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[CLOSED] [SOLVED] Alisa Kozhikina - 'You're with me' [need brainstorm for lyrical translation]

32 posts / 0 new
Senior Member
Se unió: 13.11.2017
Pending moderation

Hi guys!
We tried to translate the song lyrics from Russian to English. Unfortunately, after doing literal translation, it turned out that the translation is quite incomprehensible for English-speaking people. Meanwhile, the song in the original (Russian) language is quite simple.

"Ty so mnoy (Ты со мной)"
1 куплет:

Мокрый асфальт, серые будни,
Латте с собой будильником будто
Доброе утро, я напишу, а ты мне ответь.
Вновь растворюсь я в вечном потоке
Мы словно атомы каждый день в пробках,
Вечер я жду, чтобы к тебе лететь.

Припев:

Чувства наизнанку без купюр
Чтобы не было пробелов
Будь со мной и я не отступлю
Частью став твоей вселенной.
Чувства наизнанку без купюр
В битве оголённых нервов
Ты со мной
Станешь ты моей вселенной.

2 куплет:

Твои глаза, в их отраженьи
Быть я хочу твоим продолженьем,
Без одолжений, просто тобой гореть.
Вновь растворюсь я в вечном потоке
Мы словно атомы каждый день в пробках,
Вечер я жду, чтобы к тебе лететь.

Бридж:

Я тебя никому не отдам
В ритме дней и пульсации ночи
И пускай все завидуют нам
Ведь любовь у нас без многоточий.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The literal translation came out pretty much like this:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"You're with Me"

1 verse:

Wet asphalt, gray everyday life,
Latte with me like an alarm clock
Good morning, I'll write, and you answer me.
I dissolve again in the eternal stream
We are like atoms every day in traffic jams,
I'm waiting for evening to fly to you.

Chorus:

Feelings inside out frankly
That there were no gaps
Be with me and I will not back down
I'll become a part of your universe.
Feelings inside out frankly
In the battle of naked nerves
You are with me
You will become my universe.

2 verse:

Your eyes, in their reflection
I want to be your continuation,
Without favors, just burn with you.
I dissolve again in the eternal stream
We are like atoms every day in traffic jams,
I'm waiting for evening to fly to you.

Bridge:

I will never give you away
In the rhythm of days and the pulsation of the night
And let everyone envy us
After all we have love without any doubts.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

In general, the song is about a girl's disire of perfect, pure love to some man. There is no erotic background, it is simply romantic.
There isn't any information about what is going in reality and what not. Possibly it's all in her mind, there might be no reality.

"Мокрый асфальт, серые будни" / "Wet asphalt, gray everyday life,"
From the beginning it creates an image of gray, non-standout days. Ordinary, no surprise at all.

"Латте с собой будильником будто" / "Latte with me like an alarm clock"
Here we talk about coffee, which is bought in a cafe and is not drunk on the spot, but taken away. A coffee that works like an alarm clock.

"Доброе утро, я напишу, а ты мне ответь." / "Good morning, I'll write, and you answer me."
She writes him a message 'Good morning' and wants him to answer.

"Вновь растворюсь я в вечном потоке" / "I dissolve again in the eternal stream"
"Мы словно атомы каждый день в пробках," / "We are like atoms every day in traffic jams,"
This means that she, again, becomes like everyone else and lives just normal life. Everything together creates a bigger order, but there is no uniqueness here. She, as others is just an ordinary part of the world.

"Вечер я жду, чтобы к тебе лететь." / " I'm waiting for evening to fly to you."
This looks like she's really strongly waiting for the evening, which seems to be the occasion to meet him. She wants it so strongly that she will fly to him, not just go. It's not about touch or any other kind of physical closeness. Just about presence nearby. Fly, to be there, near him, as quick as possible and this probably may be a metaphor, that it's about the thoughts and feelings, not particularly physical proximity.

"Чувства наизнанку без купюр" / "Feelings inside out frankly"
"Без купюр" means "without limits", frankly, without hiding anything.

"Чтобы не было пробелов" / "That there were no gaps"
She doesn't want any holes, gaps and understatements in their love.

"Будь со мной и я не отступлю" / "Be with me and I will not back down"
She wants him to be with her. It seems she is so sure about her feelings, that she even promises she won't let him down or go away.

"Частью став твоей вселенной." / " I'll become a part of your universe."
When she'll become a part of his universe. This is a sign she thinks of it what would come when she'll become a part of his universe (of his life).

"Чувства наизнанку без купюр" / "Feelings inside out frankly"
Once again, it's told about clear feelings, frankly, without hiding anything. This means it's really most important. This verse refers to the next line...

"В битве оголённых нервов..." / "In the battle of naked nerves"
In the lines it is said about the maximum openness in communication and relationships, that it can even sometimes bring certain suffering when you feel as much as if with bare (naked) nerves.

