[@petit élève], [@Gavin], [@Brat], and others, here is my new opus to sharp your proofreading skills with. :)
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Аз съм твоят мъж → Übersetzung auf Englisch
3 ÜbersetzungenEnglisch
Аз съм твоят мъж
I Am Only Yours [Singable]
Danke! ❤ | ||
4 Mal gedankt |
This is a singable (equirhythimic – rhythmically identical) translation. As a result the translation is not quite literal, although as close to the original as possible.
The translation is intentionally genderless.
Das heißt, dass er/sie erfreut darüber wäre, Korrekturen/Vorschläge in Bezug auf die Übersetzung zu erhalten.
Wenn du beide Sprachen beherrschst, kannst du gerne deine Kommentare hinterlassen.
1. | Цвете мое (Cvete moe) |
2. | Единствени (Edinstveni) |
3. | Студио Х (Studio X) |
Well, a nice translation, but a few spots:
1. I was living in someone else’s life, -> I had been living someone else's life (living IN life looks too weird)
2. I got the love->I got this love (this seems to be better)
3. the sole one-> "the only one" would be better, if the metre allowed it...
4. behave less saner.->it's not so good to say "less saner", the correct form would be "less sanely".
:)
Thanks, I hoped so!
I've updated the lines you've mentioned, and due to some of them not being to my liking too, some of them got an overhaul. I hope I haven't managed to break something else in the process though. :)
Again, this looks almost fine, except some minor wrinkles.
1. what for is love->what love is for (it's like in this poem of yours, where [@Gavin] gave you a piece of advice considering what friends are for.) :)
2. if I was before->it's OK according to the modern grammar rules, but I'd still prefer "if I were" :)
3. have I looked for you, have I hoped for you –> I don't know Bulgarian well enough, but I suppose that a construction with "whether" is more suitable here. But I might be mistaken, and all in all, it's still an equirhythimic translation, so it might be too hard to cram this "whether" into the metre...
Thanks again!
I fixed the first two, but the third I'll leave as it is, for "whether" is cumbersome to squeeze in here. That's why I used the reverse word order -- to indicate an uncertainty. For your reference, this stanza in Russian would be:
Всё там, где-то позади,
искал ли я тебя, ждал ли я тебя –
теперь уже не знаю,
но сейчас ты тут и изменились (являются другими) мои дни.
Ivan U7n wrote:искал ли я тебя, ждал ли я тебя –
теперь уже не знаю,
:) At least I got it right.
Though it's hard to say "Now I don't even know whether I was seeking or waiting for you" using a totally reversed word order so as to keep line-for-line accuracy. :D
:D That's why this stanza got how it is now -- keeping the original line-by-line meaning, but differing in in-stanza interconnections to keep the same overall meaning.
Looks like you've got it reading pretty nicely. I can add a few pointers and observations though. To take or leave as you see fit... :)
Do not ask me of my past - "about" is more usual than "of" - but it's fine if you prefer it.
my world won’t be the same - it feels like it needs a "now my world...." or "won't be the same anymore"
"candidate" is an odd choice of word, it has political or professional connotations. I would prefer "The only one" or "the only person"
I'm gonna - bit of a change of tone there, sound a bit slangy compared to the rest. I'd prefer "I'm going to" or maybe "I must" or "I have to" - (I prefer the last one)
Despite my failures - "faults" would be more usual, although the meaning isn't exactly the same.
making thoughts of mine less sane yet - oof! not sure where you're going there!
Driving me to distraction?
Pushing my mind to its limits/the edge?
Something like that?
Thus be sure of this - So be sure of this
yet now it became lost - Yet now it is lost/ Yet now it has become lost
Thanks! I'll mull them over, but I won't be myself, if I don't counter-comment. :)
Do not ask me of my past = I myself would have preferred "about", but the rhythm. And I didn't want to use 'bout as it sounds to me here like a bout of something like amnesia :).
my world won’t be the same = Now that you mention it, it does sound a bit off. I think it is so because the original stanza is wholly in the past. I'll do something like "my world now ain’t the same". In the original this lines goes as "(some from above) changed my world", but the emphasis is on the word, thus I made it passive.
the single candidate with whom I could grow old! = I wanted to have less repetitions here despite the original having them a plenty. Also this line having irregular singing pattern is not a piece of cake. Maybe something like "the one, the only one with..." will do better?
for being here by my side – I’m gonna thank you! = The tempo intervened here. There was a variant with "I have to", but due to the speed with which these three syllables are pronounced, they sound like "I hafta", thus again taking us back to a slangy sound.
with me and still has love to give despite my failures. = And again the rhythm is to blame, oh and the rhyme too. :) This stanza was the most problematic for me because this line and the one after the next require the stress to be on the next-to-last syllable and have a common rhyme. Also the end of the line is about forgiving some misdeeds, so to sum it all I settled on "failures".
amazing me and making thoughts of mine less sane yet. = It's the same as above. But here the end of the line means "and still you drive me crazy" but really it is backwards "and still I go crazy because of you" as originally this part uses 1st person singular forms.
I have no right to wish for someone better, thus be sure of this – = Hm, and what's wrong with "thus" here, he can't wish for something better, and thus she should be sure of the following. I can change it to "so" easily, but I'm interested in the reason for this.
yet now it became lost, = The original line means "Now I don't even know" referring the line above. Does "yet now all of it’s lost" sounds better?
Yes, I thought there might be rhythmic considerations, so you must go with the best compromise that suits your ear.
