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В золоте осени (English translation)

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Russian

В золоте осени

 
В золоте, золоте, золоте осени
Шелковый воздух и чудесные сны.
В шорохе, шорохе, шорохе палой листвы
Странные мысли и тени весны.
 
А с неба искры дождя,
Остановить их нельзя.
Резво пронзают туманные дни
Искры надежды тепла и любви..
 
Трудно быть Богом, страшно быть собой.
В золоте осени кто-то другой
Бродит по зеркалам луж и в витринах домов
Тени спасенья и дорога домой.
 
А с неба искры дождя,
Остановить их нельзя.
Резво пронзают туманные дни
Искры надежды тепла и любви... (х2)
 
Last edited by Sophia_ on Sun, 17/06/2018 - 12:42
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English translation

In the Gold of the Fall [Singable]

Versions: #1#2#3
In the gold, in the gold, in the gold of the fall
silky-smooth air induce magnificent dreams.
Thanks to leaves, fallen leaves rustled by wind
more than strange thoughts revive shadows of spring.
 
And sparks of rain from the sky
are falling never to cease.
They swiftly pierce through the mist of dull days,
these sparks of hope, of affection and peace.
 
Being God’s trying, being oneself’s grim.
Someone, not me, in the gold of the fall
wanders in mirrors of pools and within window panes.
Shelter of shadow is a route back to home.
 
And sparks of rain from the sky
are falling never to cease.
They swiftly pierce through the mist of dull days,
these sparks of hope, of affection and peace.
 
This work (if it isn’t sourced) is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 4.0 International License. Don’t forget to press the green "Thanks!" button if my translation was helpful (no registration’s required).
Submitted by Ivan U7n on Wed, 13/06/2018 - 20:04
Added in reply to request by Sophia_
Last edited by Ivan U7n on Mon, 18/06/2018 - 06:10
Author's comments:

This is a singable (equirhythimic – rhythmically identical) translation. As a result the translation is not quite literal, although as close to the original as possible.

See also
Comments
Sophia_    Thu, 14/06/2018 - 05:37

Спасибо большое!

Ivan U7n    Thu, 14/06/2018 - 06:13

Пожалуйста! Я так понимаю это местная группа из Питера?

Sophia_    Thu, 14/06/2018 - 06:33

Да. Автор песен и вокалист @Mist_Spb (по совместительству мой муж Wink smile )

Ivan U7n    Thu, 14/06/2018 - 07:07

Понятненько. Teeth smile

Igeethecat    Thu, 14/06/2018 - 07:58

The golden dye, golden dye, golden dye of the fall
makes the air silky and brings marvelous dreams.
Rustling of, rustling of leaves under trees
wakes crazy thoughts and casts shadows of spring.
—-
No offense Ivan, but if it’s a singlable,
You definitely need a native help Regular smile

The golden dye - ? I do not understand,
As few other things....

Alexander Laskavtsev    Thu, 14/06/2018 - 08:08

Я бы даже не уточнял, что это "золотые КРАСКИ" - имеющий воображение да вообразит Wink smile

Sophia_    Thu, 14/06/2018 - 08:30

А какое слово тогда впихнуть, чтобы размер строки сохранить?

Brat    Thu, 14/06/2018 - 17:05

Впихнуть можно слово "hue", но это само по себе мало что даст, так как подобные дольники, да ещё начинающиеся с дактильной строки, переводить "в лоб" совсем даже не просто... Это же песня всё-таки, как я понимаю, её же ещё спеть надо будет суметь...

Ivan U7n    Thu, 14/06/2018 - 08:37

Мне тоже всё очень понятно, "Золотой ОКРАС". А некоторые метафоры я сам только приблизительно понимал, поэтому подход был тоже творческий и "метафоричный". Regular smile

Igeethecat    Thu, 14/06/2018 - 16:13

Ок, попытаюсь объяснить. Первое, что приходит на ум about golden dye - краска для волос. Типа, осень решила блондинкой стать. К тому же при произношении, n and d сольются в один звук (нда) и 'golden dye' будет звучать как 'golden eye' . 'In the gold' - like in Anatoli's translation should keep the rhythm

Mist_Spb    Thu, 14/06/2018 - 10:15

Большое спасибо! В скором времени запишем демо, обязательно Вам вышлю Wink smile

Ivan U7n    Fri, 15/06/2018 - 08:43

I've added my second attempt at verses. I think the chorus is fine as it is. Regular smile

petit élève    Sun, 17/06/2018 - 03:41

Since @Gavin is out of reach for a few days and Maria asked me to have a look...

