Два Корабля (Dva karablya) ( Αγγλικά μετάφραση)

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Αγγλικά μετάφρασηΑγγλικά (Ποιητική μετάφραση, Ομιοκατάληκτη μετάφραση, Τραγουδιστή μετάφραση)
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Two Ships

Εκδόσεις: #1#2
The captain of the ship is dead, he trails behind him his pink thread
That’s the only trace he leaves, he goes into the sea.
He was crushed and crucified, two ships standing side by side
And the waving of their hands is enough to go to sea.
But the captain is forgotten on the ships he led to war
In oblivion, forgetting both the channel and the shore
And the one thing in their brains is their patience, is their pain.
They don’t understand their freedom, and it tightens within them
It’s not clear what’s the best option, it's to sink or it's to swim
For the ship has lost her captain and the captain lost his ship
Still we need to find a purpose and life’s meaning reinvent
What the shit?
 
The captain of the ship is dead, dried up land is on the left
On the right a dark blue snake, and nothing lies ahead.
Dead men in their coffins lie, two ships standing side by side,
And the waving of their hands is enough to live, be free.
They forgot the “I” in ship on those ships that went to war
In oblivion, forgetting both the channel and the shore
And the one thing in their brains is their patience, is their pain.
They don’t understand their freedom, and it tightens within them
It’s not clear what’s the best option, it's to sink or it's to swim
For the ship has lost her captain and the captain lost his ship
Still we need to find a purpose and life’s meaning reinvent
What the shit?
 
Ευχαριστώ!
thanked 4 times
This is a poetic translation - deviations from the meaning of the original are present (extra words, extra or omitted information, substituted concepts).

Feel free to send suggestions!

Υποβλήθηκε από TinyparrotTinyparrot στις Δευ, 21/09/2020 - 01:58
Επεξεργάστηκε τελευταία φορά από το χρήστη TinyparrotTinyparrot στις Τρί, 29/09/2020 - 15:58
Σχόλια συντάκτη:

I'm trying to make it singable, at least. I'm new here so any advice or criticism would be greatly appreciated Regular smile

Два Корабля (Dva karablya)

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Μεταφράσεις του τραγουδιού ''Два Корабля (Dva ...''
Αγγλικά R,P,STinyparrot
Συλλογές με "Два Корабля"
Σχόλια
Pinchus ZelenogorskyPinchus Zelenogorsky    Δευ, 21/09/2020 - 02:08

I think "Нафига" means here something like для чего жить, why to live

TinyparrotTinyparrot    Δευ, 21/09/2020 - 02:28

Thanks! I wasn't familiar with the word, my dictionary translated it as "what the hell for" but "how to live" would also work with the rhyme scheme, that's pretty cool. I'm about to go to bed now but I might edit it in the morning Regular smile

Sergei KolesovSergei Kolesov    Δευ, 21/09/2020 - 02:35

"what the hell for" is correct. your dictionary is right. Regular smile Success!

Pinchus ZelenogorskyPinchus Zelenogorsky    Δευ, 21/09/2020 - 02:41

Да, подойдет. Но "What the shit?" не подходит.

Pinchus ZelenogorskyPinchus Zelenogorsky    Δευ, 21/09/2020 - 02:41

"Фиг" is very polysemantic object
фига = fig
ни фига себе (фига себе) - выражение удивления, восхищения
фиг тебе - выражение несогласия
нафига - зачем?
дофига - очень много
пофигу - мне все равно
и т.д.

SchnurrbratSchnurrbrat    Δευ, 21/09/2020 - 02:46

Interesting translation, thanks. A good song choice too.
I like this line of yours: "They forgot the “I” in ship"

The captain of the ship is dead, on the left the land is dry
On the right a dark blue snake, and nothing lies ahead

Minor suggestions to improve rhyming / assonance:
it tightens within them > it tightens them within (next line ends with "swim")
The captain of the ship is dead, on the left the land is dry >> the captain is gone?, the land is dead (in the original it rhymes with "snake")
and nothing lies ahead >> and the path is blocked ahead (or something similar)
and life’s meaning reinvent = this line stands out during reading, I would suggest to think a tad more and to change it to something more close to the sound of "ship". Since it it the last one, this impression is magnified.

Good work anyway!

TinyparrotTinyparrot    Δευ, 21/09/2020 - 13:44

Thanks! Yeah, it stuck out to me too, I'll see if I can think of something better

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