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Некрасивая девочка

Среди других играющих детей
Она напоминает лягушонка.
Заправлена в трусы худая рубашонка,
Колечки рыжеватые кудрей
Рассыпаны, рот длинен, зубки кривы,
Черты лица остры и некрасивы.
Двум мальчуганам, сверстникам её,
Отцы купили по велосипеду.
Сегодня мальчики, не торопясь к обеду,
Гоняют по двору, забывши про неё,
Она ж за ними бегает по следу.
Чужая радость так же, как своя,
Томит ее и вон из сердца рвётся,
И девочка ликует и смеётся,
Охваченная счастьем бытия.
 
Ни тени зависти, ни умысла худого
Ещё не знает это существо.
Ей всё на свете так безмерно ново,
Так живо всё, что для иных мертво!
И не хочу я думать, наблюдая,
Что будет день, когда она, рыдая,
Увидит с ужасом, что посреди подруг
Она всего лишь бедная дурнушка!
Мне верить хочется, что сердце не игрушка,
Сломать его едва ли можно вдруг!
Мне верить хочется, что чистый этот пламень,
Который в глубине её горит,
Всю боль свою один переболит
И перетопит самый тяжкий камень!
И пусть черты её нехороши
И нечем ей прельстить воображенье, –
Младенческая грация души
Уже сквозит в любом её движенье.
А если это так, то что есть красота
И почему её обожествляют люди?
Сосуд она, в котором пустота,
Или огонь, мерцающий в сосуде?
 
Translation

Unattractive girl

Among a group of other playing kids,
This girl reminds me of a froglet.
Her tattered shirt, tucked into simple panties,
Peculiar and reddish rings of curls
Lie scattered, mouth- too long, teeth- little crooked,
Her facial features- sharp and unattractive.
There are two boys, about her age, for whom,
Their fathers got them bicycles they'd wanted.
All day today, forgetting 'bout their dinners,
They're riding round, forgetting about her,
While she's forever following their trail.
Another's happiness, as if it were her own,
Is teasing her and out the heart's erupting
This girl, both feeling wrapped and laughing,
Her being's been surrounded with joy.
 
No trace of jealousy, no single thought of malice
Have not approached this pure creature yet.
This world to her, immensely new and special
It screams of life, when others think it's dead!
Don't want to think while watching and observing,
There'll come a day, when in the midst of crying
She'll learn in horror that among girlfriends
She's but a poor, unattractive lass!
A heart's no toy, I should like to believe it,
To break one is not easy on a whim!
I should like to believe, this pure flame which
Is burning brightly in her innermost domain
Can on its own get over all its pain
And melt to sludge the heaviest of boulders!
Let features those of hers be unattractive
Have nothing there to draw imagination,-
Her child-like soul, filled with grace,
'S already beaming in her every motion.
But if it's so, then what is beauty then
And why is it so deified by people?
Is it a vessel, filled with empty space,
Or burning flame that flickers in a vessel?
 
Comments
MityMity
   Sat, 17/08/2019 - 18:43

Thank you too, I'll tell you what, it was NOT easy, the hardest translation I've made so far.

MityMity
   Sat, 17/08/2019 - 18:56

Cheers, one vote is already more than I could ask for, never having done any of this sort of thing before.

BratBrat    Sat, 17/08/2019 - 19:17

перетопит -> will remelt (melt down)

sandringsandring    Sat, 17/08/2019 - 19:23

Nice job but some things need work, I guess.
1. Skinny are only people. A skimpy shirt?
2. Peculiar and reddish rings of curls - Sounds strange. Conspicuously reddish rings?
3. their dinner
4. got the bicycles (typo)

Sorry, must go now.

MityMity
   Sat, 17/08/2019 - 19:52

1. So clothing can be skinny, right? I've always thought so.
2. Peculiar, because everything about this girl is peculiar. She is like a little frog, remember?
3. Dinners, can be plural, especially when talking about different types of dinner, i.e. different boys' dinners.
https://www.wordhippo.com/what-is/the-plural-of/dinner.html
4. Fathers got them (their sons) bicycles. My father got me, her, them bicycles.
Thanks for keeping an eye on my English)))

MityMity
   Sat, 17/08/2019 - 19:40

ХА, ха! Хорошая загадка?
Тяжкий камень тянет ко дну и топит......Я не думал, что шла речь о плавлении? Если бы было: самый крепкий камень...другое дело.
Я думал "перетопить" автор имел ввиду "побороть/пережить утопление тяжёлым камнем" i.e. Out-sink, а не утонуть раньше камня. Как иначе по-русски можно это выразить, только "перетопит" и "тяжкий камень"?

Perhaps my Russian isn't what it used to be. So let's ask more people to chip in and give their opinion.
Then, I'll be more than happy to change it, if need be.

