E lucevan le stelle (traducción al Español)

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Revisión solicitada
traducción al Español

Y lucían las estrellas

Y lucián las estrellas,
y olía la tierra
chirriaba la puerta del jardín
y un paso rozaba la arena.
Entraba ella, fragrante,
me caía en los brazos.
 
O dulces besos, o lánguidas caricias,
mientras yo, tembloroso, de la bella figura quitaba los velos!
Desapareció para siempre mi sueño de amor.
Fugaz fue la hora, y me muero desesperado!
Y nunca he amado tanto la vida!
 
From Tosca, music by Giacomo Puccini
 
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Publicado por michealt el Sáb, 21/05/2016 - 13:07
Editado por última vez por michealt el Lun, 30/05/2016 - 07:38
El autor de esta traducción ha solicitado una revisión.
Esto significa que le alegrará recibir correcciones, sugerencias, etc. sobre la traducción.
Si te manejas bien en ambos idiomas, te invitamos a que dejes tus comentarios.
Italiano

E lucevan le stelle

Comentarios
inedito    Lun, 23/05/2016 - 23:50

Hola Tom:

Te dejo algunas sugerencias que mejoran la traducción:

Y LUCÍAN LAS ESTRELLAS

Y lucían las estrellas,
y olía la tierra
chirriaba la puerta del huerto
y un paso rozaba la arena.
Entraba ella, fragante,
me caía en los brazos.

¡Oh dulces besos, oh lánguidas caricias
mientras yo, tembloroso, la bella figura liberaba de velos!
Se esfumó para siempre mi sueño de amor.
¡El instante ha volado y muero desesperado!
¡Y nunca he amado tanto la vida!

michealt    Mié, 25/05/2016 - 11:01

Thanks for the comment, inedito.

On word order, I used to be told not to invert verb and subject in spanish because I did it too often, so now I tend not to do it when would be right to do it (as here) so I will repair that.

The perfect instead of imperfect was just me being thick - forgetting that -ea is just -eva with the v lenited down to nonexistence (it was originally a b before being lenited down to v anyway). So I will fix that too. Clearly I've let my Italian get too rusty, and forgotten things I used to know.

Some of your word choices I agree with, they are obviously right (tembloroso, lánguidas). Some seem very wrong to me - huerto usually means frutteto rather than orto, lucir means apparire or sembrare, not lucire. Others seem not to matter (like esfumarse versus desaparecer) or to be a bit dubius although not obviously wrong (instante instead of hora, volar instead of irse - but that made me think harder about fugire and huir seems to fit better than either my original choice or your suggestion).

So as a reult of your suggestions my translation has changed quite a lot, but has not ended up adopting all your suggestions.