Jokes/Aνέκδοτα

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Super Member
<a href="/en/translator/igeethecat" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1365086">Igeethecat</a>
Joined: 16.12.2017

Мамбу тоже возродим?

Super Member
<a href="/en/translator/lunky" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1442798">Lunky</a>
Joined: 03.01.2020

The priest and the bus driver knocking on heaven's door. Saint Peter comes out, talk to them briefly, then he lets the bus driver in. The priest asks enraged:
- What about me? You don't let me in, the one who was spreading the gospel all his life? How could it be?
- Well, while you were preaching, everyone was sleeping. But when the bus driver was working, everyone prayed to God...

Editor Soldier of Love
<a href="/en/translator/flopsi" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1331196">Flopsi</a>
Joined: 12.03.2017

Donald Trump is visiting Angela Merkel for the first time in Berlin.
After some small talk he asks Angela Merkel: „What is the secret of your great success?“
Angela answers: „Well, you got to have a lot of intelligent people around yourself.“
“But how do you know who’s intelligent?”
“Let me show you!” Angela Merkel grabs the phone and calls Wolfgang Schäuble, asking him: “Mr. Schäuble just one question: It is the son of your father but it’s not your brother. Who is it?”
Wolfgang Schäuble shoots: “That’s quite simple. It’s me!”
Angela says: “See? That’s how I figure out who’s intelligent and who’s not.”

Donald Trump is delighted. After he’s back in the U.S. he calls Mike Pence: “Mike, just one question: It is the son of your father but it’s not your brother. Who is it?”
Mike Pence answers: “I’m sorry I just don’t know it right now but I’m going to figure it out by tomorrow.”
Mike Pence grabs the phone and calls Barack Obama: “Mr. Obama, could you help me? It is the son of your father but it’s not your brother. Who is it?”
Obama shoots: “That’s quite simple. It’s me!”

Happy and relieved Mike Pence runs up to Donald Trump and shouts: “I’ve got it. I’ve got it. It’s Barack Obama!”
Donald Trump is outraged and shouts back: “No, you stupid! It’s Wolfgang Schäuble!”

Editor
<a href="/en/translator/ahmad-aziz" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1320850">ahmad aziz</a>
Joined: 27.12.2016

😂

Super Member
<a href="/en/translator/lunky" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1442798">Lunky</a>
Joined: 03.01.2020

I sent this to a bunch of my friends and they all loved it, haha. Thanks for the laughs.

Editor Soldier of Love
<a href="/en/translator/flopsi" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1331196">Flopsi</a>
Joined: 12.03.2017

You're welcome! I love this joke-forum. It's always good to laugh.

Super Member
<a href="/en/translator/blacksea4ever" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1390089">BlackSea4ever</a>
Joined: 19.07.2018

Last year, 80 times more money was spent on breast plastic surgery and Viagra than on the Alzheimer's research.
If the trend continues, then in 30 years almost everyone in the world will have huge boobs and an iron erection - but, they will not be able to remember for what they needed these.

Super Member
<a href="/en/translator/blacksea4ever" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1390089">BlackSea4ever</a>
Joined: 19.07.2018

A good psychologist must convince the one who is born to crawl not that he CANNOT fly, but that he SHOULD NOT.

Super Member
<a href="/en/translator/blacksea4ever" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1390089">BlackSea4ever</a>
Joined: 19.07.2018

The wife asks about her husband’s health:
- Doctor! Is there any hope ?!
- Depends on what you’re hoping for...

Moderator
<a href="/en/translator/aldefina" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1152070">Aldefina</a>
Joined: 16.01.2013

Another naughty one: Embarrassed smile
- What's the difference between a hungry and a horny girl?
- It's the place she puts the cucumber!

Editor Soldier of Love
<a href="/en/translator/flopsi" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1331196">Flopsi</a>
Joined: 12.03.2017

Soccer EM should have startet on june 11th. There are some things why Germans are happy that it does not take place this time:
Finally men don't have to explain offside once again to their spouses.
We don't have to be upset about the German soccer team screwing up again.
And we don't have to watch Jogi Löw playing pocket soccer.
(And if you miss(ed) it - here you go: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DzJFL7qvQb4 )

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<a href="/en/translator/aldefina" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1152070">Aldefina</a>
Joined: 16.01.2013

Taschenbilliard. Teeth smile I love it.

Anyway everything applies even more to Polish soccer team. People still believe our team is as good as it was in the seventeens. What's more, our players, that play in the Bundesliga, doesn't seem to want to play when they play for Poland. Why? Perhaps because they don't get as much money. It's a shame.

