En Vind Av Sorg (English translation)

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Proofreading requested
English translation

A Wind of Grief

A wind of sorrow
settles heavily,
around the elders' house.
 
A breath of frost
on an already frozen soul
a lack of veneration
from these, these elders' minds
 
Remember the times gone by,
a sea of time
has passed since that time
Norse faith and customs.
 
To the forest home one came
and drew a breath in.
Here it smells of christian blood
Leeches on our hearts.
 
Please don't use my translations unless my permit. If you see a mistake about the translation, let me know.

Lütfen çevirilerimi izinsiz kullanmayın. Çeviride hata görürseniz söyleyebilirsiniz.
Submitted by bilgeakbasbilgeakbas on Tue, 25/12/2018 - 10:00
Added in reply to request by verum.dclxviverum.dclxvi
Last edited by bilgeakbasbilgeakbas on Sat, 05/01/2019 - 11:31
The author of translation requested proofreading.
It means that he/she will be happy to receive corrections, suggestions etc about the translation.
If you are proficient in both languages of the language pair, you are welcome to leave your comments.
Norwegian

En Vind Av Sorg

Comments
maliceimalicei    Fri, 04/01/2019 - 18:01

I think you need to work on your Norwegian a fair bit, there are some very basic grammatical mistakes like translating 'en vind' (a wind) - to 'the wind' (vinden) and the things that get a bit poetic can be a bit harder to decipher. It's a decent try for a beginner!
Okay, let's go through this.

En Vind Av Sorg - The wind of grief

A wind of grief.
I think 'a wind of sorrow' sounds better here, since grief pulls to mind grieving a loss and it's not neccessarily certain if that's the case here. But grief is fine here.

La seg tungt, omkring - Leave heavy, around

Here you write "leave heavy, around". This doesn't make grammatical sense in English - As an object it's 'leaves' (I/you/they leave, he/she/it leaves). Regardless, I think la seg is better translated as 'lays down (to rest)' here.

Et savn av Hyllest - A lack of homage

Homage can't really be used here in this manner, as it doesn't really refer to the respect/veneration of the elders aspect here. The closest way I would say this is 'a lack of veneration / honouring / tribute'.

Norrønes tro og skikk - Norwegians' faith and custom

Nørrene means 'Norse', not Norwegian (Norsk)

Til Skogen hjem en Kom - Came to the forest home
og trakk luften inn -  and pulled in the air
Her lukter det Kristen manns blod - Here it smells Christian's blood
Igler på Våre Hjerter - Owls on our hearts 

You forgot the "en Kom" bit (one came) in the first sentence. 'Pulled in the air' isn't really a thing people say in English, you'd use 'breathed in' or 'drew a breath in'. The sentence on blood is ungrammatical in English, you have to say something smells of/like x.
I'm guessing you were thinking ugler (owls) and not igler (leeches)! Owls on our hearts, haha. Regular smile
So here's my translation:
A wind of sorrow
settles heavily,
around the elders' house.
A breath of frost
on an already frozen soul
a lack of veneration
from these, these elders' minds
Remember the times gone by,
a sea of time
has passed since that time
Norse faith and customs.
To the forest home one came
and drew a breath in.
Here it smells of christian blood
Leeches on our hearts.

bilgeakbasbilgeakbas    Sat, 05/01/2019 - 11:41

Ohh, thanks so much for your great help! I knew the translation has a lot of mistakes but I couldn't make it correct because I'm a beginner as you see and I don't have a Norwegian teacher or someone like that. I'm working on it by myself. So maybe I have to take a break to translate songs from Norwegian Regular smile
I corrected the translation as you sent, thanks again.