עדיאלProTranslator on 2018-06-26| 1. | The Most Beautiful Hebrew Songs II - 'השירים העבריים הכי יפים ב |
| 1. | הלב שלי (Halev Sheli) |
| 2. | סיבת הסיבות (Sibat Hasibot) |
| 3. | לשוב הביתה (Lashuv Habaita) |
Bracha Greene
Mon, 01/02/2021 - 20:23
I would translate the first line נפשי חמדה בצל ידיך as "My soul yearns for the shade of Your hands."
the line יערב נא שיחי עליך as "Let my speech be sweet to You."
and the line כי נפשי תערוג אליך as "Because my soul longs for You."
IsraelWu
Tue, 02/02/2021 - 23:09
Agree with you about a single detail, don't agree with you about others.
yearns is more מתגעגע,
חמדה is coveted (automatically, directly from the Bible, one of the commandments), shadow, you're right, shade would be better
(בד"כ לחיך) יערב - the best translation would be actually "tasty" but you can't translate it as tasty to English so I chose pleasant (like "to your palate" or "your eyes") as closer than sweet, perhaps I could use mellow. It seems to me sweet is too sweet and mellow too mellow, don't you?
Now, I don't use My and Your on purpose - the Hebrew isn't in a today's style, it better fits the period when English had mine, thy, thine as regularly used words
I believe longs and yearns are full synonyms, again, longs is an everyday word of current speech, yearns seems in my eyes more poetic and more, shall we say, delicate.
Now, it seems to me you said exactly what you would do and than did it and published your translation.
I have published under my name what seemed right to me. If you would have found errors or such I would correct them. The way it is I don't find no errors that demand a change, sorry.
Bracha Greene
Wed, 03/02/2021 - 01:42
First of all, your translation is totally accurate and very well done. Thank you for publishing it. My suggestions aren't about the accuracy of the translation at all, they are about capturing the meaning and feeling of the song.
The word חמדה can mean coveted, I just feel that in this context yearn or long for are more precise. It is related to the word חמוד, literally cute, or dear and precious.
Although the word יערב can mean tasty, it also means sweet, as in "והערב נא השם אלוקינו את דברי תורתך בפינו" - "Please, G-d, make the words of your Torah sweet in our mouths." However, pleasant is also a very valid translation and if you like it then by all means keep it:)
I think the main differences in our translations are that I tried to make mine more relatable and I focused on the meaning of the song, whereas you focused more on accuracy, and the poetic and almost archaic aspect of the song. Both translations are good, and I actually think they work together, each describing different aspects of the song. I only published a comment on your song to explain why I created a new translation, but if you like your translation than definitely leave it as it is.
Again, thank you so much for your amazing translation!
IsraelWu
Wed, 03/02/2021 - 15:31
So are my aims, to capture the meaning and feelings of the poet (and if possible - the form). Each one is a different "translating machine" with varying "inner programming" and experience. I still don't agree with you, I think I'll send you a PM within a couple of days. And not that I think your translation is bad, just different.
Bracha Greene
Wed, 03/02/2021 - 22:58
Ok I hear that:)
In spite of four lines only, it seems to me there is a place for one more translation.