MityMity
   Sun, 18/08/2019 - 09:57

Поскольку вы были так восторжены моим первым переводом, считаю нужным сообщить, о "Завещании" Заболоцкого, в том же стиле. Почитайте, может понравится. Прокомментируйте.

MityMity
   Sat, 17/08/2019 - 19:56

Большой спасиб))). Eщё чуть-чуть, и русский полностью забуду))).

MityMity
   Sat, 17/08/2019 - 20:19

Приглашаю также посмотреть мою версию "Жил человек рассеянный" Маршака. Приятно от того, что упростил ребятишкам уродливый, до этого сделанный перевод википедии. Не знаю, может мой перевод и не такой хороший, как мне кажется. Мнение других важно...

Sophia_Sophia_
   Sun, 18/08/2019 - 09:59

Спасибо, Филипп! :)

SchnurrbratSchnurrbrat    Sat, 17/08/2019 - 20:36
MityMity
   Sat, 17/08/2019 - 20:50

Agree 100 %, Will be changed ASAP. Wise judgement, again. Two eyes good, six eyes better!

MityMity
   Sat, 17/08/2019 - 21:02

Out-sink replaced with Melt. Correction done.

sandringsandring    Sun, 18/08/2019 - 09:08

Listen, guys. Skinny is the name of a skinny fitting style, it's the name of a style and it's mainly for pants. And besides, this style is new, it doesn't work for the period when the poem was written. Anyway, talking fashion to males is a waste of time.

Dinner as a meal doesn't have the plural form. It may have the indefinite article only if preceeeded by an attribute like We had a quick dinner.

If it's used as a countable noun it has a different meaning - a party with dinner.

MityMity
   Sun, 18/08/2019 - 09:50

Please listen carefully and reconsider:
1. I understand what your are saying, however, the use of "Skinny" is perfectly justified as it agrees with the author's idea.
"Худая рубашонка", also sounds very unusual, as in Russian we normally use "Худой" to describe a person, and not an item of clothing.
As you can see, both in Russian and in English "Skinny shirt" is one that make a person look skinny. Just like a joke about "Crooked stockings", which make one's legs look bow-legged or crooked.
Why is it so difficult to understand?
2. I have no problems with dinner-S, apparently, neither does the web-site. When we do not talk about "dinner- come to dinner, have dinner" in general, but mention someone serving dinner-S, various dinners, school dinners etc, plural is perfectly acceptable. Just google "school dinners". https://learnenglishteens.britishcouncil.org/uk-now/read-uk/school-dinners
Come on, now, will ya???

Sophia_Sophia_
   Sun, 18/08/2019 - 09:58

Я почти уверена, что "худая рубашонка" - старая, ветхая, прохудившаяся.

MityMity
   Sun, 18/08/2019 - 10:02

Спасибо вам за разъясненье. Ваш русский-лучше моего.
Исправлено.

MityMity
   Sat, 17/08/2019 - 21:08

Завтра сделаю "Завещание" Заболоцкого, коли Мы так его любим, и оно в Топ 3. А потом уйду на заслуженный отдых...)))

Sophia_Sophia_
   Sun, 18/08/2019 - 09:57

The layout of the original lyrics has been changed.
You might want to update you translation as well.

MityMity
   Sun, 18/08/2019 - 09:59

Layout's been corrected. Thanks.

sandringsandring    Sun, 18/08/2019 - 11:52

Жаль, school dinners and they had their dinner - совершенно разные значения как chocolate и chocolates. Das ist бесполезно. Худой мир лучше доброй ссоры.

MityMity
   Sun, 18/08/2019 - 11:59

DINNERS in a sense of MEALS is always plural. I shan't be convinced! LDOCE, Dinner: 1. [Countable/uncountable]
2. [countable] Yours is the second example, mine is the first.
Please, stop arguing, and just accept what is the proper linguistic knowledge. I am not saying anymore on this head.
https://www.ldoceonline.com/dictionary/dinner

sandringsandring    Sun, 18/08/2019 - 12:05

You say you're an English teacher? Well, I don't know. That link only proves what I have earlier said. And mind you, it's in English, not Sanskrit :)

MityMity
   Sun, 18/08/2019 - 12:49

Perhaps this will clarify your unrelenting logical confusion:

ONE DINNER: My dinner, your dinner, the SAME ONE DINNER, OUR DINNER: CORRECT!
TWO DINNERS: My OWN dinner, Your OWN dinner, TWO DIFFERENT DINNERS, OUR (separate) DINNER-SSS: CORRECT!

This is how it is:

1. You regard DINNER as a whole/general concept, no problem with that.
2. I view DINNERS, in this example, as TWO separate MEALS, of two different people. Period!

