Pepel (Пепел) (English translation)

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Proofreading requested
English translation

Ashes

I saw it in my dreams
How flowers die in flames
Petals turn to ashes
So easily
 
Ashes, ashes on the snow
Warm air will lift them
Up to the heaven
Burnt to the end easily
 
It was an accidental burn
I was knocked off my feet,
Ashes
Our friends would be desperate
To scatter our ashes
From a cliff over the ocean
Ashes
 
I saw it in my dream
Paper burns in a fire
Unprotected letters, will end up
In a crimson-yellow trembled hell
 
From now on they will be ashes, forever
The star comes too early
Into the burnt tatters of the skies
Why am I still here?
 
It was an accidental burn
I was knocked off my feet,
Ashes
Our friends would be desperate
To scatter our ashes
From a cliff over the ocean
Ashes
 
Every thing is in place - flowers and the grass
You’ve burned, I am stil alive
 
I’m learning to be sad, while smiling
Too many sad stories
One way or another
We will be incinerated
 
It was an accidental burn
I was knocked off my feet,
Ashes
Our friends would be desperate
To scatter our ashes
From a cliff over the ocean
Ashes
 
Submitted by IgeethecatIgeethecat on Fri, 04/05/2018 - 06:36
Last edited by IgeethecatIgeethecat on Sun, 06/05/2018 - 20:55
The author of translation requested proofreading.
It means that he/she will be happy to receive corrections, suggestions etc about the translation.
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Russian

Pepel (Пепел)

Comments
petit élèvepetit élève    Sun, 06/05/2018 - 18:08

I quite like Flëur but their lyrics are often too poetic for my Russian...

I dreamt it in my dreams -> "I saw in my dreams" would be quite enough I think. Or "it's in my dreams that I saw"..." if you want to insist on the dreaming.

Petals become ashes -> "turn to ashes" seems more usual to me

Тёплый воздух уносит вверх -> "warm air lifts them up" or somehting?

Только так долетают до рая,
До легчайшего пепла сгорая -> I rather understand that as "it's only when reduced to the lightest ashes that they'll make it to heaven", but that might be my Russian

Ты пепел, я пепел. -> lit. "you're ashes, I'm ashes" so maybe "ashes, the both of us" or something?

Умирает бумага в огне -> "paper dies in the fire" ?

Беззащитные -> "helpless" maybe?

trembled -> rather "trembling" but I think "shimmering" would be nicer to depict hot air around a flame.

Пепел - это для них навсегда,
Слишком рано выходит звезда
В обгоревшие клочья небес -> I don't even know how many sentences are there.
"Ashes are always for them. The star exits too soon. The keys of heaven [lie] in [burning up]" ???????

Ты сгорел -> "you've burned up" or something? I mean, the action is over now, right?

Разветвляясь и пересекаясь,
Все они ведут в крематорий -> "no matter if they cross or not, all paths lead to the crematorium" or something?

BratBrat    Sun, 06/05/2018 - 18:18
petit élève schrieb:

Пепел - это для них навсегда,
Слишком рано выходит звезда
В обгоревшие клочья небес -> I don't even know how many sentences are there.
"Ashes are always for them. The star exits too soon. The keys of heaven [lie] in [burning up]" ???????

There are 2 sentences:
1.Пепел - это для них навсегда,->From now on they will be ashes, forever
2.Слишком рано выходит звезда
В обгоревшие клочья небес -> The star comes too early/Into the burnt tatters of the skies (tattered clouds coloured by the setting sun are meant)

BTW, you got the rest OK. Regular smile

petit élèvepetit élève    Sun, 06/05/2018 - 18:24

Ok, "клочь" got me confused. I see the metaphor now.

это для них навсегда -> I must say the sentence still sounds a bit strange to me. "[being] ash is [what's left] for them forever" or something like that?

BratBrat    Sun, 06/05/2018 - 19:06

Yes, you restored the sense correctly.

IgeethecatIgeethecat    Sun, 06/05/2018 - 20:08

Thanks to both of you for your help
I’ve adopted most of your suggestions
If am still missing something, please let me know

petit élèvepetit élève    Sun, 06/05/2018 - 20:14

Strange, I don't see much change right now. Maybe an update delay or something?