"Ты со мной" / " You're with me "
It doesn't mean they are together now, it may be just the girl's imagination that they are together, or what would happen when they would be together (what they will make together)

"Станешь ты моей вселенной." / "You will become my universe."
She really wants him to become a part of her life. This certainty does not necessarily mean that it will happen. All this can still happen only in her imagination.

"Твои глаза, в их отраженьи, Быть я хочу твоим продолженьем" / "Your eyes, in their reflection, I want to be your continuation,"
"Без одолжений, просто тобой гореть." / "Without favors, just burn with you."
These lines describe strong feelings and the desire to be most close to the one who she loves, to be one with him, to be his continuation. "just burn with you" is also not a physical concept, it rather means "being overwhelmed by strong feelings" in relation to something / someone. There is even such an expression - "to burn at work", which means to totally devote to work, forgetting about everything else.

"Вновь растворюсь я в вечном потоке" / "I dissolve again in the eternal stream"
"Мы словно атомы каждый день в пробках," / "We are like atoms every day in traffic jams,"
In the second verse it is repeated again. As if her feelings for a moment had to disappear, she had to return to reality, to everyday life.

"Вечер я жду, чтобы к тебе лететь." / " I'm waiting for evening to fly to you."
Here again we have a repetition. Again, a desire to return to her beloved in thoughts.

"Я тебя никому не отдам" / "I will never give you away"
She says here that she won't give him to anyone else. She wants him only for her.

"В ритме дней и пульсации ночи" / "In the rhythm of days and the pulsation of the night"
Seems that this refers to the previous line. All together it sound like she wants to be with him in every next day and night. To spend with him every next moment in their lives.

"И пускай все завидуют нам" / "And let everyone envy us"
It does not bother her that some people will envy her so perfect and pure love, she will even be proud of that.

"Ведь любовь у нас без многоточий." / "After all we have love without any doubts."
This refers to the previous line. She explains that they will have a love without "..." (three dots), so it means without understatements, doubts.

So, that's how I understand the phrases in this song. I will be grateful for the help in finding the right, synonymous and intelligible phrases in English. I would like to create a meaningful translation, understandable for English-speaking people. If you've got some ideas or comments - feel free to commit them.

Moderator of void
Se unió: 27.06.2016

Here is my variant:

Zitat:

Wet asphalt, dull workdays,
the latte-takeaway to wake up,
good morning, I’ll write, you are to answer me.
I’ll dissolve again in the eternal current,
we are like atoms in everyday traffic jams,
I await the night to rush to your side.

Feelings are inside out, in the raw;
to have no empty spots
be with me, and I won’t back down
becoming a part of your universe.
Feelings are inside out, in the raw;
in the battle of the bared nerves
you are with me,
you’ll become my universe.

Your eyes, in their reflection
I want to be your continuation,
with no doubt just to be burning with you.
I’ll dissolve again in the eternal current,
we are like atoms in everyday traffic jams,
I await the night to rush to your side.

I won’t ever give up on you
in the day’s rhythm and the night’s pulsation,
and let everybody envy us
for your love is without controversies.

It's not always literal but maybe it will give you food for thought.

Senior Member
Se unió: 18.07.2015

Hi Blazej Adamowicz

Your post is interesting to me because I try to learn the Russian language and you give long explanations for every line. I don't know who said your translation is not good enough. Nonetheless, I agree, it is not clear to me. Here are some lines I would not have understood without your comments.

"Wet asphalt"
In English, asphalt is merely a "bituminous substance" (Webster's dictionary), whereas, in Russian, it is a synonym for a road. So you could say "wet road", "wet path", "wet ground of the city", etc.

"gray everyday life"
"gray" before "everyday" looks strange. You could write "everyday life is gray".
In English, "gray" is a color which is first associated with neutrality, and then with a feeling of sadness. Therefore it would be a good idea to translate with something else like "dark", "dismal", "dull", "gloomy", or even "blue".

"Latte with me like an alarm clock"
In English, the thing before "with" should be bigger or more important than the thing after "with", e.g. a house with 10 rooms, a coat with a pocket, my wife with her mother, etc. Besides, "with" is used much more often in Russian than in other languages. My translation: "Waking up with a takeway latte".

"I'll write, and you answer me"
I thought the lover actually answered. But you explain that he might answer, but this is not a fact now. Besides, you answer a question. Maybe she won't ask any questions in her letter. My translation: "I'll write and expect your reply."

"I'm waiting for evening"
It is "for the evening". And maybe it is rather "for the night", because in English, the word "night" is more frequent than the word "evening".

I like the new version from Ivan U7n.