В шорохе, шорохе, шорохе палой листвы
Странные мысли и тени весны. -> I'd rather switch the lines :
"strange thoughts and shadows of spring can be heard in the rustle of fallen leaves" or something like that.

raindrops from skies -> you're missing an article again Regular smile "sparkling rains from the skies" might work.

are falling having no end -> "falling having" hurts my eyes.
"are pouring down without end" keeps the 7 syllables.

They quickly pierce -> "quickly" doesn't sound that nice. "briskly" maybe?

Someone but me -> "nobody but me" would be ok, but the meaning is wrong.
"кто-то другой" in 4 syllables might be "another one" but I suppose that would mess up your Russian stress pattern...

and through window panes -> that "and" makes it look like this stranger smashes through windows Regular smile
"wanders through puddles reflected in window panes" or something like that

Igeethecat    Sun, 17/06/2018 - 04:10

In the gold, in the gold, in the gold of the fall
silky-smooth air causes magnificent dreams.
In the leaves, fallen leaves rustling away
varied strange thoughts bring up shadows of spring.

Causes - why not to stay with original “brings”?
The last line - try to sing it Wink smile Regular smile
Why varied? Strange is strange enough Regular smile
Allude to?

Just suggestions Regular smile

Ivan U7n    Sun, 17/06/2018 - 12:31

Thanks guys and gals for keeping this in-focus. Regular smile

Having a fresh look-over showed some irregularities I haven't noticed before. I've tweaked it here and there once more. Now everything looks good, at least to me (any misplaced article notwithstanding). Wink smile

Concerning verbs -- they are almost non-existent in the original, thus the ones used by me are just my interpretation as using implied "to be" everywhere seems rather silly.

And by the way, the original I use isn't totally identical to the one provided here:

Quote:

В золоте, золоте, золоте осени
шелковый воздух и чудесные сны.
В шорохе, шорохе палой листвы
странные мысли и тени весны.

А с неба искры дождя,
остановить их нельзя.
Резво пронзают туманные дни
искры надежды, тепла и любви.

Трудно быть Богом, страшно быть собой.
В золоте осени кто-то другой
бродит по зеркалам луж и в витринах домов.
В тени спасенья и дорога домой.

А с неба искры дождя,
остановить их нельзя.
Резво пронзают туманные дни
искры надежды, тепла и любви.

Sophia_    Sun, 17/06/2018 - 12:43

"В тени – спасенье" ?
Юра иногда поет "мягко пронзают" вместо "резво пронзают", но "в тени -спасенье" я ни разу за десять лет не слышала.
Сейчас переспросила, правильно "тени спасенья"
UPD: Была ошибка, не хватало "и" в строчке "Бродит по зеркалам луж и в витринах домов". Исправлено.

Ivan U7n    Sun, 17/06/2018 - 13:28

Тогда я видимо не понимаю грамматику оригинала. Если "в тени спасенья" (а "в" я чётко слышу в записи в ВК) относится к "бродит", то "дорога домой" через "и" никуда не клеится.
Хотя, кажется понял. И всё обновил.

Sophia_    Sun, 17/06/2018 - 14:29

Спасибо еще раз.
Любопытно, дома переслушаю запись в ВК.

Igeethecat    Sun, 17/06/2018 - 14:42

But raining sparks - что-то такое непереводимо-русское, но главное, чтобы русскому человеку было понятно Regular smile ‘and’ here would be more appropriate then ‘but’, if you even need it

within window panes - are you talking about double panes? And is he wandering between/inside two panes? Трудно представить такую картину Teeth smile
Window - без всяких дополнительных- уже витрина, бродить в них, конечно, сложно, но можно делать window glazing or window shopping Wink smile

Ivan U7n    Sun, 17/06/2018 - 15:20

Согласен, протяжное but, может звучать как "butt". И пятая точка извергающая искры с небес -- это как-то чересчур. Regular smile Но на самом деле raining sparks просится в качестве дополнения к чему-то like a saw raining sparks, а "дождящиеся" искры звучат оторвано от контекста.

