Нас никто уже так не полюбит (Nas nikto uzhe tak ne polyubit) (English translation)

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Нас никто уже так не полюбит (Nas nikto uzhe tak ne polyubit)

Нас никто уже так не полюбит,
как обещано было сперва.
Сентябри, словно кольца на срубе,
и не к месту слова.
 
Время сколет все наши скорлупы,
как в орехе – проступит нутро.
Не целуй меня в лоб, только в губы,
проводи до метро.
 
До угла, до оградки, до края...
Нам теперь все места хороши.
Это вечность сквозь нас прорастает
обещанием жить.
 
Мы смешны, мой стареющий мальчик,
нас ещё от касанья знобит...
Видишь – осень, как душеприказчик,
в переходе стоит.
 
Нас никто уже так не полюбит,
как обещано было сперва.
 
Нас никто уже так не полюбит…
 
English translation (equirhythmic, metered, poetic, rhyming, singable)
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No one will fall in love with us, dear,

Versions: #1#2
/// by Dmytro Zelenskyy – 11/29/2016
 
No one will fall in love with us, dear,
If compare to promising days.
Each September gives tree extra tier -
nothing more needs be said.
 
Time is chipping off nutshells from our selves,
what’s inside - will be visible then.
Do not kiss my forehead – buss the thin* bays,
walk me through to the end.
 
To the corner, to border, to edge…
It is grace now to live any place.
The eternity grows in us, stretching
unforgettable* [irreplaceable] days.
 
We are funny with blank* superstition,
touching hands makes us tremorring still…
Golden autumn in* final transition [does]
executing my will…
 
There is nobody who’ll love us fairy,
like was promised in early days.
 
No one will fall in love with us, dear,
 
Submitted by GuestGuest on Tue, 16/04/2019 - 02:02
Comments
BlackSea4everBlackSea4ever    Tue, 16/04/2019 - 02:48

I was wondering if you meant "fairly" vs "fairy" ?
Нас никто уже так не полюбит --> nobody will love us this well again
--
Это вечность сквозь нас прорастает обещанием жить. --->
This eternity grows inside us with its promise to live.
--
Не целуй меня в лоб, только в губы, проводи до метро. -->
Don't kiss my forehead, only kiss my lips, walk me to the subway

Dmytro ZelenskyyDmytro Zelenskyy    Tue, 16/04/2019 - 03:05

- да, Спасибо, я знаю, что перевод не буквальный...
для этого есть причины - - и петь надо под размер,
и смыслом "можно поиграть"...

- для этого и существуют/допускаются "варианты перевода"... что оригинал и не узнаешь...
потому что переводчик выбрал другие акценты, скажем так - неочевидные, или более привычные, с его точки зрения, для целевой аудитории идиомы

BlackSea4everBlackSea4ever    Tue, 16/04/2019 - 05:00

I understand your intent, and the translation doesn't have to be literal, but "who’ll love us fairy" isn't in English.
Thanks for the wonderful songs you added.
Regards,
Deanna

UncommonUncommon    Tue, 16/04/2019 - 05:46

My apologies, you didn't ask to proof-read, but I can't understand this translation at all.
You use asterisk in number of places and place title in the footnote. And the meaning of this footnote/asterisk is?
like "buss the thin* bays," meaning?
"Each September tacks ring to tree’s belly"- that is pretty cryptic line to me, but it followed by "nothing more needs be said."

Dmytro ZelenskyyDmytro Zelenskyy    Tue, 16/04/2019 - 05:54

asterisks are marking the words, that might be substituted with some other, and explore how the change of the detail impacts the picture or even sense

so the "thin" - which is not in the original text, may be changed to pale, cold etc...

on word synonyms search - i'm using Google-translate
https://translate.google.com/#view=home&op=translate&sl=en&tl=ru&text=buss
https://translate.google.com/#view=home&op=translate&sl=en&tl=ru&text=bay
https://translate.google.com/#view=home&op=translate&sl=en&tl=ru&text=to...

UncommonUncommon    Tue, 16/04/2019 - 06:14

Thank you for explanation.
I never heard "buss" being used, but i'm not native speaker
"bays" are relative to the storage, like in "bomb bay"
You probably get confused with geographical sense of the word "bay", like in "Biscayne Bay", and Russian translation would be "zaliv", and "zaliv" have a bunch of geographical synonyms in Russian, one of them would be "guba" [lip], but it is not literal meaning for the lips!
So google translate is not enough.
Cheers.

Dmytro ZelenskyyDmytro Zelenskyy    Tue, 16/04/2019 - 06:29

thanks, still i'm coming from the "utilitarian sense of the bay"
- so it is a place for docking,,, of ships, of lips :-)
or, similarly -- "of docking for ships, for lips"

Dmytro ZelenskyyDmytro Zelenskyy    Wed, 17/04/2019 - 01:31

Ok, looks like I published some early version.from word.doc file
the "official" text was in the video, of course

BlackSea4everBlackSea4ever    Tue, 16/04/2019 - 16:38

I ran it by a native and he doesn't understand this translation...even with the detailed explanations

UncommonUncommon    Tue, 16/04/2019 - 16:41

Yes, it's gibberish. if it would be artist i would care about my vote would be (*)