Senior Member
Se unió: 16.12.2017

"без купюр" means 'uncut', 'uncensored', 'unedited' (about a movie or a book). It also can mean 'raw', 'as is', 'pure', etc.
It's from French "la coupure"

"тобой гореть" -- it's English "(to be) on fire (with you)" ('on fire' = to be passionate about something)

Editor
Se unió: 18.10.2015

Drenched tarmac road, drab routine weekdays
A latte to go for an alarm clock
Good morning, I'll text and you'll answer
I'll lose myself again in this eternal stream
We're like atoms in everyday jams
It's the evening I'm waiting for to fly to you

Editor
Se unió: 18.10.2015

Feelings outspoken without allowances
Not to miss anything
Be with me and I won't back out
I'll make myself part of your universe
Feelings outspoken by default
In the battle of exposed nerves
You're with me
You'll make part of my universe.

Senior Member
Se unió: 16.12.2017

I was thinking about ‘a latte to go’ too, but then I thought, maybe it is too American because the others used ‘takeaway’ (I guess I understand what it means, but it sounds weird on this side of the pond)

Member
Se unió: 19.07.2018

For your critique,
Мокрый асфальт, серые будни,
Wet asphalt, grey workday


Латте с собой будильником будто
Latte awakens me as alarm clock may.


Доброе утро, я напишу, а ты мне ответь.
Good morning, I write, still awaiting response.


Вновь растворюсь я в вечном потоке
Again dissolved in the endless deluge.


Мы словно атомы каждый день в пробках,
We are like atoms caged in traffic every day,


Вечер я жду, чтобы к тебе лететь.
Awaiting evening to fly your way.

Припев:
Чувства наизнанку без купюр
Feelings inside out are endless waves


Чтобы не было пробелов
So there would be no breaks


Будь со мной и я не отступлю
Be with me and I will not step back


Частью став твоей вселенной.
Melted, a particle of your universe


Чувства наизнанку без купюр
Feelings inside out are endless waves


В битве оголённых нервов
In battle of raw nerves there are no breaks


Ты со мной
You are with me


Станешь ты моей вселенной.
You will become my universe.

2 куплет:
Твои глаза, в их отраженьи
Your eyes, in their reflection


Быть я хочу твоим продолженьем,
I wish to be your continuation.


Без одолжений, просто тобой гореть.
Without payback, I burn for you.


Вновь растворюсь я в вечном потоке
Again I dissolve in the endless deluge

Мы словно атомы каждый день в пробках
We are like atoms caged in traffic every day,


Вечер я жду, чтобы к тебе лететь.
Awaiting evening to fly your way.

Бридж:
Я тебя никому не отдам
I will not give you up to anyone


В ритме дней и пульсации ночи
In the rhythm of days and pulsing nights


И пускай все завидуют нам
Let everyone envy us


Ведь любовь у нас без многоточий.
For ours is the unconditional love.

Super Member
Se unió: 23.01.2018

A marvellous translation.

Ironic Iron ֍ The Black Sun
Se unió: 20.11.2016

As I see it the problem is in the quality of the original lyrics. Any translation which is true to the original will suffer from the same problems as the original (as you correctly observed). If you want a better quality translation that makes sense and tells a cohesive story, you will have to prettify it, add proper transitions, invent your own explanations of obscure wordings, and adapt the text to the context and realities of the target language and its environment. That said, the result will unlikely resemble the (poor quality) original, hence you might be better off writing your own lyrics in the target language and call it "an artistic adaptation." I generally avoid translating poor quality originals since I strive to preserve the meaning of the original as well as its poetic form. Much of modern pop music unfortunately suffers from the lack of one or another or both. If there is no coherent meaning to a piece and it lacks poetic form, I find it futile to translate such "art," but others might disagree. Just my opinion.
Regards, St.

Super Member
Se unió: 23.01.2018

Maybe the translation is even better than the original lyrics, but in my opinion, it doesn't have to be an identical translation. It is the right of the translator to do their translations.

Senior Member
Se unió: 13.11.2017

Take into account that the song is about the teen's feelings. It is also targeted at nowadays' teenagers.

Member
Se unió: 19.07.2018

Your point is well taken. However, there are intangibles in life. Someone asked for a translation so something touched them. I never heard the song and my initial reaction was very similar to yours, but it presented a challenge to interprete it regardless. I thought of how much I like Tom Waits' Sea of Love when I technically dislike his voice, dislike repetative lyrics, and bristle at the rhyme of met-pet. Lol. Love the song regardless.

Senior Member
Se unió: 13.11.2017

@BlackSea4ever: Nice job! I like your translation. Is English your native language?

Member
Se unió: 19.07.2018

Thanks. Russian is my native language. I am rediscovering Ukrainian.

