Как много тех, с кем можно лечь в постель (Kak mnogo tekh, s kem mozhno lech' v postel') (English translation)

English translationEnglish (metered, poetic)

How Many Those With Whom You’d Go to Bed

Versions: #1#2#3#4#5
How many those with whom you’d go to bed;
How few of those, with whom you’d like to waken.
And parting in the morning you would wave your hand,
And turn around, and smile, and start your waiting,
For any news from them, while worrying with no end.
How many those with whom you merely live,
And drink your morning coffee, talk, and squabble;
With whom it’s possible to travel to the sea;
And, as it goes, in good times or in times of trouble,
You stay together, only love is not a thing.
How few of those with whom you want to dream!
To watch the clouds transforming in the heaven,
To scribble on the virgin snow a special message,
To give all thoughts and prayers to the one you cherish,
And not to seek or wish for greater bliss.
How few of those with whom you can be mute,
Who understands your every word and notion,
The ones whom you support with deep devotion;
For whom you’ll take all pains, as if they were promotions,
And any execution too, to boot!
And every day still further winds this thread:
We easily meet, then part our ways unshaken.
It’s all because so many those with whom you’d go to bed;
It’s all because there are so few with whom you’d like to waken.
thanked 7 times
This is a poetic translation - deviations from the meaning of the original are present (extra words, extra or omitted information, substituted concepts).

© Schnurrbrat
Critique is always welcomed (proof-read or not, negative too).

Submitted by SchnurrbratSchnurrbrat on Tue, 04/05/2021 - 17:19
Last edited by SchnurrbratSchnurrbrat on Wed, 12/05/2021 - 17:25
Author's comments:

The original meter is a varied-length iamb. Rhyming patterns differ a lot too: ABBBA, AABBA, ABBBA, ABABA, and ABAB. "A" rhymes are formed by masculine endings, "B" rhymes by feminine. My translation is a varied-length iamb as well, I've tried to reproduce the original endings/patterns, but I didn't match them.

Eduard Asadov (1923–2004) was a Russian poet of Armenian origin. At the age of twenty he lost his vision after being badly wounded by a shell fragment during the Battle of Sevastopol (1944).

Как много тех, с кем можно лечь в постель (Kak mnogo tekh, s kem mozhno lech' v postel')

PinchusPinchus    Tue, 04/05/2021 - 21:03

42, мне кажется не хватает слова "можно" в первых двух строфах. you’d это ведь все же не you could?

PinchusPinchus    Tue, 04/05/2021 - 22:00

would - многозначный глагол. В смысле желания, предпочтения, предсказания или вероятности?

SchnurrbratSchnurrbrat    Tue, 04/05/2021 - 22:08

Ну здесь вообще по-другому фразу не построишь, я рад бы, да вот как-то так.

PinchusPinchus    Tue, 04/05/2021 - 23:46

А вот гугл складно переводит (прямо в размер):
How many people you can go to bed with

SchnurrbratSchnurrbrat    Wed, 05/05/2021 - 00:03

Ну как же это в размер? You, Go and With будут сильные. Поэтому (отчасти) этот "with" и пришлось засунуть в середину. Ну и если это гугльное предложение прочитать, то получается гипотетический вопрос-загадка. Я оригинал несколько раз перечитал, сначал думал легко будет перевести в размер, а оказалось совсем непросто.

PinchusPinchus    Wed, 05/05/2021 - 00:08

How MAny PEOple YOU can GO to BED with

SchnurrbratSchnurrbrat    Wed, 05/05/2021 - 01:23

imho, in such sentences/structures with a terminal preposition, the later is always stressed.

IremiaIremia    Tue, 04/05/2021 - 22:26

Nice translation, 42! I’d only try to maybe rework something here, because I am not sure I like devotion/promotion idea:

The one whom you support with all devotion;
For whom you’ll take all pains like a promotion, =>
The ones whom you support with deep devotion;
For whom you’ll gladly suffer, set aside all caution,
Take any execution, to the boot.

And something here doesn’t quite jive for me:

And turn around, and smile, and start your waiting,
While worrying all day long without an end =>
And turn around, and smile, and start your waiting
For any news from them, while worrying with no end.

SchnurrbratSchnurrbrat    Tue, 04/05/2021 - 22:37

Thanks, I like the original, but I'm not fond of my translation. It was surprisingly difficult for a simple iamb. There are quite many complex structures with very limited choices where I got stuck.
I will think it over in the next few days, so don't get upset if it will look like I'm ignoring your suggestions. For now, I will add "deep devotion", but "all caution" to me is also a poetic change, just like my version. I wasn't gunning for a third "-otion" rhyme there, just was trying to substitute "award" with something else.
PS. Plus, I forgot my lunch today, and my head is plain stupid now.

IremiaIremia    Wed, 05/05/2021 - 00:16

Take your time, 42! And don’t forget your lunch! 😊

SchnurrbratSchnurrbrat    Fri, 07/05/2021 - 18:47

Thank you, I used most of your suggestions, but one was left out. I don't like my version with "promotion", but not because of this word, but rather of the expressions I used: "take all pains" and "take an execution". Suffer would be better language-wise. что-то не думается. стал ленивый.

IremiaIremia    Fri, 07/05/2021 - 21:06

Дай себе немного отвлечься от этого перевода. Потом через несколько дней вернёшься со свежим взглядом. Promotion мне не очень нравится потому, что вдруг начинает появляться образ офисной обстановки среди душевного размышления о любви.

SchnurrbratSchnurrbrat    Fri, 07/05/2021 - 21:04

У нас ассоциативное мышление по-разному работает. Regular smile
Я ввел promotion вместо award, поскольку promotion близко к "награде" с точки зрения военной тематики. А потом уже добавил devotion и notion. То есть я никакого стилистического разрыва / диссонанса не вижу, хотя допускаю, что таковой может показаться стороннему наблюдателю. Regular smile

IremiaIremia    Fri, 07/05/2021 - 21:11

Promotion даже с точки зрения военной тематики у меня только с повышением по должности/рангу ассоциируется, но не с наградой или благодарностью. It would be “commendation”.

SchnurrbratSchnurrbrat    Fri, 07/05/2021 - 21:12

Поставлю citation, скажете с ГАИ, ГИББД и DUI.
Короче, нужно относиться с caution к этим всем promotions. Teeth smile

IremiaIremia    Sat, 08/05/2021 - 00:19

Yep 😊👍

PinchusPinchus    Sat, 08/05/2021 - 16:06

Правильно ГИБДД. Диана тут выкладывала песенку, где это звучит так акцентировано, уже не забудешь. [BlackSea4ever]?

LaymanLayman    Sat, 08/05/2021 - 08:05

Not sure about "simply live", shouldn't it be "merely"?

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