IgeethecatIgeethecat    Sun, 06/05/2018 - 20:43

Anyway, is it ok? Understandable? Readable? Хорошо, что в английском нет падежей и родов... могли бы ещё быть попроще с временами глаголов... ну ладно , nobody is perfect:)

IgeethecatIgeethecat    Sun, 06/05/2018 - 19:31

It’s always клочья (plural) it’s like “осколками в бездну”, hard to translate

Would you say “I am an ash, you are an ash” in English?

petit élèvepetit élève    Sun, 06/05/2018 - 19:38

Well yes, I meant I just mixed up these tatters with keys Regular smile

I'd say "you're ashes, I'm ashes" to mimic the Russian.
Ash is a stuff, so "an ash" does not mean more than "a water" ("a kind of ash" or something like that).

IgeethecatIgeethecat    Sun, 06/05/2018 - 18:22

Tёплый воздух уносит вверх - you think warmth won’t work? It’s not really about the air, more like a feeling

petit élèvepetit élève    Sun, 06/05/2018 - 18:33

I see what you mean.
I don't think "warmth" would work well to describe hot air lifting the ashes up, that's why "warm air" seems better to me.
Maybe "warm air gently lifts them up / carries them upwards"?
"warm" is also associated with loving feelings, so that "gently" might be enough to convey the same idea. What do you think?

petit élèvepetit élève    Sun, 06/05/2018 - 20:51

Well, I still think a few lines sound a bit odd:

Warm air will lift them up up to the heaven -> "lift them up / to heaven" would sound way nicer, reusing "up" in two slightly different senses
Also it's a shame "Только так" does not carry through. Ending up in ashes is sad, but it's the only way to reach heavens. Or so I understand it.

Ты пепел, я пепел. -> "ashes" is a bit terse to render the Russian, isn't it?

From the cliff -> rather "from a cliff"

Разветвляясь и пересекаясь,
Все они ведут в крематорий. -> here too I think the Russian would deserve a bit more precision.
"together or not, we will end up dead", basically. Or did I miss the point?

IgeethecatIgeethecat    Sun, 06/05/2018 - 21:04

Ok, double up and article things - fixed
Ты пепел, я пепел - I just cannot comprehend it in English as ‘you are ashes l am ashes’
And the last one, you got the meaning, but where do you see a problem- в дорогах или в крематории?

petit élèvepetit élève    Sun, 06/05/2018 - 21:07

"You are ashes, I am ashes" is basically just like the Russian. I don't see why you would not want to use it.

Well "one way or another" is rather vague for "whether our paths cross or not [they will lead us to the crematorium]", don't you think?

IgeethecatIgeethecat    Sun, 06/05/2018 - 21:22

I don’t know, it’s just me... maybe I am listening to too much reggaeton

Btw, there are stories, not paths, I think this is why I used ‘one way or another’

petit élèvepetit élève    Sun, 06/05/2018 - 21:28

I'm no native speaker, so I might be wrong, but really I think that would be quite understandable and sound rather usual.

Agreed it's about stories, but I think "path" is pretty good for the final destination metaphor.

IgeethecatIgeethecat    Sun, 06/05/2018 - 21:35

Final destination - do you mean “road to crematorium”?

petit élèvepetit élève    Sun, 06/05/2018 - 21:44

Yes, that's a place you usually leave through the chimney, so there is little going back from there Regular smile

IgeethecatIgeethecat    Sun, 06/05/2018 - 21:54

I guess I better pretend to be a Santa Clause to find my way in:)

petit élèvepetit élève    Sun, 06/05/2018 - 21:56

Crematorium chimneys are rather narrow. Go easy on Christmas pudding your you might get stuck Regular smile

IgeethecatIgeethecat    Sun, 06/05/2018 - 22:00

Везде Вы бывали, всё Вы знаете;)

petit élèvepetit élève    Sun, 06/05/2018 - 22:06

I never tried to go down a crematorium chimney, but I buried a couple of people there. The chimneys are usually quite discreet indeed.

IgeethecatIgeethecat    Sun, 06/05/2018 - 22:13

I am sorry, I just could not hold myself. It’s an old Russian joke, not appropriate and not funny , not at all

petit élèvepetit élève    Sun, 06/05/2018 - 22:38

No problem there. Humor is one of the highest forms of sublimation, as good old Sigmund used to say.