Senior Member
Se unió: 13.11.2017

Could you please add your translation to the site? It seems noone has anything more to add Wink smile
https://lyricstranslate.com/en/request/ty-so-mnoy-%D1%82%D1%8B-%D1%81%D0...

Member
Se unió: 19.07.2018

Hello, there!
I made several translations after this one and either they are totally pathetic or no one is interested. Could I talk you into looking at them and let me know what you think?
Can you look up using my name or do I need to detail them? Thanks in advance.

Senior Member
Se unió: 13.11.2017

Sure! They look nice, but only natives in language can vote for them. All the rest can just "thank" and/or "comment". It often happens that the interest in some translations of the songs are slim. Don't worry.

Member
Se unió: 19.07.2018

That was quick! Many thanks.

Ironic Iron ֍ The Black Sun
Se unió: 20.11.2016

If it makes you feel any better, it took me 1.5 years and 600 translations just to get to 1:1 thanks-to-translations ratio, whereas some members routinely get 5:1, 10:1 or even 15+:1 ratios from day one, and I didn't notice that most of their translations were exceptional in any way (more often than not they were mediocre at best). Some translators with a lot of feedback are really good, but unless you are a member of a certain in-group (of friends or mutual "thank-you" team) here, your translations won't get much attention. Also there is the law of diminishing returns in action here: with many more members translating stuff on LT, the chance of a translation getting noticed gets ever smaller, while old translations obviously get a longer exposure. All that also assumes that there is no cheating going on (i.e., that there is no self-thanking your own work when you are logged off and thank as a guest). To conclude, you can't expect to be appreciated here based on your work merit and you can't rely on ratings and thanks to judge the translation quality. Regards, St.

Moderator
Se unió: 06.11.2013

Have you considered the possibility that we may have less members actively helping each other in your languages? Maybe Russian & English Translators should read and critique each other's work respectfully more often. Obviously, someone who is not fluent in both languages wouldn't be very helpful, nor would their votes matter.

Ironic Iron ֍ The Black Sun
Se unió: 20.11.2016

Oh, I have considered every possibility and, being a trained scientist with several advanced degrees, I even did a quick statistical analysis to compare the output of a few members (in EN-RU realm) and the feedback and acknowledgement they were getting over a certain time period. Based on the results, I stand by my conclusions.

Moderator sapiens sapiens
Se unió: 05.04.2012

Was the topic answered? If we begin straying too far from the main subject of discussion, this thread will be closed for commenting.

Member
Se unió: 19.07.2018
Ironic Iron ֍ The Black Sun
Se unió: 20.11.2016

.

Member
Se unió: 19.07.2018
Moderator
Se unió: 16.01.2013

@St. Sol: Could you please stop arguing and spamming this forum. Błażej asked for help and if you cannot or don't want to help him, please keep silent.

Moderator
Se unió: 16.01.2013

@Igeethecat: There's no need to close this topic, but perhaps some comments should be unpublished. In any case they won't be tolerated any longer.

Senior Member
Se unió: 16.12.2017

@Aldefina, I wasn’t actually complaining about anything, but now, after @BlackSea4ever removed her comments, it’s kinda sorta looks like I am the one to be blamed for... whatever...
Well, I agree with St., but the science (statistics, to be exact) doesn’t do the job here.
I was recently accused for my ratio of comments to translations being toо high
Yes, I prefer to post a comment(s) to help people to understand the meaning of lyrics, and I would not post a translation unless I understand the meaning, as the others do

Editor
Se unió: 18.10.2015

Dear Deanna, you've asked for a feedback on your translation. Here's one from me. It's pretty good indeed, there are certain finds I like. There are certain things that look questionable but again it's a matter of personal interpretation.
1. For English speakers, asphalt is just material for making a road surface. For Russian natives it's a synonym for "road" So "wet road (surface)" will do
2. Latte awakens me - sounds like she makes herself latte at home. As in fact she's rushing already and buys a latte to go on the way to work or wherever.
3. I write - refers to emails. I guess she means messaging rather, so it's "I'll text, please answer me" (Imperative form)
4. серые будни - either "routine" or "gray weekdays"
5. Deluge - it's more about flooding, here it's "an endless stream" because it's about traffic
6. I'll get dissolved
7. We are like atoms caged in traffic every day, - Oh, I really like this image!
8. Feelings inside out are endless waves - It's too wide a stretch. No waves there. May be Feelings inside out as they are?
9. If you fly someone's way, you fly with them, not to them.
10. Without payback, I burn for you/ For ours is an unconditional love = Oh, I love the way you put it!

All in all, I like your translation. A nice one. Regular smile

Moderator
Se unió: 16.01.2013

@St. Sol: Your comment has been unpublished. I warned already that comments off topic will be unpublished.

Moderator
Se unió: 16.01.2013

I decided to close this topic. In fact it's already solved.

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