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Грузинских женщин имена (Gruzinskikh zhenshchin imena) (English translation)

Грузинских женщин имена

Там в море паруса плутали,
и, непричастные жаре,
медлительно цвели платаны
и осыпались в ноябре.
 
И лавочка в старинном парке
бела вставала и нема,
и смутно виноградом пахли
грузинских женщин имена.
 
Они переходили в лепет,
который к морю выбегал
и выплывал, как черный лебедь,
и странно шею выгибал.
 
Смеялась женщина Ламара,
бежала по камням к воде,
и каблучки по ним ломала,
и губы красила в вине.
 
И мокли волосы Медеи,
вплетаясь утром в водопад,
и капли сохли, и мелели,
и загорались невпопад.
 
И, заглушая олеандры,
собравши все в одном цветке,
витало имя Ариадны
и растворялось вдалеке.
 
Едва опершийся на сваи,
там приникал к воде причал.
"Цисана!" - из окошка звали.
"Натэла!" - голос отвечал...
 
Submitted by SchnurrbratSchnurrbrat on Wed, 16/12/2020 - 22:34
Last edited by SchnurrbratSchnurrbrat on Wed, 12/05/2021 - 17:50
Submitter's comments:

1965.

English translationEnglish (equirhythmic, poetic)
Align paragraphs

Georgian Women’s Given Names

Far in the sea white sails were roaming,
And there, ignoring heat at all,
Tall sycamores were slowly blooming
To drop their leaves again in fall.
 
Inside the ancient park’s enclosure
A bench was standing mute and plain;
A vague scent of grapes brought closer
The Georgian women’s given names.
 
And soon they formed a distant ramble
That ran towards the sparkling sea,
And like a black swan it would trumpet,
And bend its neck for all to see.
 
A woman by the name Lamára
Ran, laughing, on the pebble beach;
She broke her heels with all this running,
And used red wine to paint her lips.
 
Medéa’s hair was soaking, weaving
Into a waterfall at dawn;
And moisture drops were disappearing,
Were lighting up, but soon were gone.
 
And, drowning out the oleanders,
Collecting each thing in one bloom,
There came a name of Ariádna
To hover and recede from view.
 
Above the water, slightly leaning,
A wharf stands still on skinny piles.
"Tsisána!" – one calls from the window.
"Natéla!" – other voice replies.
 
Thanks!
thanked 5 times
This is a poetic translation - deviations from the meaning of the original are present (extra words, extra or omitted information, substituted concepts).

© Schnurrbrat
Critique is always welcomed (proof-read or not, negative too).

Submitted by SchnurrbratSchnurrbrat on Tue, 04/05/2021 - 22:07
Last edited by SchnurrbratSchnurrbrat on Wed, 12/05/2021 - 17:50
Author's comments:

I think that the original meter could be defined as a iambic tetrameter, although most lines have only three stressed syllables. A traditional ABAB rhyming pattern with alternating feminine and masculine endings.

Comments
IremiaIremia    Wed, 05/05/2021 - 01:21

Очень красиво, 42! 👍😊👏
Немножечко только подправить в некоторых местах:

A vague scent of grapes brought (up) closer
The Georgian women’s given names.

And soon they formed a distant ramble
That r(an) towards the sparkling sea,
And like a black swan it would trumpet,
And bend its neck for all to see.

A woman by the name Lamára
R(an) (or runs), laughing, on the pebble beach;

SchnurrbratSchnurrbrat    Wed, 05/05/2021 - 01:28

thanks, I changed this swan/ramble verse ten times already, not happy at all with it. Overall, this translation is a disaster in terms of verb tenses consistency.
Maybe I should go with "they (names) would trumpet, ... their necks.."? The way it is now, it's really hard to understand what this all about. Any advice on that?

IremiaIremia    Wed, 05/05/2021 - 01:51

I think it’s understandable that you are talking about ramble that like a black swan would trumpet and bend its neck.

SchnurrbratSchnurrbrat    Thu, 06/05/2021 - 01:06

Ira, I need help with one more girly thing: I wanted to use: she broke her heels .... in place of " her shoe heels" but I was afraid that it will look like a sports injury scene. I think it's impossible to break a heel in our body, only ankles. Am I right?

IremiaIremia    Thu, 06/05/2021 - 10:46

A girl would always understand that “the heels” refers to the shoes and not a part of our anatomy lol!!! I don’t know what a guy would think 😉

But yes, it’s possible to smash a heel bone or calcaneus bone.

SchnurrbratSchnurrbrat    Thu, 06/05/2021 - 03:48

Thanks, I will go with heels then. Me thinks ankle ligaments will be torn prior to the heel bone injury. But let's not get into this. I saw enough of this in RL and on TV.

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