In my example, however, there is no confusion which may arise as a result of generalisation, i.e. the two boys aren't going to have the SAME dinner.

We are BOTH CORRECT.

MityMity
   Sun, 18/08/2019 - 12:13

И мальчики, забыв про их велосипеды, And boys, forgetting about their cycles,
И мальчки, забыв про их обеды, And boys, forgetting about their dinners,
И мальчики, забыв про их блюда, And boys, forgetting about their meals.

You must have leaned about logic from ancient Sanskrit writings. Or, perhaps, I shall refer you to a native speaker of English (my wife) by my side, who has no issues with DINNERS, whatsoever. Because it seems your knowledge is all but lacking.

BlackSea4everBlackSea4ever    Sun, 18/08/2019 - 12:26

Mity, I hope your wife also has an opinion on civility. You should know that Sandring is a well respected member of our community. You also need to know, at your age and profession, that sharp rebukes aren't necessary - guys slay me for my mistakes with humor. And if you do disagree strongly, don't make it public - use PM feature to exchange private messages.
I enjoyed your additions and translations. Thanks.

MityMity
   Sun, 18/08/2019 - 13:07

I know that, mate. I am sorry, I cannot quietly observe pigheadedness.
I had done my bit, having presented Sandring with my research, which she apparently, because of her "HIGH STATUS", refused to accept.
It's too late now to say who should have PM'd who, status or no status, we are all people of equal rights. Just keep in mind, I was the one jumped on, BY HER, about the correction of certain words, which I have all successfully refuted. Being respected member gives one no immunity from making mistakes.......and having to admit it when they are in the wrong.
Besides, had I kept our "sharp" conversation quiet, think of how many Russian members would have missed out on learning about the wonders of English grammar.
Thanks for the good words re: my translating activity here. Cheers.

sandringsandring    Mon, 19/08/2019 - 11:33

First of all, обед is lunch, not dinner. So you might as well change your dinners into their lunches. What do I care? When you said your wife is English I finally understood your own definition of your own English "Next to native"  ;)

MityMity
   Mon, 19/08/2019 - 11:46

Good one, Nadia.

(I've never claimed my English to be perfect, but...
It's miles better than the skills of others here, though.)

BratBrat    Mon, 19/08/2019 - 12:02

Эй, товарищи! Вы Майти
Напрочь кайф-то не ломайте!
Может быть, его клещи -
Лишь прикрытье от мощи...
;)

St. SolSt. Sol    Mon, 19/08/2019 - 12:20

Mity, in case you didn't know she is always like that unless dealing with her favorites and their works: in this case, a complete misunderstanding of the source, wild interpretations, and poor grammar are all A-Ok and actually laudable. Go figure.

JadisJadis    Sun, 18/08/2019 - 12:36

There is one point that made me raise an eyebrow, it's this "being being". I guess that grammatically it's correct (1st=noun, 2nd=present participle), but this phonetical repetition doesn't sound great to my ear (and makes me think of the comedy called Boeing Boeing ) ;)
 

BlackSea4everBlackSea4ever    Sun, 18/08/2019 - 12:42

And, Mity, you should also know that we all strive (or should) to sound great to Jadis' ear. Joking.

JadisJadis    Sun, 18/08/2019 - 12:55

Hmmm, talking about my ear, I just sent you a PM about some dubious rhyme you committed... ;)
 

BlackSea4everBlackSea4ever    Sun, 18/08/2019 - 13:13

oui mon général, give me few minutes - I'm looking for slippers online

JadisJadis    Sun, 18/08/2019 - 13:47

Preferably slippers, rather than bronze ashtrays or marble press-papers, please.

MityMity
   Sun, 18/08/2019 - 12:56

Jadis, I appreciate your comment.

The "Being being", is there for a reason, to produce a slightly unsettling sound effect to the ears.

For added impact, if you like.

BratBrat    Sun, 18/08/2019 - 13:45

You'd better apostrophize the second ''being'' for it sounds like :bein': because of diphthongization.

SchnurrbratSchnurrbrat    Sun, 18/08/2019 - 16:30
MityMity
   Sun, 18/08/2019 - 16:08

BRILLIANT POINT! Exactly right. English, just like Russian is not a rigid language whose rules are set in stone. English poetry sets an excellent example of that. Of course, one's language skills must be fairly advanced to fully appreciate it.

BratBrat    Sun, 18/08/2019 - 16:14

That's one of those rare cases where a literal straightforward translation might work fairly.
The actual meaning of the original "худой" is 'shabby', 'holey'.

sandringsandring    Tue, 20/08/2019 - 05:09

The lyrics have been edited. When first published the poem had two parts. Please, edit your translation. Thank you.

MityMity
   Tue, 20/08/2019 - 17:02

You have a point. For me this whole poem had a negative association. ))))))Child-like it is.