Hi Pierre,
That's nicely done! You've kept a nice poetic touch there.
I can see what your trying with the shoulds/shalls but it's not quite right. The first two 'shalls' don't quite work. You really need 'should' in the both cases. Or you can mirror the french structure of 'if you...'
in staying if you should leave me
and living, *should* you go away? (or 'if you go away' or 'if you should go away')
Likewise: 'if you *should* leave'
however the 'shall' in the last verse does work. But maybe "what do you think shall become of me'
I thought 'haloes' was wrong but it appears it can be spelt with or without the 'e' so I've learnt something there! :)
[Lyrics are taken from Victor Hugo “Je respire ou tu palpites”]