only obvious mistakes

there's no single word of 古石, so 古い石 is good
not 舞おえる but 舞う
need a noun for posessive pronouns like 失った→失ったもの、消えた達→消えたもの達、落ちたまで→落ちたときまで
there's no verb of 最愛する. 最愛の is an adjective and 最も愛する is correct adverb+verb
々 isn't の
周りに回られた→周りを回られた cause 周り「に」回られた is spun around "by" the surroundings
彼達→彼ら for 彼+達 is impossible (though 私 or あなた+達 is OK)
一夜 is used only in four or five idiomatic phrases like 一夜漬け、一夜明けた今日 and 千夜一夜物語
you use ～も～も～も……～も just for gathering of some things that are parallel and symmetric i.e equal in a sence
i hope these help you