Diana Arbenina - Ya lyublyu togo kto ne pridet(Я люблю того, кто не придет) (French translation)

Russian

Ya lyublyu togo kto ne pridet(Я люблю того, кто не придет)

Я люблю того, кто не придет.
Кто не сядет пить чай за одним столом.
Кто никогда, никогда не приходил в мой дом.
Я люблю того, кто спит по ночам,
Опустив веки в ночную печаль.
Дрожит фитиль его огня и гаснет в свете дня.
 
А мы с тобою уже далеко от земли
Ты умеешь летать, я умею любить.
Ты любишь мечтать. а я люблю петь.
И наши страны давно стали одной.
Наши войны давно превратились в парад.
Ты так долго этого ждал, почему ты не рад?
Медленный стук чужих шагов.
Вечер - не время для звонков и для врагов
Я недостаточно сильна.
Давит всей тяжестью вина, но не до дна.
 
Я люблю того, кто держит в руке
Ключ от дверей, что всегда на замке,
Кто знает маршруты ночных поездов до дальних городов.
Я люблю того, кто видит мой цвет,
Кто рядом со мной, когда меня нет.
И слезы мои и его глаза, как соль на парусах.
 
А мы с тобою уже далеко от земли
Ты умеешь летать, я умею любить.
Ты любишь мечтать. а я люблю петь.
И наши страны давно стали одной.
Наши войны давно превратились в парад.
Ты так долго этого ждал, почему ты не рад?
Медленный стук чужих шагов.
Вечер - не время для врагов и для звонков
Я недостаточно сильна.
Давит всей тяжестью вина, но не до дна.
 
Submitted by Mikitevich on Sun, 04/09/2011 - 11:08
Last edited by sandring on Sat, 10/02/2018 - 05:28
Align paragraphs
French translation

J’aime bien celui qui ne vient pas (S)

J’aime bien celui qui ne vient pas
Qui passe pas à ma table pour prendre le thé
Qui n'a jamais mis les pieds chez moi, en vérité
J’aime bien celui qui dort toute les nuits
Ses paupières baissées au chagrin de minuit
S’éteint la mèche à flamme nocturne à la lumière du jour
 
Il y a longtemps que nous sommes loin de la terre
Tu sais bien voler, je sais bien aimer
Tu aimes bien rêver, et moi, j’aime chanter
Et nos pays, y a longtemps, qu'ils ont fusionné
Rien qu'un grand défilé sont nos guerres, n'est-ce pas?
Ce jour si longtemps attendu, quoi, tu n'est pas content?
Mais, qu’ils sont lentes, des pas d'autrui,
Le soir n'est bon ni pour l'appel, ni pour l'ennemi
Mais, je ne suis pas assez forte
Pèse de tout son poids le tort; pas jusqu'au fond
 
J'aime bien celui qui tient dans sa main
La clé des portes toujours verrouillées;
Qui tant bien connaît les trains de nuit vers les villes lointaines.
J'aime bien celui qui voit ma vraie teinte,
Qui est près de moi quand je ne suis pas là
Ce sont mes larmes et ses yeux - du sel sur les voiles.
 
Il y a longtemps que nous sommes loin de la terre
Tu sais bien voler, je sais bien aimer
Tu aimes bien rêver, et moi, j’aime chanter
Et nos pays, y a longtemps, qu'ils ont fusionné
Rien qu'un grand défilé sont nos guerres, n'est-ce pas?
Ce jour si longtemps attendu, quoi, tu n'est pas content?
Mais, qu’ils sont lentes, des pas d'autrui,
Le soir n'est bon ni pour l'appel, ni pour l'ennemi
Mais, je ne suis pas assez forte
Pèse de tout son poids le tort; pas jusqu'au fond
 
Submitted by sandring on Wed, 07/02/2018 - 13:41
Added in reply to request by Lilia Danilova
Last edited by sandring on Thu, 01/03/2018 - 06:29
Author's comments:

Pierre, merci pour ta patience. Regular smile

More translations of "Ya lyublyu togo kto ..."
Frenchsandring
See also
Comments
petit élève    Thu, 08/02/2018 - 07:49

Well Nadia, you sure didn't pick the easiest bit of Russian to exercise your French Regular smile
There is a number of small problems but the general idea is still well rendered.
The problem is, this elegant Russian requires elegant French, and elegant French is a harsh mistress.

passe pas à ma table -> omitting "ne" makes it sound like pretty unrefined spoken French.
"passer à table" is what you do to begin eating dinner or supper. "passer à ma table" has a different meaning, like "occasionally sit at my table" or "occasionally be my guest". I'd rather use "qui ne s'assoit/assied pas à ma table". (for some reason "asseoir" has two variants with the exact same meaning, just pick the one that sounds nicer to you)

n'est jamais, n'est jamais été -> "avoir" is required here (n'a jamais été), and "for real" would be "pour de vrai", though I'd rather use "vraiment" if you really want to insist on "jamais".
A more idiomatic variant would be "qui n'a jamais mis les pieds chez moi" ("who never set foot in my home"). That's a superlative expression that avoids repeating "jamais", and French does not like repetitions at all, except for specific stylistic effects.

гаснет в свете дня -> rather "à/dans la lumière du jour". That's a significantly different meaning.

