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Polychromie (Russian translation)

French
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Polychromie

Dans l’herbe, la lumière oblique
Éparpille ses blonds fuseaux ;
Les silhouettes des bouleaux
Ont des reflets métaphysiques.
 
Sur le chemin, près de l’étang,
Balance, mauve, une calèche ;
Dans les bois noirs, le pic épeiche
Frappe toujours le tronc pourtant.
 
Saisi, chaviré par le songe,
Je sanglote encore, malgré
Les ombres rouges qui s’allongent
Et le mirage évaporé.
 
Submitted by JadisJadis on Thu, 06/05/2021 - 12:42
Submitter's comments:

Poème bâti à partir des rimes d'un poème de Cécile Sauvage (1883-1927) qu'on pourra lire ici (sous XXII), mais avec lequel il n'a pas d'autre lien particulier.

Russian translationRussian (poetic)
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Многокрасочность

Расплывчатый свет разбросал
Русые блики на траву;
А силуэт берёз наяву
Абстрактным штрихом стал.
 
На дороге, около пруда,
Покачивается лиловая карета;
В чёрном лесу, всё ещё стуча,
Дятел долбит ствол для гнезда.
 
Схвачен сном, как в волновой толчее,
Я всхлипываю вновь, несмотря
На удлиняющиеся красноватые тени
И испаряющийся мираж.
 
Thanks!
thanked 6 times
This is a poetic translation - deviations from the meaning of the original are present (extra words, extra or omitted information, substituted concepts).

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The objective is to further human understanding so my feeble attempts are not copyrighted.

Submitted by BlackSea4everBlackSea4ever on Sat, 08/05/2021 - 14:41
Comments
JadisJadis    Sat, 08/05/2021 - 16:56

It's better I think, but to my taste some verses are still too long and verbose, for ex :
"На удлиняющиеся красноватые тени" > why not simply "на длинные красные тени", which would match the rhythm ?

BlackSea4everBlackSea4ever    Sat, 08/05/2021 - 17:02

What’s rhythm? Don’t answer ☺️

PinchusPinchus    Sat, 08/05/2021 - 17:10

Диана, а что такое "волновая толчея"?

BlackSea4everBlackSea4ever    Sat, 08/05/2021 - 17:18

Riptide. Rip tides, also know as rip currents or undertows, are long, narrow bands of water that flow quickly away from the sea. Swimming in one of these seemingly calm stretches of water, which usually form in between crashing waves, can pull swimmers away from the shore rapidly.

JadisJadis    Sun, 09/05/2021 - 07:29

And in the last verse, why not using "испарявшись мираж" or something like that (I vainly tried to find the right form meaning "evaporated" (past passive participle). No use to add "в полусне", especially since you already said "Схвачен сном" earlier.

BlackSea4everBlackSea4ever    Sun, 09/05/2021 - 12:33

испарявшись мираж — испаряющийся мираж? I really like it. I didn’t catch it until your answer to PZ. I’m gladly going to use it. Thanks.
I’d like to leave полусне - may I? Ty.

JadisJadis    Sun, 09/05/2021 - 13:32

Yes, probably испаряющийся - some form that even in my worse nightmares, I would not be able to think up. Regular smile

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