Я умру в крещенские морозы (Ya umru v kreshchenskie morozy) (English translation)

Proofreading requested

Я умру в крещенские морозы

Я умру в крещенские морозы.
Я умру когда трещат березы.
А весною ужас будет полный:
На погост речные хлынут волны!
 
Из моей затопленной могилы
Гроб всплывет, забытый и унылый,
Разобьется с треском и в потемки
Уплывут ужасные обломки.
 
Сам не знаю, что это такое...
Я не верю вечности покоя!
 
Submitted by Sophia_Sophia_ on Tue, 01/09/2015 - 13:07
Last edited by Sophia_Sophia_ on Mon, 29/11/2021 - 06:56
English translationEnglish (poetic, rhyming)
Align paragraphs

I will die at winter's frost attack

I will die at winter's frost attack.
I will die when bark of birches crack.
But in spring a disaster will start,
river waves will overwhelm the churchyard.
 
Then out of my fully sunken tomb
the coffin will surface, lost and gloomy.
It will break and at the end of the day
terrible debris will wash away.
 
I do not know what to make of this.
I do not trust in eternal peace.
 
Thanks!
thanked 6 times
This is a poetic translation - deviations from the meaning of the original are present (extra words, extra or omitted information, substituted concepts).
Submitted by PinchusPinchus on Sun, 28/11/2021 - 23:09
Last edited by PinchusPinchus on Tue, 30/11/2021 - 00:37
Author's comments:

Many thanks to BlackSea4ever and
Kevin Rainbow for proofreading!

The author of translation requested proofreading.
It means that he/she will be happy to receive corrections, suggestions etc about the translation.
If you are proficient in both languages of the language pair, you are welcome to leave your comments.
Comments
PinchusPinchus    Mon, 29/11/2021 - 00:01

Спасибо, Диана!
Ну, как шмогла...

BlackSea4everBlackSea4ever    Mon, 29/11/2021 - 02:43

I deleted my proofreading as it seems you aren’t keen to fix the rest. 😉

PinchusPinchus    Mon, 29/11/2021 - 03:07

Какая Вы нетерпеливая. Я сам пока не знаю, что и когда буду исправлять.

Kevin RainbowKevin Rainbow    Mon, 29/11/2021 - 23:44
Quote:

I will die at time when birches crack.

No need for "at time when". "When" is enough, just as "когда" in the original.

Quote:

А весною ужас будет полный:
На погост речные хлынут волны!

You used flood twice because inundation means flood too, but the original doesn't use a noun meaning flood. Maybe

But in spring a disaster will start,
River waves will overwhelm the churchyard.

Quote:

coffin will resurface

"Coffin" needs a determiner before it (a/the/my)

Quote:

lost and gloom

lost and gloomy

Quote:

in the end of day

at the end of the day

PinchusPinchus    Tue, 30/11/2021 - 00:24

Ох! Спасибо, Кевин, буду думать.

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