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Jokes/Aνέκδοτα

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Super Member
<a href="/en/translator/blacksea4ever" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1390089">BlackSea4ever</a>
Joined: 19.07.2018

Do you recall the lecture explaining male mentality by practicing the following suggestions?
- darling, if you are cold, come closer, I will embrace you
- darling, if you are hot, just take off your clothes

Super Member
<a href="/en/translator/igeethecat" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1365086">Igeethecat</a>
Joined: 16.12.2017

Oh, well men, it is not about the leaf to cover your parts Wink smile

Super Member
<a href="/en/translator/igeethecat" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1365086">Igeethecat</a>
Joined: 16.12.2017

And if you would translate Gavin’s French, please

Super Member
<a href="/en/translator/blacksea4ever" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1390089">BlackSea4ever</a>
Joined: 19.07.2018

Oh, you can guess? Impertinently? Lol

Editor / Francophony
<a href="/en/translator/gavier" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1222803">Gavin</a>
Joined: 14.10.2014

Oh I'm just messing about. Culotte means knickers/panties, but culotté means cheeky. So I was calling The Bride 'Cheeky'. Wink smile

Editor / Francophony
<a href="/en/translator/gavier" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1222803">Gavin</a>
Joined: 14.10.2014

Naughty rather than bad Regular smile

Super Member
<a href="/en/translator/blacksea4ever" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1390089">BlackSea4ever</a>
Joined: 19.07.2018

Yes, sir!

Salt of life is that it is not sugar

Super Member
<a href="/en/translator/blacksea4ever" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1390089">BlackSea4ever</a>
Joined: 19.07.2018

Did you notice that only some people that cough go to the doctor. The rest seem to go to the theater.

Super Member
<a href="/en/translator/blacksea4ever" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1390089">BlackSea4ever</a>
Joined: 19.07.2018

It is necessary to live in such a way that it would be embarrassing to tell, but nice to remember

Super Member
<a href="/en/translator/blacksea4ever" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1390089">BlackSea4ever</a>
Joined: 19.07.2018

My husband thanks you!

Super Member
<a href="/en/translator/igeethecat" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1365086">Igeethecat</a>
Joined: 16.12.2017

Просто не могу удержаться

Учительница математики спрашивает Вовочку:
— Вовочка, представь себе: у тебя есть двести долларов. Пятьдесят ты отдашь Машеньке, пятьдесят — Леночке, и еще пятьдесят — Танечке. Что у тебя будет?
Вовочка, мечтательно глядя в потолок: — У меня будет такая оргия...

Насчёт оргии, конечно!

Keep To Yourself
<a href="/en/translator/makis17" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1208934">makis17</a>
Joined: 31.05.2014
The Bride ha scritto:

I say it for the last time: only in english!

www.newsbeast.gr/files/1/2013/02/01/helen1.jpg

Moderator — Í tokuni
<a href="/en/translator/xkumii" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1087920">Geheiligt</a>
Joined: 10.07.2011
The Bride schrieb:

That was clever. I will say the rule for the last time: only in english for now on, ok? It's the international language. Thanks, sweeties! Kiss
Regular smile

Funny when the topic has its first page totally in Greek.

Super Member
<a href="/en/translator/blacksea4ever" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1390089">BlackSea4ever</a>
Joined: 19.07.2018

Guys, stay out of trouble or queen Bride will banish us. Board was opened for Greek jokes until I tagged along.
I love it here so use jokes in any language and translate into English or Greek. So it was ordained...lol

Super Member
<a href="/en/translator/blacksea4ever" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1390089">BlackSea4ever</a>
Joined: 19.07.2018

And given you are French, please translate this song I added - Opium

Keep To Yourself
<a href="/en/translator/makis17" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1208934">makis17</a>
Joined: 31.05.2014

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill, as this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00, and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord. It said: Dear Lord, Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, DC and as usual, those jerks deducted $95.