Editor Soldier of Love
<a href="/en/translator/flopsi" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1331196">Flopsi</a>
Joined: 12.03.2017

Sure not everything. Jogi tickling his balls - okay, all men do that time after time - but checking the smell? This was just the funniest - or maybe the funkiest thing we've ever saw. Did he really forget that one camera is always on the coach? Jerk!

Super Member
<a href="/en/translator/lunky" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1442798">Lunky</a>
Joined: 03.01.2020

Oh, don't get me started about Hungarian soccer then. We're officially a laughing stock now. Especially if we compare it to the "glory days" of the 50s.

Editor Soldier of Love
<a href="/en/translator/flopsi" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1331196">Flopsi</a>
Joined: 12.03.2017

A father and his young son are going for a walk and they see dogs copulating. The son asks his father: "What are they doing?"
In the 50s he would have told him that one of them is blind and the other one is helping him to walk on... but this is now. So he told him: "They're making a little puppy."
Mother and father in the bedroom. The son comes in asking "What are you doing?" The father answers: "We're making a baby sister or baby brother for you." The son replies: "Can't you turn mom around? I'd rather have a little puppy."

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<a href="/en/translator/aldefina" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1152070">Aldefina</a>
Joined: 16.01.2013

A pair of elderly people came to a sex therapist:

- How can I help you?
- You see, doctor, we are not youngsters anymore and we wonder whether we don't have any problem with our sexual life, 'cause we are not sure. We would like to make love in front of you and let you watch and when we finish you will tell us whether everything was okay.

Therapist was very surprised, because the situation was very unusual, but he agreed. It was his job to help people, so why not? After all they'll have to pay for the consultation.

After they had finished he said:

- I see no problem, you have nothing to worry about. 100 $, please.

They paid and went away. About a week later they came again asking him to watch them again and again he didn't see any problem.

And then the situation started repeating every single week. He cashed them every time, so it was not a problem for him. Nevertheless after a couple of months out of curiosity he asked them why they come to him again and again when they clearly don't have any problem. The man replied:

- You see, it's very simple. We cannot go to me, because my wife is there. We cannot go to her, because her husband is there. The cheapest hotel would be 200 $. You charge only 100 $ and the insurance covers 70% of all medical costs, so it costs us only 30 $. As simple as that.

Editor Soldier of Love
<a href="/en/translator/flopsi" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1331196">Flopsi</a>
Joined: 12.03.2017

Dear God,
this year you called my favorite comedian Karl Dall to Yourself.
My favorite basketball player Kobe Bryant.
My favorite actor Sean Connery.
My favorite soccer player Maradonna.
My favorite politicians are: Donald Trump, Wladimir Putin and Recep Tayyip Erdoğan.

Super Member
<a href="/en/translator/blacksea4ever" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1390089">BlackSea4ever</a>
Joined: 19.07.2018

Donald Trump: I’d like to see Biden in a prison
Joe Biden: why would Trump think that I would visit him in a prison

Super Member
<a href="/en/translator/brat" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1334845">Brat</a>
Joined: 13.04.2017

Donald Trump is in a grump:
His passion for Biden is truly abiding.
Teeth smile

Super Member
<a href="/en/translator/blacksea4ever" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1390089">BlackSea4ever</a>
Joined: 19.07.2018

Looking at how people wear masks, I began to understand why condoms do not work.

Super Member
<a href="/en/translator/balkant%C3%BCrk" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1439077">Balkantürk</a>
Joined: 21.11.2019
Aldefina wrote:

Taschenbilliard. Teeth smile I love it.

Anyway everything applies even more to Polish soccer team. People still believe our team is as good as it was in the seventeens. What's more, our players, that play in the Bundesliga, doesn't seem to want to play when they play for Poland. Why? Perhaps because they don't get as much money. It's a shame.

Lewy case? or Piątek? Because well as far as I remember they are the 2 only Polish players who play the Bundesliga. In BiH our best player - Pjanić, and well Džeko but I am Pjanić fan, seems to want to leave BiH national selection because well we aren't good. Truly, we're officially a laughing stock now Teeth smile Also, well I don't think they get as much money as for example playing for Barça Wink smile

Editor Soldier of Love
<a href="/en/translator/flopsi" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1331196">Flopsi</a>
Joined: 12.03.2017

The loop of holidays:

Christmas - no more food
New Year - no more booze
Easter - no more fasting

Editor Soldier of Love
<a href="/en/translator/flopsi" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1331196">Flopsi</a>
Joined: 12.03.2017

My neighbors complained about my loud moaning during morning sex...
If only they knew...
...that's me trying to put on my socks.

