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В золоте осени (English translation)

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Proofreading requested
Russian

В золоте осени

 
В золоте, золоте, золоте осени
Шелковый воздух и чудесные сны.
В шорохе, шорохе, шорохе палой листвы
Странные мысли и тени весны.
 
А с неба искры дождя,
Остановить их нельзя.
Резво пронзают туманные дни
Искры надежды тепла и любви..
 
Трудно быть Богом, страшно быть собой.
В золоте осени кто-то другой
Бродит по зеркалам луж и в витринах домов
Тени спасенья и дорога домой.
 
А с неба искры дождя,
Остановить их нельзя.
Резво пронзают туманные дни
Искры надежды тепла и любви... (х2)
 
Last edited by Sophia_ on Sun, 17/06/2018 - 12:42
Align paragraphs
English translation

In the gold of autumn

Versions: #1#2#3
in the gold of autumn,
the air is silky smooth and dreams are wonderful
the rustle of fallen leaves
harbours strange thoughts and shadows of spring
 
Rain sparks are dropping from the sky
they can't be stopped
Sparks of hope, warmth and love
are playfully piercing these hazy days
 
It's hard to be God, it's scary to be yourself
Someone else wanders in the gold of autumn
by the mirrors of puddles and in house windows
shadows of salvation and a way back home.
 
Rain sparks are dropping from the sky
they can't be stopped
Sparks of hope, warmth and love
are playfully piercing these hazy days
 
Submitted by Sophia_ on Thu, 13/08/2015 - 10:14
Last edited by Sophia_ on Sat, 30/01/2016 - 23:50
The author of translation requested proofreading.
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Comments
Mist_Spb    Sun, 16/08/2015 - 17:35

"Бродит по зеркалам луж И в витринах домов" - так правильно. А где разрешение на публикацию?

Sophia_    Sun, 16/08/2015 - 17:43
Mist_Spb wrote:

"Бродит по зеркалам луж И в витринах домов" - так правильно. А где разрешение на публикацию?

Слушай, я по-моему, это у Севы Вконтакте взяла текст, там было так...
Так ты даешь разрешение или нет? :-)

Mist_Spb    Sun, 16/08/2015 - 18:39

Ейс офкоз

petit élève    Mon, 24/08/2015 - 15:48

there are silk air and wonderfull dreams -> "there are" is a bit heavy. Also the adjective "silky" or "silky smooth" would sound better than the noun "silk". Something like "in the gold of autumn, the air is silky (smooth) and dreams are wonderful"?

there are strange thoughts and shadows of spring -> here again "there are" burdens the sentence. It's more difficult to get rid of it because you need a verb that works both for thoughts and shadows.
"the rustle of fallen leaves *harbours* strange thoughts and shadows of spring" maybe?

this hazy days -> these

Трудно быть Богом -> is that an allusion to something beside the sci-fi book?

по зеркалам луж в витринах домов -> I don't really understand the Russian here, but I suppose the "other person" is the reflection of the singer seen in puddles and house windows?
It that's the case, I think this "other person" would have to be made more explicit in English. The metaphor is quite not as usual as in Russian.

beside "showcase" can only be used for a shop window. I would rather use "house frontages" or "house windows" (to make the idea of mirrors clearer).

Sophia_    Mon, 24/08/2015 - 15:48

спасибо

Sophia_    Mon, 24/08/2015 - 15:54

how it looks now?

petit élève    Mon, 24/08/2015 - 16:24

much nicer!

still this "another person" sounds a bit strange. Was I correct in my interpretation? In that case I would use "another self" or something, to indicate the reflection has a life on its own, but still link it to the locutor.

"you can't stop them" could be made a bit nicer, like "they can't be stopped"

and maybe "piercing" could be prettified a bit too. "piercing through these days..." or something

also I would say "*a* way back home". "way back home" might sound like the begining of a sentence saying "A long time ago, when I was at home..."