Editor Soldier of Love
<a href="/en/translator/flopsi" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1331196">Flopsi</a>
Joined: 12.03.2017

Okay - let's see if this joke works in English:

Barack Obama, George W. Bush and Donald Trump have died and gone to heaven.
God asks Obama: „What do you believe in?“
Obama answers: „I believe in democracy, helping the poor and peace for everybody!“
God says: „Very well, sit to my left. So tell me, George – what do you believe in?“
Bush answers: „I believe in free trade, my people and a strong America!“
God says: „So come to my right. And Donald, what’s your belief?“
Trump answers: „I believe, that you’re sitting in my chair!“

Super Member
<a href="/en/translator/igeethecat" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1365086">Igeethecat</a>
Joined: 16.12.2017

Никто не задумывался, почему в русском языке х@ево — это очень плохо, а п@здато — очень хорошо, при том, что ох@енно — лучше чем п@здато, а хуже чем х@ево может быть только п%%%%ц?

Have anyone thought why in Russian @evo - is very bad, but #ato - is very good, giving that o@enno - is better than #ato, and worse than @evo can be only complete ##ets?

Super Member
<a href="/en/translator/igeethecat" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1365086">Igeethecat</a>
Joined: 16.12.2017

— Маша, а давай уже по взрослому?!
— Давай, Петя.
— Мария Петровна!!!
— Петр Сергеевич!!!

— Cindy, let’s do it like adults do!
— Ok, John, let’s do.
— Miss Cindy!!!
— Mister John!!!

Super Member
<a href="/en/translator/blacksea4ever" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1390089">BlackSea4ever</a>
Joined: 19.07.2018

It took me forever to reconstruct the words, but ох@енно

Super Member
<a href="/en/translator/igeethecat" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1365086">Igeethecat</a>
Joined: 16.12.2017

No sh#t Teeth smile

Super Member
<a href="/en/translator/radu-robert" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1343167">Radu Robert</a>
Joined: 26.06.2017

Ioane, i find you guilty of crime ! ...You killed the wife of yours when you catched her in the bed with ya neighbour ..
I though have a question for you : "Why her, and not the bastard of a neighbour !?
Well , your honor , i better kill only one woman , one time , than killin' a man every week

Two ex class coleagues talkin : "my husband died after 3 weeks after marryin me "
Well...at least he didn't had lonlgy time to suffer :)))

What difference is between my mother in law and my dog !>?
Well , my dog only barks at strangers

Super Member
<a href="/en/translator/radu-robert" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1343167">Radu Robert</a>
Joined: 26.06.2017
anna gül ha scritto:

Wife: Honey..... What are You Looking for ?
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : Nothing...?? U've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour ??
Husband : I was just looking for the expiry date

What a shitty day i had , My ex wife got runned by the buss
And where to say more , that my driving licence was taken , and also i got fired by the Drivin Company

Not sayin that my wife , would be some insatiable fatty , but at night She's using the fridge light as a night-light

When i see names of lovers , curved on trees , it doesn't seem though so romantic to me ...
I find it strange, that so many peeps are goin on the date with the knife on them

wanna hear an old Chinesse sayin!? "A dog that barks ///.....is a dog that isn't fried enough

Super Member
<a href="/en/translator/radu-robert" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1343167">Radu Robert</a>
Joined: 26.06.2017
anna gül ha scritto:

mdrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr *lol* *lol*

Radu Robert ha scritto:
anna gül ha scritto:

Wife: Honey..... What are You Looking for ?
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : Nothing...?? U've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour ??
Husband : I was just looking for the expiry date

What a shitty day i had , My ex wife got runned by the buss
And where to say more , that my driving licence was taken , and also i got fired by the Drivin Company

Not sayin that my wife , would be some insatiable fatty , but at night She's using the fridge light as a night-light

When i see names of lovers , curved on trees , it doesn't seem though so romantic to me ...
I find it strange, that so many peeps are goin on the date with the knife on them

wanna hear an old Chinesse sayin!? "A dog that barks ///.....is a dog that isn't fried enough

i just find this one now Regular smile
Police: Where do you live?
Me: I live with my parents.
Police: Where do your parents live?
Me: They live with me.
Police: Where do you all live?
Me: Together.
Police: Where is your house?
Me: It is next to my neighbours‘ house.
Police: Where is your neighbours‘ house?
Me: I‘ll tell you but you won‘t believe me.
Police: Tell me…
Me: It is next to my house…

Lmaooo

And where would your house be !?
It is next to my neighbour , neighbours
And where is your neighbour neighbours house ... :)))))))))

A priest , stops seeing a prostitute he says
"My dear girl, you're on the wrong "path"
How comes so !? ?Isn't this the centure of Bucharest!?