Ты умеешь летать -> you're using "comme" instead of "comment", but "comme" means "like". Actually you don't need either: "tu sais voler, je sais aimer" works just fine.

y a longtemps, qu’ont fusionnés -> il y a longtemps qu'ils ont fusionné (no 's' to 'fusionné' since there is no direct object complement there)

nos guerres ne sont plus qu'une parade -> trouble is, "parade" can also mean "parry/countermeasure" or "mating dance", which makes the sentence very ambiguous.
"les défilés militaires ont remplacé nos guerres" or "nos guerres se sont transformées en commémorations" or something like that.

Ты так долго этого ждал -> it must be a past perfect (tu as attendu ça si longtemps), or else it seems like the guy is still waiting.

Mais, qu’ils sont lentes, des pas étranges -> "étrange" means "strange". "чужой" is "étranger"
The sentence would go "Mais qu'ils sont lents, les/ces pas étrangers !", but that would mean "How slow are these stranger's steps", while I rather understand the Russian as "The slow steps of a stranger [can be heard]". Or did I miss something?

Вечер - не время для звонков и для врагов -> "coup de fil" sounds very casual, it sticks out like a sore thumb compared with the poetic register of the rest.
"les appels ou les ennemis" sounds unnatural too, like comparing foes and phone calls. I'd rather say "Le soir n'est le bon moment ni pour les appels, ni pour les ennemis"

Давит всей тяжестью вина, но не до дна -> you need some adaptation there, or it will sound like Vyssotsky (who does actually sound quite good, but that's a song of his, not a translation Regular smile )
"La culpabilité pèse de tout son poids, mais pas jusqu'au bout" or something like that. Or maybe "pas jusqu'au fond des choses" if you want to keep something closer to "до дна"

Ключ от дверей, что всегда на замке -> "la clé des portes [qui sont] toujours fermées".
"qui sont" is optional, you can skip it to lighten the sentence.
"fermées" is enough, it implies "locked" in this context, but you can use "verrouillées" or "fermées à double tour" if you want to insist on the locking.

Кто знает маршруты ночных поездов до дальних городов -> qui connaît l'itinéraire de tous les trains de nuit vers les villes lointaines ?
"route" does not make sense with trains, that would sound like the trains were travelling outside their tracks.
"à/aux" is not appropriate here."éloigné" is possible but really does not roll off the tongue.

ma vrai teinte -> "vraie" (feminine) and "teinte" is more like "tincture" or "shade/hue". I think "ma vraie couleur" is a better match

Кто рядом со мной -> Since there is no punctuation, "Qui" makes the line sound like a question without a question mark (who is by my side?). "celui qui" is the surest way to remove the ambiguity. Alternatively, put a comma at the end of the previous line.

Mes larmes à pleurer sont dans ses yeux comme sel sur les voiles. -> "à pleurer" is not in the Russian and just clutters the French. That would mean something like "my tears that can bring [someone] to tears". Better get rid of that.
Also "comme sel..." sounds awfully poetic, like Old French. Rather "comme du sel..."

petit élève    Thu, 08/02/2018 - 08:30

Same general theme, but "Plus rien ne va" is really a different song, both lyrics and music. Still that's good to know.
He did quite an impressive work on the French. It does not sound like a native, but he thought up refined word plays and associations.

Brat    Thu, 08/02/2018 - 08:32

This adaptation gave many clues to the researchers of his artistic heritage, BTW. As well as his other songs in French...

petit élève    Thu, 08/02/2018 - 08:34

Yes, I suppose hundreds of scholars must have made a career studying his work Regular smile

sandring    Thu, 08/02/2018 - 08:47

Dear Pierre, I awfully appreciate your help, thank you. I thought over many options you've pointed out while translating. But I had driven myself into the corner trying to make it into a singable. I'll thoroughly and thankfully consider each of your suggestions and see what I could make of them in terms of a singable. It won't be soon though, I'm afraid. Thank you, once more, for your time and effort. Regular smile

petit élève    Thu, 08/02/2018 - 08:52

My pleasure, Nadia.
To say the truth, I'm not sure I could produce something singable myself.
French is not as adaptable as English, and some of the metaphors seem rather difficult to rephrase.
Still I'm curious to see the final result.

sandring    Thu, 08/02/2018 - 09:33

Pierre, dear, I've entered some corrections that the lyrics meter permitted. As for "passer a ma table" - that the exact meaning she puts in it. The Russian Future Tense here is to denote an action that has never occurred, never occurs and its possibility of occurrence in future is zero (if Brat says otherwise don't believe him Regular smile ). So she wants to say he doesn't even occasionally turns up at her place for tea. That was exactly what I was trying to express, thank you for proving that for me. I'll be working on with your suggestions as my guidelines. Regular smile

petit élève    Fri, 09/02/2018 - 00:54

Well if you favour singability I'd say the result is ok, though a few bits sound a bit peculiar. That remains within the bounds of poetic licence Regular smile

Dropping the "ne" in the negation is damaging the aesthetics. Since French 'e's can be muted, I think you could keep it, meant to be pronounced as " n' "

"à/aux" is a kind of catch-all preposition that almost always makes some kind of sense - and even sounds elegant when used sparingly - but overusing it makes the French somewhat confuse.

sandring    Fri, 09/02/2018 - 04:41

Pierre, but it's not over yet. I'm still working. Regular smile

petit élève    Fri, 09/02/2018 - 06:29

Ah sorry. Let me know when I can resume my rampage then Wink smile

sandring    Fri, 09/02/2018 - 14:26

Pierre, I'm done for the time being. Thank you. I may come back to it but much later. It was just a small harmless exercise in French Regular smile