Les roses de Saadi (English translation)

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Proofreading requested
French

Les roses de Saadi

J’ai voulu ce matin te rapporter des roses,
Mais j’en avais tant pris dans mes ceintures closes
Que les nœuds trop serrés n’ont pu les contenir.
 
Les nœuds ont éclaté. Les roses envolées
Dans le vent, à la mer s’en sont allées.
Elles ont suivi l’eau pour ne plus revenir.
 
La vague en a paru rouge et comme enflammée.
Ce soir, ma robe encore en est toute embaumée...
Respires-en sur moi, l’odorant souvenir.
 
Submitted by simlook on Mon, 24/10/2016 - 16:35
Last edited by Ainoa on Fri, 06/01/2017 - 21:17
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English translation

Saadi's Flowers

I wanted to bring you roses this morning,
But I had taken so many of them into my closed belts
So many that the tight knots couldn't contain them.
 
The knots broke. The roses flew
In the wind, to the sea they went.
They followed the water, never to return.
 
They turned the waves red, as if they were ablaze.
Tonight, my dress still carries their scent....
Breathe it in from me, the fragrant memory
 
Si vous voyez une erreur, dites-moi svp.
N'hésitez pas à utiliser mes traductions où vous voulez si vous pensez qu'elles sont assez bien :)
If you see an error, please tell me.
Feel free to use my translations wherever you want to if you think that they're good enough :)
Submitted by La Fille avec le Visage on Mon, 24/10/2016 - 17:13
Last edited by La Fille avec le Visage on Sun, 28/10/2018 - 20:46
The author of translation requested proofreading.
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If you are proficient in both languages of the language pair, you are welcome to leave your comments.
More translations of "Les roses de Saadi"
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Comments
soleilfletri    Wed, 26/10/2016 - 15:42
Vote has been deleted.

Not sure, but I think the "en" word should be mentioned somehow in English too. Like in the first verse "but I had taken so much OF THEM.." and in the last verse "breathe IT on me.."

petit élève    Wed, 26/10/2016 - 15:55

as the tight... -> plutôt "so much... *that* the tight..."

to the point of no return -> ça fait un peu moderne pour un poème du 19ème
"never to return" peut-être?

appeared, red and inflamed -> ça voudrait dire "la vague est apparue. Elle était rouge et irritée" ("inflamed" c'est plutôt médical)
plutôt "they(les roses) turned the waves red, as if ablaze" ou qq ch comme ça

toute embaumée -> comme "pleine d'un délicieux parfum", pas comme la momie de Lénine Regular smile
"tonight my dress is still full of their fragrance" ou qq chose comme ça

Respires-en sur moi , l'odorant souvenir -> elle lui propose de sentir sa robe pour évoquer le souvenir des roses
"breathe their perfumed memories off me" ou qq chose comme ça

Gavin    Wed, 26/10/2016 - 16:04

better...

But I would say "Breathe it in from me, the fragrant memory"
(or inhale it from me)

"off me" although pretty common isn't very elegant.

:-)

petit élève    Wed, 26/10/2016 - 17:07

you're right, that would ruin the mood.
I wonder if repeating "fragrant" would do. French is really allergic to repetitions, but that might be OK in English

Gavin    Wed, 26/10/2016 - 18:17

Ah yes... maybe change the first one to "tonight my dress still carries their scent".
Or use "scented", or even "sweetly scented" in the second instance. That could work. :-)

La Fille avec le Visage    Wed, 26/10/2016 - 23:21

Merci beaucoup pour leurs suggestions Regular smile They really help me in understanding the song better! I will add your suggestions into the translation in a minute.

Dominic Jake King Lim    Thu, 18/10/2018 - 03:45

Hello,

Rapporter should be "bring" not "give". As a native English speaker, it is much more sentimental if you say "bring" too because it invokes more effort on the writers end, like she loved her lover so much that she took extra effort to gather the roses.