Super Member
<a href="/en/translator/jadis" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1387945">Jadis</a>
Joined: 01.07.2018

A guy meets his doctor and tells him:
- Doctor, I know I'm done for, but I got nerves of steel. You can tell me the truth. Come on, how long am I still going to live?
The doctor looks at him earnestly, then shows him his open hand, with five fingers outstretched.
- Five ? But five what? Years? Months? Weeks?
The doctor remains silent.
- Five days ?
Says the doctor :
- Five... four... three…

(Thanks to Jean-Marie Bigard)

Super Member
<a href="/en/translator/jadis" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1387945">Jadis</a>
Joined: 01.07.2018

Another one, by the same.

A guy calls home, the maid picks up:
- Maria? Get me my wife on the phone.
- I can't, sir, she's busy.
- Busy? Busy doing what?
- She's busy in the upstairs bedroom with a gentleman.
- WHAT? Okay, listen Maria, here's what you're going to do. In my desk drawer, there is a revolver. You take the revolver, you go into the room, you shoot down both of them.
- All right, sir.
After a while the maid picks up the phone again.
- It's done, sir.
- Done ? Okay, now you take the two bodies, you throw them out the window into the swimming pool.
- The swimming pool ? What swimming pool, sir?
- Why, the swimming pool that is under the window of the bedroom!
- But there is no swimming pool under the bedroom window, sir.
- Huh? Is this not the 03.76.45 ...... ???

Super Member
<a href="/en/translator/blacksea4ever" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1390089">BlackSea4ever</a>
Joined: 19.07.2018

A matching entry... lol.
In my youth, I used to say "You cannot order your heart." How the list of body parts has increased by now...

The presence of a brain is an additional burden on the spine.

Super Member
<a href="/en/translator/blacksea4ever" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1390089">BlackSea4ever</a>
Joined: 19.07.2018

If it didn't work out the first time, the sport of parachuting is not for you!

Super Member
<a href="/en/translator/blacksea4ever" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1390089">BlackSea4ever</a>
Joined: 19.07.2018

Work is the place where you earn nervous stress, nervous tics, headaches and ulcers!
And on the payday you get some money for the treatments of the above earnings!

Super Member
<a href="/en/translator/igeethecat" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1365086">Igeethecat</a>
Joined: 16.12.2017

— Моня, ты шо, хочешь быть правым или таки здоровым?
— Ну шо ты, Сарочка, я просто хотел с тобой поговорить...
— Хотел поговорить, так молчи!

Super Member
<a href="/en/translator/blacksea4ever" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1390089">BlackSea4ever</a>
Joined: 19.07.2018

Today on the street I saw a man talking to his dog. He thought the dog understood him.
I came home and told the cat - we laughed for a long time.

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<a href="/en/translator/aldefina" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1152070">Aldefina</a>
Joined: 16.01.2013

According to the new laws introduced by the Polish PiSlamic government giving head is now forbidden in Poland, 'cause spitting out is like an abortion and swallowing is even worse - it's a cannibalism.

Super Member
<a href="/en/translator/brat" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1334845">Brat</a>
Joined: 13.04.2017

Could blowing nose be a sorta workaround?

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<a href="/en/translator/aldefina" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1152070">Aldefina</a>
Joined: 16.01.2013

I don't think so, but you may want to ask the man who rules Poland from the backseat, 'cause I may be wrong. It was just my interpretation of the laws prohibiting abortion and I'm not the only one who commentated it in a similar way.

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<a href="/en/translator/aldefina" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1152070">Aldefina</a>
Joined: 16.01.2013

After digesting it for a while I came to the conclusion that blowing nose couldn't be a workaround. No matter what the expression usually used instead "giving head" says, it's not about blowing, but sucking and licking. Embarrassed smile

Editor Soldier of Love
<a href="/en/translator/flopsi" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1331196">Flopsi</a>
Joined: 12.03.2017

Ah, I've always been wondering why it's called blowjob (in German it's the same "blasen").
I found 3 theories about it:
- it looks like you would blow up something (???)
- "below job" became "blowjob"
- it's related to the golden Swing and Jazz era, but in New Orleans not only trombones got blown- so "blow the trombone" turned to "blowjob"

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<a href="/en/translator/aldefina" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1152070">Aldefina</a>
Joined: 16.01.2013

BTW, a test for your imagination: Forgiveness means to swallow when you wanna spit.

