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Сон (В полдневный жар в долине Дагестанa…) (Son (V poldnevnyj zhar v doline Dagestana…)) ( Αγγλικά μετάφραση)

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Сон (В полдневный жар в долине Дагестанa…)

В полдневный жар в долине Дагестана
С свинцом в груди лежал недвижим я;
Глубокая еще дымилась рана;
По капле кровь точилася моя.
 
Лежал один я на песке долины;
Уступы скал теснилися кругом,
И солнце жгло их жёлтые вершины
И жгло меня — но спал я мертвым сном.
 
И снился мне сияющий огнями
Вечерний пир в родимой стороне.
Меж юных жен, увенчанных цветами,
Шёл разговор весёлый обо мне.
 
Но в разговор весёлый не вступая,
Сидела там задумчиво одна,
И в грустный сон душа её младая
Бог знает чем была погружена;
 
И снилась ей долина Дагестана;
Знакомый труп лежал в долине той;
В его груди дымясь чернела рана,
И кровь лилась хладеющей струей.
 
Αγγλικά μετάφρασηΑγγλικά
Αλφάδιασε τους παράγραφους

A Dream

Εκδόσεις: #1#2#3#4
In heat of noon, a dale in Dagestan,
Motionless, a bullet in my chest
I lay; blood smoking from the deep wound ran,
And drop by drop in courses coalesced.
 
All alone I lay within that hollow
On sand, cliffs crowding ‘round and steep.
The hot sun burned their summits all in yellow,
And burned me, but I slept a deathful sleep.
 
And then a brilliant feast by fires’ gleaming
At home and after dark I seemed to see.
Young women crowned with flowers, I was dreaming,
Held merry conversation about me.
 
But to the merry conversation not attending
Sat one there deeply occupied in thought.
To sad and horrid dreams her spirit bending;
God only knew what place her young soul sought.
 
She dreaming saw a dale in Dagestan
A shape lay here, familiar to behold:
His chest stained with a wound, there on the sand,
And pouring blood in stream now growing cold.
 
Ευχαριστώ!
thanked 4 times
Υποβλήθηκε από shinedshined στις Σάβ, 22/05/2021 - 01:14
Σχόλια συντάκτη:

Maybe what is hardest is getting the alternating strong and weak endings in so much Russian verse. I wanted the first line of first and last stanzas to end like the Russian with Dagestan, but English unfortunately is not inflected.

Ο μεταφραστής ζήτησε επανέλεγχο.
Αυτό σημαίνει πως θα χαρεί να λάβει διορθώσεις, προτάσεις κλπ σχετικά με την μετάφραση.
Αν είστε ευφραδής και στις δυο γλώσσες του ζεύγους, παρακαλούμε αφήστε τα σχόλιά σας.
Σχόλια
SchnurrbratSchnurrbrat    Σάβ, 22/05/2021 - 01:39

Thank you, Dan.
I've enjoyed your poem very much.
There's one more poem about Dagestan. Arguably, it is more famous, since it was written by a Dagestan's native:
https://lyricstranslate.com/en/rasul-gamzatov-мой-дагестан-lyrics.html...
It also has a pro-level video clip showcasing this country.

A couple of questions regarding your translation, please help me to understand it properly.
1) in courses coalesced. Could you explain your selection of "courses" here? What meaning does this word carry in this context?
2) Sat one there. I like this one, I would not have courage to use such an expression. In my understanding, it is a grammatically legit subject-verb inversion after "there" (There sat one) which is spiked with misplaced/inverted "there". I understand that to native ears no grammatical reasoning is necessary, but could you please comment a bit on this interesting structure? Obviously, it is poetry, and some rules could be relaxed a bit, but I'm trying to get down to grammar rules with inversions. They are handy.

shinedshined    Παρ, 18/06/2021 - 22:27

Finally got around to your My Dagestan. Needs work I'm afraid. Dan

shinedshined    Σάβ, 22/05/2021 - 02:08

Thanks for the thanks and for the poem, do you think I should have a go at it?

1) COURSES 1300, "onward movement, motion forward, a running in a prescribed direction or over a prescribed distance; path or distance prescribed for a race, a race-course" from Old French cors "course; run, running; flow of a river" (12c.), from Latin cursus "a running; a journey; direction, track navigated by a ship; flow of a stream;" from curs- past participle stem of currere "to run" (from PIE root *kers- "to run").
Also from c. 1300 as "order, sequence;" meanings "habitual or ordinary procedure" (as in course of nature) and "way of life, personal behavior or conduct" are from early 14c.

Most of the extended senses developed 14c. from notion of "line in which something moves" (as in hold one's course) or "stage through which something must pass in its progress." Thus, via the meaning "series or succession in a specified or systematized order" (mid-14c.) comes the senses of "succession of prescribed acts intended to bring about a particular result" (c. 1600, as in course of treatment) and the academic meaning "planned series of study" (c. 1600; in French from 14c.), also "that part of a meal which is served at once and separately" (late 14c.).

MEANING "THE FLOW OF A STREAM OF WATER" IS FROM MID-14th CENTURY. Meaning " that of "channel in which water flows" is from 1660s. Courses was used for the flow of bodily fluids and 'humors' from late 14c.; specifically of menstrual flux from 1560s.

2) SAT ONE THERE. Yes, the usual order is "one sat there" or (if the "there" is not meant to indicate a specific place, but is used as the vague "there"... as in "Once upon a time there once was a princess...") "there sat one." My use is as a specific place (among the flower crowned women). My purpose was to add extra emphasis to the "One," by making it the stressed syllable, but I could change it to "One sat there" making "sat" the stressed syllable. Maybe I should?

I am no authority on English syntax, but my sense is that even though English depends so much on word order (not having much in the way of cases like any sensible language), still in poetry almost anything is fair. I mean you could say "One there sat" and that would be okay too.

SchnurrbratSchnurrbrat    Σάβ, 22/05/2021 - 02:51

Thank you for your detailed explanation. Still, this expression "coalesced in courses" sounds strange to me. I found only one occurrence of its use and it was related to academical courses. Anyway, I understood your line as "the blood runs its path(es)".
re: word order, that what I suspected, a poetical deviation in word order. It sounds right to me, but I, personally, is trying to avoid it.

Regarding the poem I suggested, sure why not. The author was bilingual and his most famous poem (Zhuravli / Cranes) was written in Avar language and its translation became a standard in Soviet music. It is one of the most famous songs about WW2 in Russia. 
https://lyricstranslate.com/en/rasul-gamzatov-журавли-zhuravli-lyrics.ht...
There is a touching story about how this poem was born:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zhuravli

shinedshined    Σάβ, 22/05/2021 - 03:43

One of my favorite 17th century poets, a priest.

The Water-Course
by George Herbert

Thou who dost dwell and linger here below,
Since the condition of this world is frail,
Where of all plants afflictions soonest grow;
If troubles overtake thee, do not wail:
For who can look for less, that loveth Life, / Strife

But rather turn the pipe, and water's course
To serve thy sins, and furnish thee with store
Of sov'reign tears, springing from true remorse:
That so in pureness thou mayst him adore,
Who gives to man, as he sees fit Salvation / Damnation.

Read about music throughout history