Спросите у автора, что такое "витрины домов" и как по ним можно бродить, тогда я смогу сказать, что я пытался изобразить. Wink smile А в текущем виде я пытался обозначить отражение в стёклах витрин (а не между ними). Потому и "window panes" в качестве огромных стеклянных фасадов, а не каких-то там маленьких витриночек. Teeth smile

Igeethecat    Sun, 17/06/2018 - 15:37

Window - is огромный стеклянный фасад, маленькие будут window boxes or something like this. Pane is more like рама по-русски, то, что вокруг стекла

Так автор вроде бы тоже здесь. Но почему то нас игнорирует и не отвечает на вопросы Wink smile

Sophia_    Sun, 17/06/2018 - 15:37

Автор с детьми сидит, пока я на работе.

Ivan U7n    Sun, 17/06/2018 - 15:54

Ну не знаю, Cambridge defined "pane" as "a flat piece of glass, used in a window or door" и никак иначе. And it gived as an example precisely "a window pane". Но КМК даже если получается масло масленое, let it be. Regular smile

petit élève    Sun, 17/06/2018 - 15:57

"window pane"' is very common, as far as I know. It's used to describe raindrops trickling down a window, for instance.

Sophia_    Sun, 17/06/2018 - 12:41

Да, и спасибо всем за комментарии.

petit élève    Sun, 17/06/2018 - 16:00

rustling in wind -> that still doesn't work Regular smile
you might say "rustled by wind" though

falling never to cease -> does not sound great to me, but a native might think otherwise.

afraid to be myself -> rather "scary" than "afraid" ("afraid" refers to the locutor, while "scary" applies to the fact of being oneself)

Ivan U7n    Sun, 17/06/2018 - 16:45

Why though? Here it is a present participle of "rustle", not a noun. The only thing that I see missing is a damn article. But to the hell with it. Regular smile

"Cease" is used to rhyme with "peace". The whole construct with omitted "is" before "never" was thought like "I am never to stop trying".

"locutor"? What is this? Again this line omits some parts for the sake of the meter: (it's) Hard to be God, (still I'm) afraid to be myself. My choice of "afraid" is also influenced by the rhythm.

petit élève    Sun, 17/06/2018 - 17:32

well your damn missing article sounds pretty damn bad Regular smile
"in wind" really does not mean anything.
"rustled by wind" can work without an article though.

the locutor is the person singing. "I am afraid of something" vs. "something is frightening/scary"

Igeethecat    Sun, 17/06/2018 - 17:39

Oh, dumn us Russians for missing an article Regular smile
It is not natural for us, sorry Regular smile
This is why we need (and love) you

petit élève    Sun, 17/06/2018 - 17:43

Imagine a language with both articles and 7 cases declensions.
That would exceed the average human brain capacity.

Igeethecat    Sun, 17/06/2018 - 19:38

And I’ve never understand all those ‘perfect’ tenses... по-русски всё намного проще Wink smile
I had to google ‘declension’ and from what I understood, is ‘7’ just a number? because I think there’s many more Regular smile

petit élève    Sun, 17/06/2018 - 19:12

Oops... I wanted to replace "declension" with "case" but I forgot to cleanup Teeth smile

Romance languages have wonderfully expressive tenses. They concentrate a lot of meaning into the verbs.
Perfect/imperfect tenses work a bit like the perfective/imperfective Russian pairs, at least in the past, but lots of subtle extra usages differ quite a bit.