Today the priest from our church oficiated the midnight christmas mass ...
FRom such a long time i didn't felt anymore so good ..Prolly 'cause i didn't participated

After it marries them , the priest face the groom and says: God's with you , The lady's (goes) with me !

Super Member
<a href="/en/translator/jadis" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1387945">Jadis</a>
Joined: 01.07.2018

I can't guess why I should mailto ох@енно not what I should tell him (or her). I hardly know that person.

Super Member
<a href="/en/translator/igeethecat" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1365086">Igeethecat</a>
Joined: 16.12.2017

- Циля! Шо ж ви не спрашиваете, как я живу?
- Роза, как ви живете?
- Ой, Циля, и не спрашивайте!

- John, why haven’t you asked me how am I doing?
- How are you doing, Cindy?
- Oh, John, don’t even ask!

=========

— Ты лгала мне!
— Скажем так - я экономила правду.

— You were lying to me!
— Let’s put it this way - I was saving the truth.

Super Member
<a href="/en/translator/blacksea4ever" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1390089">BlackSea4ever</a>
Joined: 19.07.2018

It was ascertained that most vitamins can be found in... Pharmacy.

М,
Found this accidentally, took me a while to get jokes. E.g.: Есть и пить.
Once I got it, could not stop laughing.
To watch it, you need both Russian and Ukrainian https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=h-8_k0ppgSU

Editor Soldier of Love
<a href="/en/translator/flopsi" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1331196">Flopsi</a>
Joined: 12.03.2017

This joke is nothing for folks that get offended easily - just don't read if you're prude.

Two men got lost in the woods and it’s already dark. Finally they see a light and find a house. They knock on the door. An old lady opens. One of the men says: “We are lost, thirsty, hungry and tired.” The old lady starts grinning and says: “Well, well, the two of you can have something to eat and I have a stable, where you can sleep in the hay, but first of all one of you has to have sex with me.” The two start discussing and decide to draw lots. So, one of the men goes with the old lady into her bedroom while the other one is waiting outside. In the corner of the bedroom there is a dried flower arrangement with some corn cobs in it. He grabs one of those and pretends having sex with her. After she’s satisfied, he throws the corn cob out of the window. The old lady prepares them something to eat. He comes out with the food and says to his friend: “I’m good and look what I’ve got here!” His friend answers: “Yeah, you might be good, but I’m not that hungry anymore. While I was sitting beneath the window there came a corn on the knob flying out there – and there was even butter on it.”

Super Member
<a href="/en/translator/radu-robert" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1343167">Radu Robert</a>
Joined: 26.06.2017

My wife accidentally runned over a cat with the car ...
Poor little cat, she was sleeping on the couch m in the kitchen :))

My mother in law got upset , cause i was too quiet when i last seen her , ...AS if there would exist any naive fool , planning a strangulation , voiced out loud

Girls what you plan to do for Hallowen !? YOu'll remove ya make up!?

The experts says that the most beautiful smile in the world is the one of Mona Lisa ..
It is clear they didn't see mine , when my mother in law died

Alinuta , watch out the hat of your little sys not to fall ...
Alinuta:" Nahh , not a chance , i nailed it

Super Member
<a href="/en/translator/radu-robert" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1343167">Radu Robert</a>
Joined: 26.06.2017

What a Cop says to a condom !?
"Cover me , i'm going in! "

Q What it means for a kid , 2 cops and a dog ?
A 2 Fools and an inteligent being

What's the difference between a friend and an enemy !?
A A friend is hardly earned , while enemyes you create without will

What's the difference between an old man that had taken the Viagra and one that hasn't got it yet!?
The one that got it , he hopes to still live , and the one that will get it , Lives in hope :)))))

Super Member
<a href="/en/translator/jadis" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1387945">Jadis</a>
Joined: 01.07.2018

A poor beggar goes from farm to farm, asking for food. To incite the farmer wives to pity, he holds in his hand a piece of old bread spread with dried dung.
- Oh my poor fellow, that's all you got to eat?
- Alas, Madam, so do I...
(The farmer wife, opening the door of the barn):
- Now my good man, there you will find plenty of fresh one.

Editor
<a href="/en/translator/andrew-parfen" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1328416">Andrew Parfen</a>
Joined: 19.02.2017

Two dogs are pasing by a butcher's shop with a sign at the door "Dogs are not admitted".
Dog 1: Butcher's shop! Lets drop in!
Dog 2: Don't you see there is a sign "Dogs are not admitted"?
Dog 1: Common, how would they know that we can read?

