have saved it in draft but I forgot it isn't an option here.

Moderator
<a href="/bn/translator/aldefina" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1152070">Aldefina</a>
যোগদান: 16.01.2013

Some do understand, I'm afraid it's a different story with jokes in Greek. Wink smile

Super Member
<a href="/bn/translator/blacksea4ever" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1390089">BlackSea4ever</a>
যোগদান: 19.07.2018

Darling Bride, tis for you:

Practice is when everything works, but it is not clear how.
Theory is when everything is clear, but nothing works.
But still, sometimes theory and practice are combined: nothing works and nothing is clear.

Keep To Yourself
<a href="/bn/translator/makis17" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1208934">makis17</a>
যোগদান: 31.05.2014

What does an owl with attitude have?
A scowl!

Super Member
<a href="/bn/translator/jadis" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1387945">Jadis</a>
যোগদান: 01.07.2018

Kind of.

Super Member
<a href="/bn/translator/blacksea4ever" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1390089">BlackSea4ever</a>
যোগদান: 19.07.2018

Lol, because you were strict about your rule and this joke popped into my head. It is how my mind works... I loved your poems. Fix electricity - tiny typo

Super Member
<a href="/bn/translator/igeethecat" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1365086">Igeethecat</a>
যোগদান: 16.12.2017

LOL, guys, you might consider to split this thread to “Ελληνικά ανέκδοτα”, “Анекдоты русскоговорящих”, “English jokes”, “Translated to predefined list of languages, but still remaining funny in all of them” and “All genders appropriate phrases” Regular smile

Super Member
<a href="/bn/translator/blacksea4ever" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1390089">BlackSea4ever</a>
যোগদান: 19.07.2018

Eh - NO! I like it here. I asked for permission to do English jokes and queen Maria (the other one) granted it. Russians know their jokes, but I got another brain exercise to find a joke in Russian and translate it. Soo, don't ruin a good thing for me. Lol

Super Member
<a href="/bn/translator/igeethecat" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1365086">Igeethecat</a>
যোগদান: 16.12.2017

Haha, Deanna, we do:
— Почему сперма в банке спермы стоит дороже, чем кровь в банке крови? — Ручная работа...
— Why sperm in the sperm bank is more expensive than blood in the blood bank? — Because it is hand made...

Super Member
<a href="/bn/translator/blacksea4ever" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1390089">BlackSea4ever</a>
যোগদান: 19.07.2018

Because I was born and raised in Odessa. Black Sea is in my soul. I used to sing to it when I was small. I used to save money so I could go on a ferry almost every day taking people from the port to several beaches and never tire of it. Some of my best memories are of my father and I swimming to the wave breakers, diving for crabs. We used to have a summer place on one of those beaches and I grew up with many wonderful people who loved sea, loved art and music and gifted me with the ability to see and hear even though I possess neither musical nor painting skills. Some were famous people that nobody would picture sitting listening to a girl who loved to sing but was awful at it. Since you want to teach, this is the best you could do in the future: support and nurture so your students can find their way. Oh, yes, as I said before, people in Odessa love jokes and so there were tons of anecdotes: politically incorrect, risqué, self-deprecating...

And because BRIDE was already taken?

Super Member
<a href="/bn/translator/jadis" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1387945">Jadis</a>
যোগদান: 01.07.2018

Two Hungarian mathematicians decide to make a contest : which one will find the greatest number ?
The first one thinks, thinks, and finally says: Three!
The second one thinks, thinks, and, exhausted, declares: OK, you won.

(If you're Hungarian, just change the nationality of the mathematicians).

Super Member
<a href="/bn/translator/igeethecat" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1365086">Igeethecat</a>
যোগদান: 16.12.2017

Прости, прощай Одесса-мама
This was not a joke, but a touchy moment

Super Member
<a href="/bn/translator/blacksea4ever" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1390089">BlackSea4ever</a>
যোগদান: 19.07.2018

Forgive me for Russian but this is untranslatable.

- Слушай, мне сейчас одна пишет: "Щас лифчик".
Спрашиваю: что - купила, потеряла, мал?
Оказалось, что "щаслифчик"- это я.

Editor
<a href="/bn/translator/andrew-parfen" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1328416">Andrew Parfen</a>
যোগদান: 19.02.2017

The first lines sounds to me exactly like the begining of the movie "The Prince of Tides" based on the novel by Pat Conroy, which I LOVE!

Super Member
<a href="/bn/translator/blacksea4ever" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1390089">BlackSea4ever</a>
যোগদান: 19.07.2018

Одесса.
- Мадам, мне нужно от Вас лишь выпить, переспать и обсудить Достоевского.
- Боже, я как за Достоевского услышала… подумала… грех не переспать с таким интеллигентным человеком.

Odessa.
- Madam, what I want from you is drink, sleep with you, and discuss Dostoyevsky
- my god, when I heard Dostoyevsky...I thought...it is a sin not to sleep with such an intellectual

Super Member
<a href="/bn/translator/blacksea4ever" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1390089">BlackSea4ever</a>
যোগদান: 19.07.2018

Pure original by yours truly

Super Member
<a href="/bn/translator/polinask" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1252626">polina_sk</a>
যোগদান: 10.07.2015

Вы и сейчас там? Тогда привет Одессе!

Super Member
<a href="/bn/translator/blacksea4ever" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1390089">BlackSea4ever</a>
যোগদান: 19.07.2018

After the robbery of the Odessa bank, 2 million were missing from the safe.
Banks director tells reporters: Write that 3 million were stolen from the bank. Let the bastard explain THAT at home!

Super Member
<a href="/bn/translator/igeethecat" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1365086">Igeethecat</a>
যোগদান: 16.12.2017

Real life “not” joke for ones who understand English and Russian (sorry Greeks) :
My daughter thought that лифчик (a bra) is «листик» = a little leaf

Moderator and Incorrigable
<a href="/bn/translator/ww-ww" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1294288">Ww Ww</a>
যোগদান: 03.06.2016

Teeth smile

Editor / Francophony
<a href="/bn/translator/gavier" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1222803">Gavin</a>
যোগদান: 14.10.2014

I don't remember that gospel. I really should have paid more attention in Sunday school Wink smile

Super Member
<a href="/bn/translator/igeethecat" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1365086">Igeethecat</a>
যোগদান: 16.12.2017

Whatever Bible, it was a child speaking Regular smile

Editor / Francophony
<a href="/bn/translator/gavier" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1222803">Gavin</a>
যোগদান: 14.10.2014

Culottée !

Moderator and Incorrigable
<a href="/bn/translator/ww-ww" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1294288">Ww Ww</a>
যোগদান: 03.06.2016

Teeth smile

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