Ivan U7n    Sun, 17/06/2018 - 19:54

Old Russian also had a diverse set of tenses (all Slavic languages did in fact), but only the most simple ones survived to this day. But if you want to feel overwhelmed, look at Bulgarian verbs: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bulgarian_verbs. AFAIR they are the most close to the old Slavic verb system.
However development of languages sometimes leads them to strange results. The most curious example from the top of my head is Slovene FUTURE tense which is formed by an auxiliary verb and a PAST participle. Teeth smile

Ivan U7n    Sun, 17/06/2018 - 18:00

I've just recently thought that if Russian also had articles it would be a guaranteed nightmare to learn.
Still Greek I'm now trying to learn has both, thankfully there's only 4 cases but article forms depend on definiteness, gender AND case. So it is somewhat close. Teeth smile
Thankfully Bulgarian while having postposition articles has no cases or I'll be already doomed. But is does have a rather complex tense system. Regular smile

Gavin    Mon, 18/06/2018 - 10:06

Καλημέρα
Τι κάνετε;

I've just got back from Greece! Interesting language - I studied it a bit while out there. Seems very logical.

I probably won't pursue it for now though as I have not got a return visit planned in the near future. Regular smile

Ivan U7n    Mon, 18/06/2018 - 10:42

Ευχαριστώ, είμαι καλά!

And I'm going to Greece in two weeks. Regular smile I've tried to learn Greek with DuoLingo and it wasn't very successful. But now I've got a self-studying guide so hopefully things will improve. At least now I can read it without making my eye bleed. Wink smile

makis17    Mon, 18/06/2018 - 10:52

Καλή επιτυχία!!

Gavin    Mon, 18/06/2018 - 10:57

Ah enjoy! it was lovely and warm last week, my attempts to speak it were pretty ropey but always well recieved Regular smile

If you can get hold of the Michel Thomas course it's pretty good for a quick start.

I didn't find duolingo great for getting started in Greek either but think it might be better once one's made a bit of progress.

Ivan U7n    Mon, 18/06/2018 - 11:19

Thanks, I'll try! The book I've got is in Russian, for after coming upon some strange English in duolingo (there is no Russian course) I don't trust English texts for learning Greek, at least for now. Teeth smile

Ivan U7n    Sun, 17/06/2018 - 19:31

I've fixed the wind, but I fear I can't think of something passive and fitting the rhythm with being oneself. But the original here (at least I think so) implies "мне" thus "to be myself". Considering the original and the omitted verbs in my translation I don't think this sentence can be improved without giving it another meaning altogether.

petit élève    Sun, 17/06/2018 - 20:04

I don't really agree with that, but it's not a big deal. The Russian can be interpreted both ways (implied мне or a general statement), but The English simply mixes a general statement with a personal one. "afraid" implies "I'm afraid", but "hard" doesn not imply "I'm hard"' Teeth smile

Igeethecat    Sun, 17/06/2018 - 20:11

What are you talking about?

Ivan U7n    Sun, 17/06/2018 - 20:29

The line about a lousy God and the fear to be oneself.

Igeethecat    Sun, 17/06/2018 - 20:43

И какие проблемы (упуская из внимания артикли)?

petit élève    Sun, 17/06/2018 - 20:56

The Russian is quite symetrical, while the English is not. That reads pretty poorly: "Everybody finds it hard to be god, but I'm afraid to be myself".
At least I would use "and" instead of "but". The formal constraints are hurting the meaning quite a bit here.

And btw. I wonder if this alludes to the Strugasky brother's novel?

Igeethecat    Sun, 17/06/2018 - 21:00

So, the problem is with “afraid”?

petit élève    Sun, 17/06/2018 - 21:02

Yes. For some reason Ivan does not like "scary", but I have long given up on these weird Russian stress patterns...

Ivan U7n    Sun, 17/06/2018 - 21:30

I really like "scary", but this line is hard to match perfectly and keep the English sane at the same time. I tried hard to come up with something else, but have given up. It is now "scary" with a footnote indicating that this line isn't fully identical to the original. Confused smile

As for the reference, only the author can tell, directly or via Sophia. Regular smile

Sophia_    Mon, 18/06/2018 - 11:22

Я должна сказать, что автор несколько смущён таким пристальным разбором по полочкам его песни.
Что касается строчки "Трудно быть богом, страшно быть собой"
1) аллюзия на повесть Стругацких
2) это об эгоцентризме, когда человек пытается играть роль Бога, но конечно у него это не получается. А быть собой страшно.

Ivan U7n    Mon, 18/06/2018 - 11:28

Well, It's really your fault. Regular smile To make a good singable translation there is no other way than to dismantle the original and then to create a translation from the resulting pieces.

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