I know, it was a silly one... Teeth smile

Editor Soldier of Love
<a href="/en/translator/flopsi" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1331196">Flopsi</a>
Joined: 12.03.2017

Do you know why Stevie Wonder loves bagles with poopy seeds on them?
He always likes those funny stories...

An elephant asks a camel: "Why do you have your tits on your back?"
"What stupid question is this for someone having his dick on his face!"

Being younger I hated going to weddings. Both of my grandmas and my aunts always poked me with their fingers, laughing and saying: "You're next! You're next!" They only stoped after I did the same to them at funerals.

Super Member
<a href="/en/translator/evipar" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1356668">Evi_Par</a>
Joined: 03.10.2017

Πάει τώρα ο Ζαν-Κλωντ Βαν-Νταμ, που έμεινε από λάστιχο σε ένα συνεργείο αυτοκινήτων που βρίσκει. Όμως είναι κλειστό, καθώς είναι μεσάνυχτα, οπότε αναγκάζεται να χτυπήσει την πόρτα. Χτυπάει λοιπόν την πόρτα, οπότε ακούει ένα τύπο να ρωτάει:
-Ποιος είναι;
-Ζαν-Κλωντ Βαν-Νταμ, απαντάει ο Ζαν-Κλωντ.
-Ησυχία μην κατέβω κάτω και σας πλακώσω και τους τέσσερις,του απαντά...

Super Member
<a href="/en/translator/evipar" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1356668">Evi_Par</a>
Joined: 03.10.2017

-Έναν ελληνικό σκέτο παρακαλώ.

-Τι εννοείτε σκέτο;

-Εννοώ χωρίς φλιτζάνι, ρίξτο κατευθείαν στο στόμα μου απ' το μπρίκι.

Super Member
<a href="/en/translator/radu-robert" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1343167">Radu Robert</a>
Joined: 26.06.2017

Q: Why at top of a blonde bed is written big an "A"!?
A: for her to not forget his sayin, when makin sex

What is big but also lil' , and what is solid but also soft!? the doughnut it'll be (know you think afar ' :))

You have little hearts , engraved with "For my one and only love " ?
Yes we have !
Nice , give me 15 of them!

Super Member
<a href="/en/translator/radu-robert" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1343167">Radu Robert</a>
Joined: 26.06.2017

What's the difference between a mother in law and a flea?

The flea is gettin on your nerves only in Summer time !

Santa Claus in visit to Alinuta:
-If you give me a lil kiss i give you one doll
Alinuta - But if i give ya a blo*job , ya give me all the sack?

Super Member
<a href="/en/translator/radu-robert" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1343167">Radu Robert</a>
Joined: 26.06.2017
The Bride ha scritto:

I write the number 3259908644226800874312, you dismiss it and you didn't even notice that l have write a letter among the numbers...

I didn't but you got back and checked. Tongue smile

I know i did :))

Super Member
<a href="/en/translator/jadis" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1387945">Jadis</a>
Joined: 01.07.2018

Can't remember the last time I put a lipstick into my mouth.

Editor Soldier of Love
<a href="/en/translator/flopsi" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1331196">Flopsi</a>
Joined: 12.03.2017

I rarely listen to the radio - but I really liked what I heard this morning:

"The Germans top role model is Barak Obama. I can relate to that - to retire after working 8 years..."

Super Member
<a href="/en/translator/blacksea4ever" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1390089">BlackSea4ever</a>
Joined: 19.07.2018

Joke is on us...
Like the typical American, the president of the United States is on salary. Unlike the typical American worker, who brings in about $44,564 a year, the president is paid $400,000 a year, plus an extra expense allowance of $50,000 a year, a $100,000 non-taxable travel account and $19,000 for entertainment.

And
Former presidents receive a pension equal to the pay that the head of an executive department (Executive Level I) would be paid, as of 2017, $207,800 per year. The pension begins immediately after a president's departure from office.

--- obviously, this post does not account for Trump stealing millions in other ways like security for him and his, traveling to Florida, charging government for security personnel using his golf carts... The scale of thievery is grand.
Russians had a great joke: if to steal - a million (old currency, lol), if to kiss (without permission) - then, a queen

Moderator and Incorrigable
<a href="/en/translator/ww-ww" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1294288">Ww Ww</a>
Joined: 03.06.2016

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yq7FKO5DlV0&start_radio=1&list=RDYq7FKO5...
Genesis - Land of Confusion (dated, but still humorous.)

