Le dizain de neige (English translation)
Le dizain de neige
Ten lines about snow
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Guest on 2016-07-04It means that he/she will be happy to receive corrections, suggestions etc about the translation.
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| 1. | Le dizain de neige |
| 2. | De sa grande amye |
| 3. | Tétin refait, plus blanc qu'un œuf... |
Sophia_
Gavin
Fri, 30/09/2016 - 10:01
Lovely work! :-)
To add my native nit-picking:
Not sure about the use of "Now" to translate "mais" here - I see where you're going but it's not very natural. I think I would say something like:
"But it was fire I felt/experienced"
Or one could go a little further and say - "It was fire, I still feel its burn". Maybe...although, " l’expérience en ai-je" I think this means he's familiar with how fire feels. So maybe better to say "I've felt it before" or "I know how that feels"
I'm not sure the last sentence fully captures all the meaning of the original. Seems to lose the meaning of "par" - in this case "by" or "through the action of". ie only she can quench his fire by feeling the same fire herself.
Perhaps:
Not with water, snow nor ice
But by feeling a fire akin to mine
Gavin
Fri, 30/09/2016 - 14:59
Hmmm....I don't love it.
It's tricky - Do you think my interpretation that what is needed is for her to feel the same fire? If so it doesn't seem to catch it.
You can't really use "neither" like that...You could try something like:
Anne, what but your grace
can extinguish a fire so keenly felt?
Not with water, snow, nor ice,
but by feeling the same flame.
It's always going to be a struggle to come close to the original feel though.
Conveying the delicacy of this poem is way beyond me.
Still I could not resist the temptation to try.