mağrurtilki
Name: asya
Role: Expert
Contributions: 436 translations, 170 songs, 1503 thanks received, 13 translation requests fulfilled for 5 members, left 329 comments
Languages: native Turkish, fluent Turkish, intermediate English, beginner French, Japanese
Its october. And october reminds me of a feeling... A few months ago, my sleep was often interrupted. I used to wake up suddenly in the dark of night and try to figure out if i was dreaming. My mind would start to be filled with so many thoughts like a meter with a button pressed... and my head would be in indescribable pain.
It was so often that i couldn't wake up in the morning and i would tired during the day. Then i guess my brain developed a defense mechanism
When i woke up in my bed at night, i would see him right in front of me. He would watch my face with his legs bent just like me, i can hardly remember his face so it only exists as a faint picture in my memory. He looked like he was real, just like himself
Pretty as always
Then i would slowly feel at peace, whenever i wanted to say something he comes closer to me and would say 'Shh, sleep now. You think about it later'
And i would do as he said, i just closed my eyes, our hands clasped between us.. When i woke up i knew it wasn't real, but.. didn't care because it felt good in the moment. Sometimes i would mutter to tell him what i did that day.. sketches, music, books, people..
'Im right here'
'I always wanted you to stay here' i said
'I wish you had told me this before..' he said
'I know i never said that, i suck at saying things like that..'
Then i was start crying but not from sadness.. but as a little ritual to vent my emotions
I was crying intermittently so as not to disturb him.
'Don't waste your tears, all this was a long time ago... now we can forget it, now you just gotta sleep'
I nodded in agreement through my tears
This cycle continued for a while until i stopped waking up at night. Now i haven't had this dream for a long time either, it all feels like a distant past.. i sleep and wake up at night without thinking about anything, with the help of some songs of course. His ghost is gone, but that ghost helped me heal..
Sometimes when im alone at night i think about this dream, maybe i can see it one more time
But i cant
Thats not possibile
Everything was so long time ago..
Its october.
October reminds me of the feeling of losing,
Losing with love