You requested a proofreading, but I'd say the translation is almost perfect as it is. One possible mistake is that you translated 振られる采 as "a rejected shade", when it's probably more likely to mean "the dice are thrown" where 振られる is the passive form of 振る. That line is a little ambiguous though so who knows. It'd be nitpicking to give any more corrections, so good job with the translation.
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Proofreading requested
Original lyrics
After Dark
背中の影が延び切るその合間に逃げる
剥がれ落ちた花にも気付かずに飛ぶ
街角甘い匂い流涎
遠く向こうから
何処かで聞いたような鳴き声
夜風が運ぶ淡い希望を乗せて
何処まで行けるか
それを拒むように世界は揺れて全てを奪い去る
夢なら覚めた
だけど僕らはまだ何もしていない
進め
真昼の怠惰を断ち切るような素振りで浮かぶ
生まれ落ちた雲まで見下ろすように飛ぶ
街角血の匂い流線
遠く向こうから
何処かで聞いたような泣き声
ドロドロ流れる深く赤い月が現れて振られる采
出鱈目な日々を断ち切りたい
何食わぬ顔で終わらぬように
夜風が運ぶ淡い希望を乗せて
何処まで行けるか
それを拒むように世界は揺れて全てを奪い去る
夢なら覚めた
だけど僕らはまだ何もしていない
進め
Submitted by Sailor PokeMoon2 on 2019-01-21
Last edited by Musunee on 2020-05-08
Translation
After Dark
The shadow behind me tears off, in that time I escape
Without noticing even the fallen flowers I jump
At the street corner a sweet smell drifts
From far beyond
As if it was a cry I heard before somewhere
Riding on faint hopes carried by the night wind,
How far can we go?
As if refusing that the world shakes
Taking everything away
If it was a dream we woke, but we
Have done nothing yet
Advance!
As if detached from my midday lethargy, I float
As if overlooking the clouds forming, I fly
At the street corner the smell of blood drifts
From far beyond
As if it was a cry I heard before somewhere
Flowing viscously, deeply the red
Moon appears; a rejected shade
I want to break out of these stagnant days
Looking innocent, as if they will never end
Riding on faint hopes carried by the night wind,
How far can we go?
As if refusing that the world shakes
Taking everything away
If it was a dream we woke, but we
Have done nothing yet
Advance!
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Submitted by Sailor PokeMoon2 on 2019-01-21
Translation source:
https://www.animelyrics.com/anime/bleach/afterdark.htm
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Asian Kung-Fu Generation: Top 3
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2. | 遥か彼方 (haruka kanata) |
3. | リライト (Rewrite) |
Comments
Thank you for your proofreading 😊
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Name: Emily
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