Острым Лезвием Ножа (Ostrym Lezviyem Nozha) (English translation)

Proofreading requested

Острым Лезвием Ножа

Острым лезвием ножа мне попало в горло
Словно теплая вода заливает грудь
Вместо крика дикий хрип разорвет мне ноздри
И сорвавшись с мокрых губ упадет на лед
 
Это молодость моя истекает кровью
Брызги алого огня окропили снег
 
Острым лезвием ножа по глазам наотмашь
Ослепила темнота вспышкой сотни ярких солнц
По щекам и по рукам да по белой коже
Засверкали ручейки в ярких солнечных лучах
 
Это молодость моя истекает кровью
Брызги алого огня окропили снег
 
Submitted by Rossiyanin iz RossiiRossiyanin iz Rossii on Sat, 27/11/2021 - 13:04
English translationEnglish
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With the Sharp Blade of a Knife

The sharp blade of a knife cut my throat
Like my chest is flooded with warm water
A desperate wheeze escapes me instead of a scream
Having fallen from my wet lips onto the ice
 
This is my youth bleeding out
Splashes of crimson pepper the snow
 
The sharp blade of a knife is swung into my eyes
Blinded by darkness and the flash of a hundred bright suns
On my cheeks, on my hands, on my white skin
Streams sparkled in the bright sunlight
 
This is my youth bleeding out
Splashes of crimson pepper the snow
 
Thanks!
thanked 2 times
Submitted by somethingswellsomethingswell on Mon, 29/11/2021 - 19:49
Added in reply to request by murasakimurasaki
The author of translation requested proofreading.
It means that he/she will be happy to receive corrections, suggestions etc about the translation.
If you are proficient in both languages of the language pair, you are welcome to leave your comments.
Comments
somethingswellsomethingswell    Mon, 29/11/2021 - 19:50

There's some parts of this that I struggled to word in English in a way that wasn't just cumbersome and awkward, so I'm wondering if anyone has some better ideas.

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