Bajo mi cielo andaluz (English translation)

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Proofreading requested
English translation

Under My Andalusian Sky

Versions: #1#2
The light of the sky of my Andalusia,
is like the reflection of a sharp knife.
And even the guitar sings and vibrates on its own
with the magic charm of some fandango.
 
Its light, like laughter of a cheerful bell,
is the wonder of its splendor.
It's like a ballad that the air shells
under the gaze of its clear sun.
 
Andalusian sky, the one of the May Crosses,
the one that has filled my courtyard with merry laughter,
Andalusian sky of incomparable splendor,
under your bright stars there are two ruffian
eyes of a Spanish face.
 
The fever in the blood, the soul in your eyes,
the moon above you, the wine in the cane.
He, who has not enjoyed the Andalusian night,
shouldn't say he ever lived in Spain.
 
He shouldn't say he ever heard a ballad,
nor that he knows what love is,
if he has not been drunk of the Andalusian night
looking into the eyes of some woman.
 
Andalusian sky, the one of the May Crosses,
the one that has filled my courtyard with merry laughter,
Andalusian sky of incomparable splendor,
under your bright stars there are two ruffian
eyes of a Spanish face.
 
Copyright®: Andrzej Pałka.

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Submitted by Aldefina on Wed, 05/02/2014 - 17:53
Added in reply to request by roster 31
Last edited by Aldefina on Thu, 06/12/2018 - 13:46
Author's comments:

The "Fiesta de las Cruces" ("Festival of the Crosses") or "Cruz de Mayo" ("May Cross") is a holiday celebrated 3 May in many parts of Spain and Hispanic America.

The author of translation requested proofreading.
It means that he/she will be happy to receive corrections, suggestions etc about the translation.
If you are proficient in both languages of the language pair, you are welcome to leave your comments.
Spanish

Bajo mi cielo andaluz

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Comments
roster 31    Wed, 05/02/2014 - 19:27

Thank you, Aldefina. I'll be with you shortly.

Aldefina    Wed, 05/02/2014 - 19:37

Thank you, Rosa. I'll be waiting.

roster 31    Thu, 06/02/2014 - 15:26

Hola, Aldefina! Good job! Just minor changes (if any):
!. Title - For me, no article, simply, "Andalusian sky". The article seems to limit the expression.
2. First verse - You can say "this sky". Again, seems to make it more personal and worm.
3. I always said "Por el sortilegio...", and I think it is "por-by". I may change the original.
4. Say 'fandanguillo". (Make a note if necessary).
5. "It's" sb. "its", no apostrophy / "laughing' sb. "laughter". (This, do)
Chorus
First verse - "...the one of the May crosses" (plural). You don't need "skies" at the end.
Second stanza
1. "the moon above" or "in the high"
2. "couldn't ever say" or "don't let him ever say"
3. "...of any woman" (?)
I would keep 'copla' in Spanish.

Aldefina    Sun, 09/02/2014 - 17:19

Thank you, Rosa.

I decided not to change the first verse, because what I wrote was intentional - I didn’t translate it literally, because what I wrote sounds (for me) better.

After listening to the song I have made two small corrections in the Spanish lyrics that you uploaded earlier - it is now:
- “Bajo tus luceros son (it was - “hay”) dos bandoleros” (in the chorus) - no need for any corrections in translation,
- “que (added) el alma en los ojos - I added “like” (s.2 v.2).

As for “con el sortilegio” this is what’s in the song, so please don’t change it.

“Fandanguillo” is a Spanish word that many people would probably don’t understand (I have heard it for the first time in this song), so I’ll leave it translated. Anyway, “fandango” sounds almost the same.

The same applies to “copla”. It means also couplet or verse, but I think “ballad” fits here better.

I had a problem what to write in the last verse. “Alguna” - means “any” but I didn’t like how it sounded in English, that’s why I decided not to translate it literally.

And what to you think translating it simply as: “of a nice woman”?
This way I would avoid the problem.

roster 31    Sun, 09/02/2014 - 20:40

O.K. Aldefina, it is your translation, keep your interpretation. But:
I don't understand why you changed the original "SON dos bandoleros" and in the translation you say "there are" (?). One more detail: "bajo" (position) and "son" (characteristics) don't go together.
Estribillo - "que" doesn't go there. He is just enumerating things, no giving reasons.
The last verse is fine as is.
In my opinion, those flamenco words give flavor to the song.

roster 31    Thu, 06/12/2018 - 13:09

Andrzej, completa tu gran trabajo ajustando el título.

Mi más sinceras gracias.

roster 31    Thu, 06/12/2018 - 13:45

Andrzej, ¿por qué no dices "Under my..." ?

Aldefina    Thu, 06/12/2018 - 13:56

Otra vez algo me pasó por alto. Es lo que pasa cuando tienes prisa. Ya lo cambié. Gracias.

Fue una de mis primeras traducciones y no todo lo que escribí me gustó. Por eso corregí muchos versos, especialmente en la segunda parte. Mira si ahora todo te gusta.