I wonder how you understand it, 'cause if you understand it the way you do, then you're very naughty. Wink smile
The real meaning has nothing to do with what you understood. I will explain it after reading your comments.

Super Member
<a href="/en/translator/igeethecat" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1365086">Igeethecat</a>
Joined: 16.12.2017

Polish Drew, we forgive you 😻, don't spit!
And you are welcome to our Russian sandbox when you have time 🤣

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<a href="/en/translator/aldefina" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1152070">Aldefina</a>
Joined: 16.01.2013

Thank you for the invitation, Masha, but there's one problem: I don't have enough time. PiSlamic government has forbidden me to run my business and I have to fight to be able to survive, so I disappear for a long time and appear here only for a while. Sad smile

This may end only when COVID-19 ends, but as vaccination is a pure theory, I already started thinking whether it would ever end.

I only didn't get what you had meant saying "Drew".

Super Member
<a href="/en/translator/igeethecat" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1365086">Igeethecat</a>
Joined: 16.12.2017

Isn't your name Andrzej, Andrew in English, Андрей по-русски? I f not, I apologize.

Sorry to hear about your business. COVID sucks, and now it mutates, what sucks even more. Anyway, good luck!

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<a href="/en/translator/aldefina" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1152070">Aldefina</a>
Joined: 16.01.2013

Thanks for the explanation, Sha. Wink smile Looks like my imagination doesn't always work good enough. In case of the slogan I quoted it also didn't work.

We have a third wave of COVID now. The figures explode and we have not enough vaccines. The only good news is that I didn't catch it. So far...

Super Member
<a href="/en/translator/brat" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1334845">Brat</a>
Joined: 13.04.2017

Swallowing hatred instead of spitting it out works great until one's stomach begins to heave chock full of boiling anger.
Regular smile

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<a href="/en/translator/aldefina" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1152070">Aldefina</a>
Joined: 16.01.2013

Yeah, that's it. That slogan (or similar ones) is visible at the entrances of some churches in the USA. At first when I saw the picture I thought it was a fake. Only later I realized what was meant.

And another religious slogan: The best position is on your knees. It seems to fit well with the first one. Devil smile

Super Member
<a href="/en/translator/blacksea4ever" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1390089">BlackSea4ever</a>
Joined: 19.07.2018

Hmm.

Aldefina wrote:

According to the new laws introduced by the Polish PiSlamic government giving head is now forbidden in Poland, 'cause spitting out is like an abortion and swallowing is even worse - it's a cannibalism.

Followed by

Aldefina wrote:

government has forbidden me to run my business.

Hmm. One could form a wrong conclusion about this....🤔😉

Jokes aside, we also can’t get a vaccine yet in my neck of the woods. Hope it will change soon everywhere. And it isn’t yet clear how long the vaccine’s protection would last and how would people know they might need a subsequent shot.
Stay safe, everyone.

Super Member
<a href="/en/translator/blacksea4ever" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1390089">BlackSea4ever</a>
Joined: 19.07.2018

секс в мыслях мужчин опасен в двух случаях:
- если в мыслях всегда только секс
- если секс всегда только в мыслях…

sex in the minds of men is dangerous in two situations:
- if there is always only sex in the thoughts
- if sex is always only in thoughts ...

Super Member
<a href="/en/translator/lunky" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1442798">Lunky</a>
Joined: 03.01.2020

That's so true! And it sucks when you unleash all the pent-up rage on the ones who don't deserve it.

Super Member
<a href="/en/translator/igeethecat" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1365086">Igeethecat</a>
Joined: 16.12.2017

We were driving on a road and I see a sign "Drink and drive". I cheer "Oh, yeah, finally!" A mile pass - another sign "Loose your license"

Super Member
<a href="/en/translator/brat" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1334845">Brat</a>
Joined: 13.04.2017
Igeethecat wrote:

Loose

Ow, you saw it double after just a mile of drinking. Regular smile

Super Member
<a href="/en/translator/igeethecat" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1365086">Igeethecat</a>
Joined: 16.12.2017

I react fast, especially when nooot driving🤣

Super Member
<a href="/en/translator/brat" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1334845">Brat</a>
Joined: 13.04.2017
Lunky wrote:

you unleash all the pent-up rage on the ones who don't deserve it.

Yet it's the likeliest scenario.

Super Member
<a href="/en/translator/lunky" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1442798">Lunky</a>
Joined: 03.01.2020

I finally understood what the 69 position means. You wake up at 6am and go to sleep at 9pm.

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