В золоте осени (English translation)

Advertisements
Russian

В золоте осени

 
В золоте, золоте, золоте осени
Шелковый воздух и чудесные сны.
В шорохе, шорохе, шорохе палой листвы
Странные мысли и тени весны.
 
А с неба искры дождя,
Остановить их нельзя.
Резво пронзают туманные дни
Искры надежды тепла и любви..
 
Трудно быть Богом, страшно быть собой.
В золоте осени кто-то другой
Бродит по зеркалам луж и в витринах домов
Тени спасенья и дорога домой.
 
А с неба искры дождя,
Остановить их нельзя.
Резво пронзают туманные дни
Искры надежды тепла и любви... (х2)
 
Last edited by Sophia_ on Sun, 17/06/2018 - 12:42
Align paragraphs
English translation

In the Gold of the Fall [Singable]

Versions: #1#2#3
In the gold, in the gold, in the gold of the fall
silky-smooth air induce magnificent dreams.
Thanks to leaves, fallen leaves rustled by wind
more than strange thoughts revive shadows of spring.
 
And sparks of rain from the sky
are falling never to cease.
They swiftly pierce through the mist of dull days,
these sparks of hope, of affection and peace.
 
Being God’s trying, being oneself’s grim.
Someone, not me, in the gold of the fall
wanders in mirrors of pools and within window panes.
Shelter of shadow is a route back to home.
 
And sparks of rain from the sky
are falling never to cease.
They swiftly pierce through the mist of dull days,
these sparks of hope, of affection and peace.
 
This work (if it isn’t sourced) is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 4.0 International License. Don’t forget to press the green "Thanks!" button if my translation was helpful (no registration’s required).
Submitted by Ivan U7n on Wed, 13/06/2018 - 20:04
Added in reply to request by Sophia_
Last edited by Ivan U7n on Mon, 18/06/2018 - 06:10
Author's comments:

This is a singable (equirhythimic – rhythmically identical) translation. As a result the translation is not quite literal, although as close to the original as possible.

See also
Comments
Igeethecat    Sun, 17/06/2018 - 21:53

Бояться себя - not to ‘be scared of’, nor to ‘be afraid of’ either

Alexander Laskavtsev    Tue, 19/06/2018 - 06:35
petit élève escreveu:

And btw. I wonder if this alludes to the Strugasky brother's novel?

It is... Wink smile

Ivan U7n    Sun, 17/06/2018 - 20:26

Yeah, I know two parts differ in a person and are somewhat confusing when put together, but "hard" does imply "it's". Otherwise it sounds like "I'm eager to be God". Teeth smile
If I had more syllables, I would write something like "it's hard to be God, it's scary to be oneself" or "I'm lousy at being God, but afraid to be myself", But alas there's only 10 syllables and a strange stress pattern to boot.

sandring    Mon, 18/06/2018 - 05:56

Ваня, if you insist on it being a singable here's an option
Трудно быть Богом, страшно быть собой = Being God's trying, being yourself's grim. Well. it's hard without the actual music Regular smile

Ivan U7n    Mon, 18/06/2018 - 06:04

Well this is much better than any of my attempts. For whatever reason I haven't thought about a construct like this. It is even more or less identical to the meter. The song can be found on Sophia's VKontake page.

Brat    Mon, 18/06/2018 - 09:18
Ivan U7n escreveu:

Well this is much better than any of my attempts.

That's because the gerund is a must here. Wink smile

Brat    Tue, 19/06/2018 - 19:13

Well, considering the hint to the Strugatsky Br. novel, I'd say that "trying" is not that close to the meaning. I would rather say "troublesome", but it has 3 syllables while we need 2 ones. I didn't hear the music, but maybe it's possibe to foist it in between the licks? Otherwise, "vexing" or "tiresome" are not so good as it but stand on a par with "trying". Maybe even "painful" will do the job better, having in mind the plot of the novel. The second part of the line is even worse because neither "grim" nor "dire" would match the meaning. They both mean "bodeful" while the original implies "scary" or "frightening". Sad smile

sandring    Fri, 22/06/2018 - 00:44

I'll tell you what, Bro. If I were to translate Strugatsky's novel I would translate the title as It's Trying to be God. Meaning it's a hard challenge. As for Grim, we must have a one-syllable synonym for scary which is what???? What's the use of your three-syllable options? We all can give a hundred. Here we must take a closer look at the Russian meaning. Страшно быть собой I don't think Scary is an option here at all. Страшно because it's too hard a challenge. It may easily fail. Mission hardly possible. And something that worries you because there's no hope is grim. Grim is no synonym to bodeful. Bodeful is very aggressive in implication. Grim is sad and pessimistic. Btw, what is страшная? Смерть Is the first association. English? Grim death. Well, I can always hide behind William's back "Grim death, how foul and loathsome is thine image" Bro, I hope you wouldn't call Willie's choice "even worse"? Regular smile

Brat    Fri, 22/06/2018 - 01:59
sandring escreveu:

I'll tell you what, Bro. If I were to translate Strugatsky's novel I would translate the title as It's Trying to be God. Meaning it's a hard challenge.

So it was translated ->https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hard_to_Be_a_God BTW, "trying" implies that one finally coped with the task, but the hero of the Strugatsky's novel didn't, as you may remember. Sad smile But nevertheless "trying" is a fair match of the original meaning "nearly impossible".

sandring escreveu:

As for Grim, we must have a one-syllable synonym for scary which is what???? What's the use of your three-syllable options? We all can give a hundred. Here we must take a closer look at the Russian meaning. Страшно быть собой I don't think Scary is an option here at all. Страшно because it's too hard a challenge. It may easily fail. Mission hardly possible. And something that worries you because there's no hope is grim. Grim is no synonym to bodeful. Bodeful is very aggressive in implication. Grim is sad and pessimistic. Btw, what is страшная? Смерть Is the first association. English? Grim death. Well, I can always hide behind William's back "Grim death, how foul and loathsome is thine image" Bro, I hope you wouldn't call Willie's choice "even worse"? Regular smile

Ha-ha-ha, we're talking about being, not death. If that goes further, will you write something like: "To die or not to die-that is the option"? In my humbliest opinion, it's more like about a kind of existential fear (projective, unconcsious -> scary) of being oneself that cannot be rendered by this "grim". But I might be mistaken because I've never rolled profoundly into this topic.
Nevertheless I understand this as if it was a phobia like that arachnophobia, for instance. It means when an arachnophobe sees a spider, he or she won't think about how hard it is to challenge taking it in hand (having in mind that the vast majority (99,9%) of the spiders you may ever come across are completely innoculuous) - he'll simply be scared to death. Regular smile

sandring    Mon, 18/06/2018 - 06:07

Vania, it's absolutely identical to the meter because that was the point. Cheers! Regular smile

St. Sol    Fri, 22/06/2018 - 01:09

On the subject of equirhythmicity: the challenge is to preserve the original meter with a NATURAL stress pattern in the translation (i.e. to avoid stressing prepositions, articles, unstressed syllables in common words, etc.). Unfortunately that has not been accomplished here:
.
В зОлоте, зОлоте, зОлоте Осени == In the gold, In the gold, In the gold Of the fall
.
As you can see, only prepositions are stressed in the 1st line, hence there is a significant room for improvement.
Regards, St.

Ivan U7n    Sat, 23/06/2018 - 09:44

Not everything here is to my liking too, but my translation for the time being is frozen, for there will never be a recorded demo otherwise. Regular smile

Pages