About gonna, gotta, ain't, hafta etc - sure it shows good command of idiomatic language to use them but I wince a bit whenever I see them in a work with poetic intention - they are rather jarring against the rest of the language used. Still, it's your choice.
Yep, I much prefer "The one" or "the only one"
And failures is fine - It just jumped out as a little unusual. You could also have had "failings" if you preferred (which sounds like it means failures but actually means faults) Depends which meaning you are after - the times when you have failed (failures) - or - your general shortcomings(faults/failings)
Ok - something like "amazing me and yet driving me to distraction" - any good?
I think I would say "but now all of it's lost" (or just "but now all is lost") - 'yet' sounds a little odd there.
First of all, I don't pretend this is some high-end poetry, songs now are written to the words, not to the poetry like before. Moreover the original does have the rhythm (and sometimes even rhymes), but it is so inconsistent from line to line that I can't name it. So I don't see any problem in using some nowadays shortcuts when I can't squeeze full-sized expression. I even heard (if I'm not mistaken) "I'mma" in this year's British Eurovision song.
But maybe "I need to thank you" will better show the intent. And it doesn't sound line any "shortcut" I know.
What about them both together? :) "The one, the o-o-only one"
Considering that the original has "(the woman who) forgives me" I don't think the topic is about general shortcomings, I feel it is more about times of failures no matter the reason (which as well may be some shortcomings).
Unfortunately not, the pattern of this line is: -+-+.-+.-+-±-+-. I think only the Cranberries could sing "mistak-E-n" and get away with it. And "driv-I-ng" would sound similar to it. Also I'm trying to have at least an echo of the rhyme to "failures". Is my variant so out of it that it's totally not salvageable?
I have had "but" here, but the next line begins with it too. I need to think on this, maybe something like "by now it has been lost" or something.
Boys, don’t fight. It’s just a song:). And life is beautiful;)
We're not fighting! It's all in the spirit of improvement :)
The one, the only one - that sounds very nice actually! :)
The rest - Well, I'm just fiddling really - matching the rhythm isn't really my thing so I admire your intent.
Maybe the line could be
amazing me and making thoughts of mine less sane yet. => Amazing me while still driving me round the bend
Amazing me while still messing with my mind (yeah)
Or if you must then at least just move the 'yet':
amazing me and yet making thoughts of mine less sane.
It's still a very odd sounding phrase I fear...
I'd rather use the pair of "failings|[in]sanely"... ;)
Oh, well, isn’t the song is about a women, wife? Or am I missing something?
It is, but "the translation is intentionally genderless". I heard a female version of this song, and it is somewhat creepy. It sounds to me like "I've got you and there is no way you will ever get rid of me". ;)
Oh, l see. Is this why they have unisex restrooms now?
I can't say anything about restrooms as my intention was to make the song singable by either a male or a female (or anything in between :) ) without the need to alter the lyrics.
OK, I tweaked text here and there a little, one spot is still not fully to my liking, but otherwise, I think, the translation now should be good. :)
It's almost OK now, but I still see two dangling modifiers that spoil the party:
1. with me and who despite my faults with love repays me.-> Here I don't see any way to improve the structure, save that you can set it off by commas: "with me and who, despite my faults, with love repays me"
2. amazing me and who with ease can drive me crazy.-> Here I can recommend to get rid of that "with ease" in the following way: you can omit "who" because it's present in the previous line, as a logical subject, and use "in a breeze" instead. ("amazing me, and in a breeze can drive me crazy".) This seems to be better, from my viewpoint, but maybe [@Gavin] could also tell us something...
Let's wait and see what Gavin has to say, as adding commas won't be a burden, but from my side it looks that if we remove "who" (not mentioning the singing pattern where it is in the perfect place), then it will be another complement for "keeps on" thus requiring a gerund.
This might be a problem... Nevertheless you could change it into "whose charming(magic) thrills", for instance. Though it would change the meaning slightly.
Em, change what? "Keeps on" I would prefer not to touch, and "with ease" has just two syllables, thus I'm a little lost. :/
And who with ease->whose charming thrills (this will serve as a subject for the following "can drive me crazy") :)
The thing with this line is that there should be a pause before "and" and one after "who". I don't think that "whose char ming thrills" will sound great. ;)
Moreover, I'm not sure I like the word "thrills" in this context as I don't see how one's thrill (that essentially is being excited or pleased) can drive another person crazy (except in envy). It just doesn't make sense at least to me. :)
If so, you may want to use "whose charm and spell" - that would probably meet your requirements. :)
Nope, this sounds too feminine for me now. :) As I am trying to avoid any indication of the gender, and if a change is required, I would rather use some adverb like "anew" in place of "with ease" and be done with it. :D
Rather lost track there - is there any line under consideration that still needs reviewing? :)
Well, I made changes in almost every spot you mentioned, but the most changed was the chorus (the 4th stanza).
Yes, I think it's looking pretty tidy now, the changes look good! :)
Great! And there are no "dangling modifiers that spoil the party" as Brat put it? :)
Dangling modifiers although sometimes frowned on are not a massive no-no in songs or poems. It's true that it would be more common to rephrase:
with love repays me => repays me with love
with ease can drive me crazy => can drive me crazy with ease (or just 'easily')
but I don't see a problem if you prefer your phrasing. :)
Thanks anew! :) I thought something similar too, and naturally in everyday speech, I would put such complements at the end but the rhythm and the rhyme play their own games, especially if they team against me. :D But sometimes it is hard for me see what is acceptable and what is not due to, as you might know it, my first language -- Russian -- having almost free word order.
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