Super Member
<a href="/en/translator/blacksea4ever" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1390089">BlackSea4ever</a>
Joined: 19.07.2018

Haha! It would be even funnier if we just didn't give a humaaangous tax give away to top 2% of scrounges, but it is entirely possible Georges didn't get any - it went to their bosses.

Editor Soldier of Love
<a href="/en/translator/flopsi" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1331196">Flopsi</a>
Joined: 12.03.2017

A man was asked how he managed to stay married for 50 years now. This is what he told:
“After our wedding we went for our honeymoon to Mexico. We were riding donkeys. But my wife had a stubborn donkey and it stopped in the middle of the road. She got off the donkey and said: “One” – “Two” – pulled out a gun, said “three” and shot it.
I said: “Don’t you think you’ve overreacted?”
She answered: “One”!
I said: “Come on, you’re kidding!”
She said: “Two”
After that I said no more."

Super Member
<a href="/en/translator/jadis" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1387945">Jadis</a>
Joined: 01.07.2018

One day, scientists around the world detect signals coming from the planet Mars. They consult each other and finally decide to use the Sahara as a gigantic sheet of paper: they trace, in letters hundreds of kilometers long, the following message:
- WHAT DO YOU SAY?
They wait for a few days, then an answer comes from Mars, in the form of understandable Morse signals:
- NOTHING.
Stupefaction among the scientific community. They then decide to draw a new message across the Sahara:
- WHY DO YOU SEND US SIGNALS THEN?
The answer comes on the next day:
- WE'RE NOT TALKING TO YOU. WE'RE TALKING WITH PEOPLE ON PLANET SATURN.

(summarized from Tristan Bernard).

Super Member
<a href="/en/translator/blacksea4ever" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1390089">BlackSea4ever</a>
Joined: 19.07.2018

I came across this comedian for the first time and I find him just great. It's in Russian. I am giving you a link and you can judge for yourself.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M5JwLI0zcz4
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WoNkyJ5dtN8

Sample for those who don't understand Russian:
Nowadays, entertainment, is a highly competitive field offering many options. In the Middle Ages, there were basically two options for the entertainment: traveling circus and executions in a public square. On a special occasion, it was execution of a traveling circus man in a public square.

Sample 2: government's Kama Sutra
It doesn't matter whether we are laying down, sitting,standing, or running - for some reason, we are always on the bottom.

Super Member
<a href="/en/translator/evipar" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1356668">Evi_Par</a>
Joined: 03.10.2017

Ο σύζυγος γυρίζει σπίτι αγριεμένος.

– Τι έχεις; Tον ρωτάει η σύζυγος.
– Άσε με! της λέει αυτός. Τσακώθηκα με το θυρωρό!
– Για ποιο λόγo;
– Λέει πως έχει πηδήξει όλες τις γυναίκες της πολυκατοικίας, εκτός από μία!

Και η σύζυγος:
-Μμμ. Θα είναι εκείνη η ψηλομύτα του τρίτου

Super Member
<a href="/en/translator/evipar" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1356668">Evi_Par</a>
Joined: 03.10.2017

ΝΟΣΟΚΟΜΑ: – Συγχαρητήρια κύριε, κάνατε δίδυμα!
ΚΥΡΙΟΣ: – Με τέτοιο ‘κανόνι’ που έχω, μόνο δίδυμα κάνω!!!
ΝΟΣΟΚΟΜΑ: – Καλά, αλλά να καθαρίζετε λίγο και το κανόνι, γιατί τα μωρά βγήκαν μαύρα!

χαχαχαχα!

Super Member
<a href="/en/translator/evipar" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1356668">Evi_Par</a>
Joined: 03.10.2017

– Μαμά, ο μπαμπάς θέλει να σκοτώσει τη νονά.
– Τι είναι αυτά που λες μικρέ;
– Κρυφάκουσα που της είπε : «Ραντεβού στις 10.00. Θα σε πεθάνω απόψε»…

Super Member
<a href="/en/translator/evipar" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1356668">Evi_Par</a>
Joined: 03.10.2017

αχαχαχαχαχα! καλο!

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